Trying to explain my life, I'm feeling brave to share: xx

[Moon]

Please don’t laugh and sorry for long post:
But maybe it’s alcohol making me feel brave to share this with you all, but I feel like I have bonded with you all through this horrible situation.
And you are all helping me so much through this horrific journey so I thank you xx
These poems are so personal to me
And if anything should happen to me then I
Just wanted to share this with you to try and explain my life: these words just came out during the past few months when I was and still am trying to make sense of the situation.

Thank you for taking the time to hopefully read them xx

My life 😢

I have three lives which I now live
Mummy, work and one I constantly forgive
I smile and laugh when I am outside the house
But when I’m home I turn into a timid mouse

I make my excuses everyday
Why does he have to make me pay
What have I done that could be so bad
For him to lose his temper and be so mad

He says he gets to the point of no return and loses control
I get pushed around like an old rag doll
I hate that point of no return
I should see the signs, I should learn

You back me into a corner, I can’t get out
You are scaring me as you continue to shout
You say you could crush me, break every bone
I can’t get help you have taken my phone

I said I wasn’t scared and that I didn’t care
Intense pain changed that aswell as you pulling my hair
You definatley showed me who was boss that night
I will never win this soul destroying fight

I clean and tidy so that you don’t shout
My one mistake was not wringing the dishcloth out
I say I’m sorry I wont do it again
But that doesn’t stop you inflicting pain

You have won now, you’ve finally made me cry
I’m still alive but inside I want to die
You let me go once you realised you had crossed the line
You’ve hurt me more than you did the last time

Twice I thought I wouldn’t see the next day
when I ask you about it, you say it’s only play
I’ve had the warning now if I tell anyone or it doesn’t go your way
I’m so scared now, I will never be able to get away

I still love him I just don’t like who he has become
He usually says sorry for what he has done
He promises he won’t hurt me again and that he is in the wrong
His promises never last for very long

I hold on that our life will get back on track
And that one day my body won’t be bruised and black
No one would understand if I say i’ve been hurt inside and out
Too scared to scream, too scared to shout

I know I’m at the point I’m being told what to say
Just need to convince everyone we have a normal family life day to day
I’m a rubbish liar, but I must try
I have to convince everyone, the stakes are too high !!!

I know it’s my fault you hurt me, and the other things that you do
I used to know the signs, but now I have’t a clue
I’m practising saying you’ve changed and nothing is wrong
Please let it come true or I won’t be here for long 🙁

The next chapter:😢

So wanted the next chapter to say something more
But I’ve been weak and still haven’t walked out the door
I tried once so hard I was nearly there
But your tears begun to flow and the promises of I really care

I came home from work and out of the blue
You said ‘ I have bought flowers for you ‘
My blood run cold were you being my friend
Or like that poem is this the start of the end?

I don’t understand your behaviour anymore
You keep saying you’ve changed but I’m not so sure
You act too calm I know this isn’t you
I’m waiting for your next move ..what are you going to do?

I’ve tried to sort this in so many ways
I even got brave for a couple of days
Found my voice and told you I’d had enough
Although you were calm you were still too rough

I’m an object now just for you
It doesn’t matter that I don’t like the things you do
The bruises are hidden I know which words to say
I’m too ashamed to speak about how you now make me pay

Im still waiting for that massive blow
I know it’s in there as you sometimes show
When people ask me questions I want to be honest and say yes yes yes
But the consequences are too high to show that I’m a mess

So the last chapter and this one are now rolled into one
Once again it seems like you have won
You have taken my life although I am still here
It’s my choice though that I live in fear

Decisions to make what do I do
Keep thinking back to when you said I have bought flowers for you
My life is over which ever way I turn
Why didn’t I listen, why didn’t I learn 😢😢

This will be the last chapter as its all going to end
I will never know if you were honestly being my friend
Im so so sorry to anyone that doesn’t understand why
I just can’t stay living this life anymore or living your lie !

Written a few wks ago- how I feel:😢

Punish me as much as you need
In my head I’m already freed
Totally numb by what you do and say
Don’t care if it happens all night or everyday

Don’t care how you do it or what you use
If it ends in blood or just a bruise
Don’t care if your hurting me inside or out
You know I’m never going to shout

You will never make a tear fall from my eye
You’ve got me now inside you’ve made me die
I’m emotionlesss worthless never to be hurt again
Do your worst you will never cause me pain

Life really isn’t as bad I’m in an ok place
Just need to keep a smile on my face.
I survive each day and we get by
I’m not scared of your threats it’s my choice to live or die

Doesn’t feel anymore like it’s happening to me
I can speak out maybe one day I will be free
The words won’t hurt I can say them loud
If I survive one day I will be proud
Xx

[Falling Skys]

O Moon

Thank you

FS xx

[Inneedofsomepeace]

Moon don’t be sorry for your post. It may also be drink😉 but not sure if you have left this man. If you haven’t please know you deserve to be treatrd far far better than this. You can get aaway and can be safe. Sending (((hugs))) feel free to send a private message if you need to talk

[Moon]

Hi in needofspmepeace

I’m still with him at mo- although things may change got a tough few wks ahead.

Thank you I tried to pm you but it wouldn’t let me and now more than ever I could do with some help and advice
Xx

[Tamra]

Hi Moon,

Wow you post has really touched me. Such amazing words with a true sense of meaning and feeling.

big hug
xx

[Moon]

❤️❤️❤️X*x

[Lisa]

You are very talented Moon. You deserve much better than what he is giving you.

Lisa

[Author]

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