- This topic has 6 replies, 4 voices, and was last updated 7 years, 9 months ago by
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Why does my daughter not understand that most of my abusers just used me for there needs only.. its like chatting to a brick wall at times .. surely she should be standing by me.. yes i know iam not perfect. Yes its my dault attracting these monsters.. ive learned a big big lesson. Never to get hurt again
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Hi primo I’m sort of in the same position. My daughter is begging me not to leave her dad, even though she knows he controls us both & puts everything before us she still wants us to stay together. I think it’s because, they like us, have been conditioned & sucked into the victim mentality these abusers portray. She is saying thing like where did it all go wrong, what did we do. The blame is squarely on me & her not him. It’s so unfair. We don’t purposely seek out these men, they find us & manipulate us. I’m going to work on myself when I end it with him. I do not ever want to be in this kind of relationship again.
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This last relationship was the worst hun. Iam same going to get my life bk on track again ive been rock bottom all my life .. i will grt there yet again!!! Ive always been there for others and not myself . Time to let prople sort there own lifes out now . I cant do it no more ..
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Hi Primbo and Moogie,
Neither of you nor any woman who has experienced domestic abuse are at fault or to blame for having a relationship with someone who is abusive. Abusers are never evidently abusive at the beginning of the relationship, it builds up over time and then becomes extremely difficult to get out of. The only person responsible for the abuse is the abuser.
Sadly in reality many children tend to focus blame on their mothers, often due to their abusive father’s manipulation or conditioning. Of course it is very difficult for a child or young person to come to terms with the fact that their father is an abusive man. It will require time and the right specialist support.
I thought I’d highlight the following resources which may be helpful when talking to your daughters about domestic abuse and all it’s complexities:
https://www.womensaid.org.uk/the-survivors-handbook/how-can-i-help-my-children/
http://www.lovedontfeelbad.co.uk/
http://www.burstingthebubble.com/default.htm
Kind Regards and Keep Posting,
Lisa
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Thank you Lisa. I know what you say makes perfect sense, he is to blame. I’m just starting to come to terms with that myself. I have discussed very poenly with my daughter what dad did, I’ve explained it’s abuse. I’ve told her how wrong it is the way he was when we lived with him & how wrong it is that he’s still very controlling now. She trust me & we have a very good relationship. I don’t. Think he would be able to turn her against me coz she knows what he is like with me. I know he will probably try, he like to play the victim. I dread to think what he’s said to make her think he would kill himself if we split up. I have a feeling he is laying the groundwork coz he knows deep down he is losing me. Yes primbo, we need to start looking after ourselves. Our kids will be better when we feel happy 🙂
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Thank you lisa yes it does make sense …. my saughter and i will get close again we are working on that . My ex abuser tried to destroy us saying stuff like u lot are cling ons .. he tried to isolate me from my family and friends.. hes the most poisoned evil monster i have come across in my life!!!! Anyway me strong like all the rest of the women on here we will not be beaten nor destroyed xx
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I find it best to just talk in general about who bullies are and how to deal with bullying. I rarely mention my ex ( only a few times when I’ve slipped up and my pain has got the better of me).
Our kids are too emotionally involved, too entwined. Also, they don’t have our adult view point. They have young brains, young minds, emotional immaturity,undeveloped outlooks. Think how long it took for us to realise we were living with abuse.
They will realise in their own time, in their own way. In the Mrs time, do all you can to build memories and have a lovely time doing things that don’t involve him.
If it’s any consolation, I am still in touch with my dad, but I full well know who and what he is. I know he is a moral coward. I suppose I don’t want him to die alone. But I ignore his trying to pass blame to everyone else. Your kids will form their own truth as they mature x*x
Hugs X
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