Triggers

[Notjustme]

Hi,
I haven’t been on here for ages, I thought I was doing okay. Then something happened today, I disagreed with a decision at work and got shouted down by my boss. I don’t want to go into the work ethics or whatever of this. It took me right back to feeling powerless and completely out of control. I wasn’t angry, I was humiliated and instantly anxious and panicky like I wanted to run out of the building. I have been crying nearly all day which is making me feel even more pathetic and useless than I already do. Crying at work has just left me feeling ashamed. It’s taken me all day to work out that the reason I’ve reacted this way stems from years of childhood abuse and abusive relationships. I’ve realised today that I am often triggered badly by the way people speak to me and certain tones of voice or even certain words they use. I will dwell on these things for days. I’m sick of it, I can’t go on like this, I’m driving myself crazy.
How do I make this stop? How do I begin to have normal relationships with people? I haven’t got a single friend in the world because I cant relate to people or handle most social situations because there might be a raised voice or a bit a “banter”

[KIP.]

I think you should talk to your GP about some therapy. It’s been invaluable to me in building me back up. Understanding and dealing with triggers. Also, have a look for local charities that offer therapy. I’ve engaged with a fantastic one at the moment and it’s free. Your boss sounds horrible. There are proper ways of dealing with staff without shouting down. Sounds like they may have issues or need training. I know how you feel about dwelling on things for days, it’s exhausting. Therapy can help with this too x

[lover of no contact]

Hey there it’s not you, I’m away years, have been on this Forum years and have been attending 3 Al Anon meetings for years and I can totally relate to your post about being triggered when someone shouts at me; or has the “off” tone; or look of hostility or does the present silent treatment. It takes me days to get over this if there’s shouting and a day or too with the negative tone/look etc. I get cross with myself that I should be more recovered and I shouldn’t feel like this and do I have a sign on my forehead saying “feel free to shout at me, be rude/hostile if you’re having a bad day.” My only crime I can see now is that I’m an empath. People (who feel better after they’ve discharged their negativity into me) choose me because I’m an empath , I’m highly sensitive to people, places and things and therefore that’s why I’m a target. But hey that’s nothing to be ashamed of I see now , that’s something of which to be proud and if the world had alot more empaths it would be a far nicer place. At my workplace I too have had the dressing- down/lecture by my boss and it took me days to recover but with time I see she is an abuser and this is the way she operates. I took a step back from her and any other staff who has shouted at me and kept conversation very minimal. I disengaged after subtly without it being too obvious to make the point to me that their behavior is unacceptable to me and I try and keep conversations to work related topics only. They lost their chance to have any more of my chat when they chose to shout at me. That’s the tack I take when someone shouts, is rude. I let them know by my actions that it’s unacceptable to be to be spoken to like that. I don’t care if that would be labeled passive aggressive. Passive aggressive works for me then. I find me taking a step back stops a pattern developing of them being nasty/ nice with me etc. I feel better when I try the minimal contact thing with the shouters/rudies at work. Then I try and focus (now this is hard to do I admit) on all the people in my workplace and life who have never shouted at me or been rude/short with me or had a horrible tone of voice when conversing with me. And I find it’s good for me to focus and give thanks for them. I also heard somewhere that if someone’s mean to you to go and do something kind for someone else and it will help you feel better. I liked that.

Also like you I’ve had years of abusive relationships, all through childhood, my twenties etc, etc. I’m out of my abusive partner intimate relationship, I’m slowly letting go of my ‘abusive so called friends’ but I need to have an income to survive financially so I still have to deal with abusers at my work.

Hope my experience helps. Keep posting and thanks for posting as I struggle with the triggers too although I do think I’m improving and trying to go easy on myself and not beat myself up when I end up being on the receiving end of a shouter.

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