Trudging along

[marmaladechamp]

It’s been (detail removed by moderator) since I left my ex. I’d like go say that life has been good and easy going but in reality it’s been very difficult. Although I have had some truly positive moments, moments where I have almost jumped into the air with how relieved/happy/content/peaceful I’ve felt.

I’ve found it’s the little things that set me off like coming across our engagement cards, or seeing something that made me think oh I would’ve messaged him about that. These moments are so unexpected but they bring that pain back.

I also have had quite a few dreams about it in various situations. I dreamt that I was trapped and couldn’t get away, I kept running through doors but they would never end and he was catching up with me. I dreamt he was hurting me. I dreamt that I went back to my old house and got to see my dog again and give her a cuddle but he came back and snatched her away. I dreamt that I met some mutual friends and they didn’t believe me.

I hate that he dominates every waking second. Something has to remind me of him. The wave of emotions keep coming in. I know I’m doing everything right to recover but it honestly takes my breath away how difficult it is.

One part of me wants to shout what he did to me from the rooftops and the other wants to crawl into a cave somewhere and never come out again.

On a more positive note I enjoyed a few days with my family and noticed how much happier I was that o didn’t have to field of constant messages and calls from him stating how bored he was and how selfish I am for daring to spend time with other people whilst he was on his own. What a selfish tw*t.

[lover of no contact]

Hi Marmalade,

Thanks for posting about the struggle of how difficult it is to exorcize abusers from our lives and our thoughts. I had the same struggle; they infiltrate everything (strategic on their part) so it’s extremely difficult to reduce their hold(control) on our lives. It just takes time; but writing it out in here will reduce the recovery time. Today is a significant anniversary to do with my ex and there’s not one sad feeling left in me ..just relief and admiration for myself at getting out of this abusive relationship which went on for more than one decade; daily damaging me and a lot of children. Imagine if I had ended it at your stage of just prior to the wedding. I would have avoided so much daily emotional suffering being married to a sick personality. I just had no idea that in this day so many years ago that he had ulterior motives (or that he had a compulsion to hurt others or else he wouldn’t feel good about himself). I just wasn’t where you are today in awareness of reality. I won’t say I was blissfully unaware. I was hurt/embarrassed/humiliated and felt used on this what should have been a very special day but these feelings I didn’t give any recognition to. I suppose I wasn’t in touch with myself and how I felt.

You have done so well to get out of your abusive relationship at this stage of being about to be legally binded to him.

My friend was further on than me in awareness and had doubts about marrying her abuser bf. Her dad even wrote her a letter begging her not to marry him. The wedding was too far organized and it meant cancelling and people having to change plans so despite her doubts due to the red flags he was showing; she went ahead. She has had 2 and a half decades of being put down etc, etc on a daily basis and her children have been reared in that daily dysfunction, as had mine.

You have said No to being treated badly for a life-time and now allowed the space for a man who will cherish, love and protect you;for better for worse; in good times and in bad, to come into your life.

You deserve only the best.. well done to you for such courage in such a difficult situation.

[Author]

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