Trying to date

[Scared but hopeful]

Tonight I went on my first “first date” post break up with my abusive boyfriend.

Not entirely sure how but I ended up tell him about my ex now I’m left feeling awful. He was kind and sweet and supportive but I feel bad for over-sharing, for getting too deep and intense when it should have been frivolous and fun. I’m left knowing that I from now on, at some point I will need to tell anyone I date about my ex, it’s too big and it’s effected me too much for it not to be factor. He has forever scarred me and therefore he will forever be a part of my life. So when do you tell people? Too early and it’s too much, too late and you’ve been keeping it a secret.

[Sad and alone]

I would probably agree it’s all a bit much for a first date but understand how it’s such a big part of your history that you feel you have to talk about it. I wouldn’t think of telling someone about it later in a relationship as keeping it a secret. I don’t think anyone would accuse you of that, you talk about these things when you are ready and when you think the other person is ready to accept the information too. For better or worse it is part of who you are now.

If you liked this person I hope things go well for you. You deserve happiness.

[Lisa]

Hi Scared but hopeful,

Welcome and thank you for posting to share this with us. I hope that you find the forum to be a supportive place to talk with other women who understand.

Starting to date again after experiencing domestic abuse is often a learning process. It can be triggering and it is difficult knowing when you share what you’ve been through. It’s likely to impact how you experience aspects of forming a relationship so you need a partner who will treat this with compassion. As Sad and alone has said, waiting until you’re ready and sharing feels safe isn’t keeping a secret. You don’t owe anyone the information, it’s yours to tell or not at the time that feels right for you.

If you feel like you are in need of some additional support, you could chat to a Women’s Aid worker in confidence via our Live Chat service (8am – 6pm weekdays and 10am – 6pm weekends/bank holidays). They won’t tell you what to do, but can discuss your situation and signpost you to other support that’s relevant for you.

Take care and keep posting,
Lisa
(Forum Moderator)

[Happybelle]

I have a mixed view on this really.
I think if I had shared less about a previous difficult relationship this one wouldn’t have known I was an “easy” target. Showing my vulnerable side too early helped him get his claws in. Had I kept my guard up a bit like my instincts were telling me too at the time (I ignored them!) I think I’d be in a better place than I am now.
That said, eventually I would share more. I have always been open on first dates aboit things like not wanting children. For me that is too big a thing for people not to know straight away so I don’t waste their time.
Good luck :), have fun and it’s awesome you’re dating again!

[Author]

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