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I couldnt sleep last night at all. I went to work today but I felt as though I was just going through the motions. Im so scared to be alone. Its so weird because all I have done tonight is keep crying because I really miss him. I feel like there is no light at the end of the tunnel right now. He has not tried to contact me at all. The Police are due to come to see me to take a statement about what happened last night regarding he coming round and the broken key in the lock and then they will go round to talk to him. I thought I would be glad of this but all I feel is pain, never ending. Its so strange because I keep remembering all the nice things he did and I seem to be trying to block out the really horrible way he treated me most of the time. I think I need to write everything down that has happened and when Im feeling weak read it to help regain my strength. I am a complete mess at the moment but its still early days.
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Hi cloudyday,
I missed my ex initially too, and he didn’t hoover at all which left me second guessing that it was all just me! I remembered the good times, the romance and the attention. I thought things had got only recent to split but the more I read and learned and as I went through counselling, the scales fell from my eyes and the F.O.G (fear obligation & guilt) cleared; I could see the pattern was there from very early on!
I wrote it all down – I started with a list. At first I thought to myself ‘oh this just sounds like a whiney housewife’ (interesting choice of phrase I think!) – but as the list grew (and grew!) the pattern of entitlement, isolation and manipulation and gaslighting became clearer! Blocking out and/or minimising their abuse is a coping mechanism. Facing up to remembering them is hard but needs to be done to heal. It’s a bit like lancing a boil. Hurts like crazy but feels better after and can heal properly.
The early days are hard – we were trained to ignore our gut instincts, trauma bonded and gaslit by these abusers. I highly recommend reading Why does he do that by Lundy Bancroft. And talking to WA.
You’ve done so well to get away and stay away from him so far! Stay strong but be gentle with yourself also.
Hugs.
Iwillbeok x
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The police came round I now have it on record about the key incident. Nothing will be done at this point as he will only deny ever having been at my property but that’s ok as long as I have it on record. He has not attempted to make any contact at all. Part of me is wondering why he hasnt made contact to hoover me back. I feel like he never loved me at all. He has literally done nothing. Although it has made it easier but its like he never cared. I still feel so upset with it all. My mother called me weak the other evening because I was really upset. She said well why don’t you just go back to him. She really doesn’t get it at all. He was such a big power in my life literally influencing every little thing I did or thought I had and now that’s just gone. I should be feeling relief but all I feel at the moment is an empty void. Has anyone else felt like this when they finally plucked up the courage to get out. I feel like absolute hell. I wrote down all the abusive stuff he has done to me over the years last night and it gave me strength to read it and think oh god this stuff is awful. How could I have allowed all this to happen to me. I’m glad I wrote it all down as it has helped me to remember and to realise how toxic the relationship was. I am angry with myself that I’m missing him but I cant stop it
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Hi cloudyday
Sending you hugs. You’re not missing Him, you are missing the illusion he built of your perfect husband.
Mine asked what my perfect partner would be early on. It was nothing like him! He cleverly made subtle changes empathising all his good points etc. Playing down his faults and pointing out all my faults etc. They are experts at promoting themselves and creating images of being so wonderful. It’s not real. They are also expert liars and believe they really are wonderful. They’re not, they are actually selfish, cruel egotists who don’t care about anything or anybody except how they can exploit them for their own benefit. It’s a harsh reality to accept and yes it does leave you feeling empty, unloved and whether they ever really loved us.
I honestly don’t think my husband is capable of loving someone, I don’t even think he loves himself half the time. He just doesn’t seem human sometimes, like some kind of robot or alien, void of normal feelings and emotions.
My heart goes out to you, it’s a horrible experience to have to go through. Keep reading and posting, it helps to put the pieces of the puzzle into place and understanding what’s been going on. Try phoning the helplines, those ladies have been so supportive and helpful. Are you in touch with your local Women’s aid group? They’ve been very supportive and helpful too. Counselling was really helpful with helping me understand and come to terms with his behaviour and my own.
It takes time, but as you distance yourself from their toxic influence and things become clearer, it’s easier to deal with. You still get bad days when you long for the dream and wonder if only…. But my dream of being loved and feeling safe and secure with someone I love, can never come true with my husband. I’m in the process of divorcing him, but he’s stalling, fighting, playing dirty tricks and lying through his teeth. I’ll get there eventually and my freedom will be all the sweeter for having had to fight so hard.
Good luck with your journey and keep reminding yourself that none of us deserve to be treated with cruelty, be afraid and feel unloved. We all deserve to be happy, healthy and feel safe and free to make our own choices. Hugs and best wishes. You can do this 😊 -
So he has tried to make contact in the early hours of this morning and also again this morning by doing 141 before my number as he is blocked but I didnt answer. My anxiety is now at an all time high again. His voicemails have said he loves me and then Im cheating on him and got someone else thats why I wouldnt let him in the house the other evening and also why I havent called him. Im sure he will turn up here again. How can I distance myself and heal when he wont allow it.
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Please speak to a domestic abuse police officer and get in touch with women’s aid. What he is doing is stalking and there are new laws that will deal with this. It only requires two separate incidents. Don’t give up with the police. It is their job to protect you. Keep your voice mails and never respond. Keep any messages where you have told him not to contact you. Their behaviour is unpredictable and escalates at this point and can be dangerous. Surround yourself with supportive people who understand. Negative comments can bring us right down and create doubt. I had to keep pushing back at every opportunity using police courts solicitors etc.
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Thanks for your help freedom fighter. Yes he tries to portray himself as a lovely guy its not him its everyone else treating him badly. They are experts at lies and manipulation and making us the bad ones. It is missing the ideal that we would all love to have and feeling lonely. I have been receiving counselling which I have felt so beneficial. I need the time to reflect back on what the relationship was actually like. As you can read from my previous post he has tried to make contact. I will get in touch with Womens aid group to get the support I need. Love and strength to you too x
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