Triggers

[Lazarus17]

I’m struggling with triggers! My ex made sure I knew about it if he did any maintenance or repairs in the house – and I had no say in what he did, or didn’t do. So mostly it wasn’t what I wanted, or how I wanted it, and I couldn’t say anything for fear of the repercussions 😔

I’ve just had a company do some work. Great, I thought- except they’ve left a couple of things not right. And when they asked if I’m happy, I just said “yes thanks”, literally shaking. I can’t even phone them now and tell them…..

Any advice please?

[Bananaboat]

Could you send them an email? Challenging work is always hard so don’t beat yourself up, I’m definitely one of those that says yes that’s fine when it isn’t. I find phone calls hard although when I do them they are rarely as bad as I think – that’s our anxiety making us think we can’t do it. Which is why I wondered if you could put it in writing instead? Or if you do call, know you can put the phone down at anytime and try again. Or could someone phone on your behalf?

[Lazarus17]

Thanks Bananaboat. I think it’s the thought that I’m not sure if I can hold it together if they come out again. Kinda embarrassing to be a lady of a certain age blubbering and not being able to communicate!😖 Also them not understanding why I said it was ok when it’s not (without me explaining, which I can’t/don’t want to, to some random builder who couldn’t care less).

I’ve become quite adept at DIY for this very reason….so I guess there’s a plus side. So I’m tempted to finish off the job myself. But when you’ve paid someone to do the job (saved up (detail removed by Moderator) years!)…🤷‍♀️ And I can’t even explain how much research went into finding the “right” tradesperson!

I can get someone to phone them for me, but then I’m admitting I can’t do this adulting lark on my own (fgs, I’m a grown, mature woman!!) I know I should just phone But…..yep, the anxiety kicks in. I just don’t want the blokes coming back here….

I think the issue is that I’m worried they’ll dismiss my concerns cos I don’t know enough about the trade – which I don’t. But then that in itself is a trigger. Vicious circle much?

And I know I’m over thinking it all 😖

[KIP.]

Yes a txt email or WhatsApp. Just say you’ve had time now to have a good look around and have some things to highlight. Then bullet point them. Keep it simple x you can do it x

[Anonymous]

From my experience with builders / tradesman which is in itself has been a trauma , take pictures of all the things you are not happy with , make reference to what needs correcting , give them a time limit to respond to you and complete the work to your satisfaction, email all of this over and if no response in 5 days , then a follow on email . You need to create a chain , paper trail . Good luck x

[Lazarus17]

Thanks Kip and the Duchess for your replies – really appreciated 😊

I’ll give it a few days, see how I feel. I worry that I’m over thinking the problems too, you see….🤦‍♀️

Just so awful to have these triggers. And to hear the ex’s voice still in my head telling me how I “f**ked up” or that I’m “pathetic”. Years of conditioning will do that I guess. I should’ve left sooner 😔

I wonder if the voice will ever be silent….🤷‍♀️

[Lazarus17]

Quick update. I e-mailed the company. They sent a couple of guys out to rectify the problems. Which caused more problems. Emailed again and the “most experienced” guy came out to sort out the issues. And stood there asking “(detail removed by Moderator)”. And my head heard my ex screaming at me “(detail removed by Moderator)”

I did point out a couple of issues, and was told “that’s normal, it’s within tolerances”. I left it, saying it looks like I’ll have to live with it then.

I’m no good at this. It’s still not right, and I can’t cope with going back to them. I’ve contacted another company for advice/opinion/quote. It’s ridiculous that I can seem so strong and then crumble at a few innocent words 😪 I’m so angry with myself for not being stronger. And angry with the ex for being a total ******* (any insult you care to insert). Especially since one of the problems was caused by one of his “bodges”🤬

*sigh* I’m not getting anything else done around the house, unless I can do it myself. I’m off to study you tube videos on roofing/bricklaying/plumbing etc…😊

[tiredofitall]

Honestly I’ve has so many poor jobs done by trades people that it makes it hard to trust people. Seems to be a certain type of bloke who can leave a job not done well and they don’t care. Don’t blame yourself. I’m afraid that are just some not very nice people out there. But at least you were brave enough to try so give yourself a pat on the back for that 🙌

[iliketea]

Just to say totally with you on this. Had the same experience, did finally get the courage up to complain, was shaking, heart racing, the guy lost the plot, got really nasty, then went awol, took my money and ran basically. BIG lesson, but had all the same thoughts and reactions as you have had. Totally totally normal. I haven’t had anyone back since. Got a drill and a load of other tools and you know what, DIY aint that hard, NOT AT ALL with YouTube!! All the b****y fuss these men make about doing it, my exes favourite insult was “You’re s**t at DIY, I HAVE to do everything around the house because you’re so hopeless” hahaha, you know what, ALL the s**t jobs he did, and all the ones he just never did, and left for years and years, Ive done them all, and much much better. Men and DIY, biggest joke ever.

[Lazarus17]

Thanks tiredofitall and iliketea.
I was quite proud of myself for just doing the email tbf 😊 didn’t stop the shakes when they came out though 😔

And yes, iliketea, they do make a fuss about doing something – my ex would turn the smallest tasks into a 6 month drama worthy of an Eastenders plot line but I’ve been dabbling a bit (I also bought a new drill – getting hooked on buying tools instead of shoes! Oh alright then, aswell as 😁) But your experience sounds worse, had my guys been nasty, I think I’d have turned into a snotty mess!

Reassuring to know it’s not just me – completely throws me when I hear a trigger 😖 Although on the plus side, I have found an honest, reliable plumber (but he does refer to women as “birds” 😖) Guess you gotta take the rough with the smooth 🤷‍♀️

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