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Now that I’m out, I can’t help but mull over different aspects of the relationship. One thing that struck me recently was his constant habit of criticising my likes and dislikes, and my interests. For example, I’m interested in politics and he wouldn’t allow me to watch the news or pay attention to snything that was happening in the world of politics. I found the rise of Corbyn quite interesting and agreed with some of his policies. My partner acted like he was jealous , as if i “fancied” Corbyn or something! If I expressed admiration for anyone, not in a romantic way, he would get angry and create a nonsensical argument.
He hated that I considered myself a feminist and would demand I stop it, as a feminist once mocked him on line for being a rape victim. It turned out that she’d called him “butt hurt” and he’d deliberately misinterpreted that as mocking his rape to prove that she was a horrible person, and therefore all feminists were horrible. He would demand that I say I wasn’t a feminist because if I didn’t I was joining a group that had been horrible to him.
He often took extreme exception to things I said, usually throwaway comments like “I don’t think the word “party” should be used as a verb, it’s really a noun.” It was a sort of joke, but he went crazy, saying it was proof I was “stuck up” and that he could never introduce me to any of his friends because of it. He gave me his books to read and would get angry if I wasn’t glued to them. He loved music, whereas I enjoy films and reading more, and he would go on and on that he “wasn’t allowed” to listen to music any more because I “hated” it. he was home alone all day while I was at work so I have no idea why he couldn’t listen to music if he wanted to. He went mad when I said at my age my tastes are pretty much sorted, shouting that he couldn’t “influence” me at all if that was the case. This was something he returned to again and again throughout our relationship, it really seemed to annoy him.
I felt that everything I watched or read or thought had to meet with his approval. I had to carefully check every film or program we watched in case it had anything in that would upset him. If it did, I would be shouted at for doing it “on purpose.” Maybe this was to make me too nervous to choose films or tv shows to watch? Another way of controlling me? Was he trying to change me, or to rob me of my confidence ? I really felt like he was erroding the person I was. Had anybody else experienced anything similar? I know it doesn’t sound terrible, but it made me more and more nervous and I found myself hiding that I had read the news for example. Funny how you end up having even small freedoms taken away from you. -
Oh that sounds familiar. My ex told me that he couldn’t listen to music because I didn’t have the same tastes as him. Yet the only person who stopped someone listening to music was him. On the very rare occasions that I put music on he would immediately turn something else on louder and tell me I was ruining his life and didn’t respect his culture if I asked him politely if he could turn it off.
He hated me calling myself a feminist and told me that women weren’t discriminated against. Only he was discriminated against because he was a member of an ethnic minority, and I had no idea what discrimination was. I mean sure, I am white, but I am also female and disabled. Pretty sure I have also experienced discrimination.
We only ever watched film and TV that was to his liking. And I had to watch TV with him, even though I would far rather read.
We weren’t allowed to go out walking “because I was too ill” this was entirely my fault and made him angry. But after I left I have done hundreds and hundreds of walks without issue and they make me happy.
I really felt like I was rediscovering myself after I left. I can’t believe I let him dictate so much of my life for so long.
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