Trying not to let my past affect my present/future

[Sunflowersandstars]

Thanks for all the advice so far, I am concerned I am reacting in the wrong way in my new relationship- I’ve been honest with him and he has been very understanding but I think with my barrier coming down it’s raising intense emotions and I’m worried I am displaying abusive behaviour- we had a discussion and I feel I need to be intimate more often than he does as if we are not I start to feel insecure and worry. It’s like I get reassurance from sex- i didn’t feel like this in my abusive relationship. But I love being that close to my partner and crave the feelings of love I get from it. Also a couple of times I have over reacted with minor things and had sort of an anxiety/panic attack and felt unstable like the slightest thing could shatter me. We are working through it together and have agreed I need to say what I think/feel rather than letting my thoughts run away from me but now I’m panicking and worrying incase I become abusive. Can anyone relate? I like to think I’m a kind person but like everyone in this situation I have moments of doubt and worry it’s me and now my concern is I spent that many years in an abusive relationship that I won’t be able to maintain a healthy one.
SaS

[Shipoffools]

Bless u Sunflowersandstars,

I can empathise with what you’re describing. I had some private counselling alone. It helped me talk things through. Good luck….

[Sunflowersandstars]

Thanks shipoffools, I’m due to start counselling soon just waiting on them giving me my first appointment, I’m really struggling to come to terms with how much it’s affecting me now and overthinking everything so hopefully getting it all out will help me relax.
SaS

[Shipoffools]

I over think things too especially relationships…wonder if it’s a legacy fm abuse? We’ve been conditioned to over analyse for our safety? Counselling helped me, maybe CBT would help you unlearn the learnt behaviours tht we use to life through an abusive relationship? Good luck….

[puzzledatlife]

Bless i understand and I feel the same. Feeling incapable of forming a serene attachment. With kids and friends I am totally ok. Feel safe secure and I have secure attachment there. I think if I am capable of that with my kids and my friends it must mean I have the resources to do that in a relationship. Have you got some relationships that feel not threatening in yoir life that you could focus on to remind yourself of your skills?
I am also doing therapy and getting to grips with my abusive upbringing.
We want a different life and I think we will be able to go through. If we had the strength to ensure a painful terrible relationship I think we must somewhere have the strength to have a normal one too. Good luck, I really admire you for sharing where you come from with your new partner. I hope to be able to do the same when if I ever meet someone else. Xx

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