Trying so hard not to change my mind

[Lovethesea]

My ex boyfriend is still living in our home. He is moving out as soon as he as enough for the deposit which won’t be long. He keeps saying he wants to stay and try to make it work. I say no every time. I don’t want to be with him anymore because he’s verbally abusive and it’s become physical too and we don’t really have the same lifestyle we are not right for each other. I don’t know why when I’ve made my mind up i definitely don’t want to be with him that it’s so hard to stick with that and not just say I love you and I want you to stay. I have moments like this all the time and I have to stop myself saying it to him. (detail removed by Moderator) we had sex when I’d done so well for ages to not do that and give him the wrong idea but I needed him close I wanted the comfort and to feel that good again. I said it doesn’t mean we are back together and he says he knows don’t worry I am moving out soon. But now I have my (detail removed by Moderator) wedding (detail removed by Moderator) and he has said he’s coming when he wasn’t before. I don’t want him there and us to pretend we are together but I feel like I’m the bad guy if I say he can’t come. Also him being here he helps with rent and bills which id struggle with at the moment. I’ll be ok for money soon but at the moment I do need his help. It’s just not simple to break up even when you actually really want to. If this was his house and I’d moved in I would have left months ago when the verbal abuse started. There are so many good things about him and our relationship, he provides and he’s generous and we work well as a team doing the house and running one of our business’s together. We help and support each other. He keeps the house really clean. It’s like he’s two different people, he’s loved by everyone who meets him because he’s polite and has something about him and good looks I suppose but he can be so different and when he’s like that I hate him so much. It’s like all his empathy disappears and he’s so hateful. I don’t know if it’s true it he will say he doesn’t remember it even if it’s minutes before. It’s really like he is taken over and then he comes back.

[not-victim]

I’ve been given this advice and it’s helping me so far, so I’m passing it on.

Write everything down. Keep a journal of the highs and the lows and detail how you feel in that moment. This will help you process your feelings when you’re reflecting like this and see on paper how often you’re on that emotional rollercoaster.

Also, if you haven’t done so already, it’s worth learning about trauma bonds. We can become addicted to the behaviour that follows abuse and that’s what we crave. And because that abuse makes us feel so low, we want comfort from the person we love – the very person who’s caused us to feel that way in the first place.

You sound so similar to me in terms of the way you feel – the main difference is you’ve told your partner to leave and he (says) he is. I’ve not got there yet. Stay strong and true to your feelings and continue to post on here as I imagine that is also helping a lot.

Take care x

[Bananaboat]

Unfortunately they know the buttons to press to get what they want and will keep trying different tactics to find one that works. A top tip I got from here was to watch his actions not his words, I got gushing I love you’s, I’m sorry, I’ll change etc but I realised they were just words which made me cave in & his actions stayed the same – keeping notes helped me see this. It’s also quite likely that he’s not saving a deposit to leave, but is saying that to string you along while he works out how to make you keep him. Try giving him a deadline and see how he reacts. Right now you’re living in limbo, can’t heal and susceptible to giving him one more chance and he knows it x

[Camel]

Has he moved into your place? If he’s not on the lease you can get him removed. Saying he’s saving for a deposit is a delaying tactic, for sure. He can put it on a credit card and pay it off in his own time, not yours. Whatever, give him a deadline (a couple of weeks tops). Don’t negotiate.

Stop taking his money for household bills. Tell him to put it towards his own expenses. Work out how you’re going to manage without his contribution – and how much you can save when you’re not catering for him.

Don’t engage in discussions about anything except him leaving. Don’t feel bad about sleeping with him. We’ve all done similar. You’ve been frank and told him it changes nothing. And it doesn’t. (But don’t do it again if you want to keep your sanity.)

If he’s your plus-one for the wedding, tell him he’s no longer invited. He shouldn’t need this explaining. He’s simply using every tactic available. He’ll stick around for as long as you try to be fair and reasonable. But he isn’t playing fair so you shouldn’t.

[Lovethesea]

At the weekend he got really drunk and he was so angry when he came home. I just tried my best to keep him calm and not make it worse he was just saying things which were pretty bad about me and that he was leaving in a week, he was so noisy which made me worried we’d get a complaint. (detail removed by moderator) who would hit you I’d never do that I love you and I want to protect you and he hugged me, I let him because I didn’t want the angry person to come back. Then something annoyed him and that turned him again. This went on most of the night keeping me awake. In the morning he says he doesn’t remember any of it. When I tell him all of it he says he is sorry and feels ashamed. (detail removed by moderator) He said he wasn’t drinking anymore. He said he was ashamed and sorry for what he did and that he had to stop drinking. So far he has done this. Since speaking to his mum he has stopped saying he’s moving out and is now being a really nice boyfriend. He is going to buy us things we need and pay all the bills because he knows it’s a struggle and it keeps me trapped.

[Author]

Posts