Triggers

[hopenothate]

So haven’t been on here for ages, not sure if anyone remembers me. I’ve been free for, soon to be (detail removed by moderator) depending on when I time it from.
Recently my very good friend has got into a relationship. Since becoming free I have been single and I am aware I see abuse, control, n********m everywhere. Having said that ice never been proved wrong. Anyway, in the very beginning if my friends relationship I saw red flags.
To me he is being coercive and my friend is going through textbook reactions to this abuse as he is behaving in a textbook way to ensure he gets his own way.
It’s triggered me as it’s me she’s confiding in and I’m feeling drained because the things he’s doing are triggers for me as far as my ex.
She’s gone from strong momentum and feeling this relationship wont go anywhere to him using coercion and now she is not saying she will break up with him and questioning me as to why I say men can’t change.
In Lundy Bancrofts book he states men can only change if they’re willing to put the work in to do so and be an active part in their change. But as we know abusers don’t feel they have a problem so if they can’t even admit that then they aren’t willing to change. It’s so frustrating.

[Lisa]

Hello hopenothate,

It is good to hear from you! I hope you are well.

It can be very difficult to see friends in abusive relationships. As a trigger for you of the abuse you experienced but also as you said it can be frustrating. If you feel able to then continue to support your friend or pass information of support available to her so she can make the decision to reach out for support for herself when she is ready. This can take the pressure off you as it is really important to look after yourself.

Keep posting to us when you can. The forum will always be here for you if you need to offload to other Survivors.

Best wishes,

Lisa

[Author]

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