TRIGGERS

[Confused123]

Its weird i was watching clip on face book last night where lady was making insenstitive comments to her b f and then she dumps him casue he wasnt good enough for her and couldnt afford her expenses,it goes on to say u should never use someone just for there money, which i agree, was quite suprised that my youngest came out with then ladies wonder why they get hit when they say deep insenstiive comments like that, was shocked by his comments and will be having words with him later but what got me thinking was when my ex used to beat me up i used to out of anger say he wasnt a man for beating me up and was a faiure , which yes did lead to me getting punched down more, bu then i was thinking oh god so did i deserve those beatings, did i hurt him deep with my words, i know in the end he was wrong cause i could be asleep and he’d just start beating me up, i could just laugh or be happy and that would be enough for him to start, but what triggred me was message at end was u never know when time changes and things change for people. Was just left questionign mysef what if he changes and is really happy ever after with some one and rich with new partner, i had to walk away in end with nothing to save my life , i think even if he changed we could never live together cause he clearly cant live with me as he felt he neede to hurt me so much, so why ami questioning myself,i know i tried everything but then why do we just have this fake hope

[Ayanna]

You need to push away these thoughts of being responsible for his behaviour. It was his choice to beat you. If he makes such choices he his an unworthy person and not suitable to be with you, full stop.
He will never be happy. These abusive men are deeply unhappy creatures. They cannot cope with happy women who want to build lives with them together. But their psychological issues and childhood issues and whatsoever are not our responsibility. xxxxx

[Falling Skys]

Hi Confused123

If you had the most evil tongue in the world no one deserves or ask for a beating.

Mine would antagonize me till I would say not nice things and that gave him the excuse to verbally and physically abuse me. Then it was all my fault not his, and because I answered back I felt it was an argument not abuse for along time. Triggers, I would figure what was upsetting him so I wouldn’t do I any more and then it would be something else.

There was nothing you could have done to make him non abusive.

Stay strong

FS xx

[Serenity]

Hi Confused,

Your son may have been saying that to see your reàction and to get your take on it, rather than really believe it, although we have to work hard to undo the influences from the past.

You could bring it up calmly at some point, in as relaxed a way as possible, and ask him what he thinks might be wrong with his comment, why it might not be the right comment. Try to get him to work out and abuse things for himself, to reflect upon the negative impact of abuse.

Getting them to reflect upon abuse and the posdible damage it does helps them to take ownership of their behaviour, and to not just mimic their male parent in an auto pilot manner.

Watching a tv programme or something where abuse occurs is a brilliant opportunity to get them to reflect.

Don’t get too upset. My sons have said things that I sense they don’t really believe : they just want to hear my view on it, as if a call to help put them on the right path.

They do this especially when someone has been trying to influence them negatively, and it is niggling at them.

You have the strength to teach them the right way x

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