Trying to leave

[Bunny4321]

Hiya,
So this is my first post. I have broken up with the guy I am in love with because of his constant ager and aggression. I had managed to do (removed by moderator) whole weeks without seeing him. It was awful. our friends are mutual and i ended up seeing him at a party on (removed by moderator). He was extremely intoxicated as he always is but i felt an obligation to look after him as I have this notion he is misunderstood. I ended up going back with him after him repeatedly asking me whether i was going to stay or go with him. I then have spent the last (removed by moderator) days and nights with him and it was like our love hadn’t changed. This is why i’m finding it so hard to leave because not everytime im with him does something go wrong. I just cant see myself leaving him permanently. I am worried for his health and he has no support for his addictions from anyone yet i dont want to stick around for more of the pain hes caused me for the past year. Im finding it really hard to cut contact.

[Wants To Help]

Hi Bunny,

Welcome to the forum, you’ll find lots of ladies here who are or have been in the same situation as you, I’m sure you will find lots of helpful advice and support.

The reason you are finding it hard to leave him and cut contact is because it IS hard. This is a journey that takes time and has never been easy. Leaving someone who is not abusive is not easy, but leaving someone who is an abuser is always harder.

Well done for leaving for a number of weeks already. The positive thing you have learned here is that you have recognised that despite your love for him you know that a future with a man who is angry and aggressive is not going to do you any good long term. It takes an average of 7 times of leaving an abuser before a lady will finally leave for good. For me it was just under that, I certainly didn’t leave for good the first time I left.

We have to learn to try and separate our feelings for them from their behaviour to us. The more we love them is not going to make them appreciate us any more of treat us any nicer. In some ways, the more of their c**p we put up with the less respect they have for us. There is a saying of…

Be careful what you tolerate, it shows someone how they can treat you.

Your concerns for him, his health, his addictions, him being ‘misunderstood’ are all understandable. We’ve all been there and we’ve all stayed with our abusers way longer than we should have because we think that with our love, patience, care and understanding we can ‘make them better’, but this is all a fantasy that we live in.

Abusers have good days too, they can be nice, they can remind us of why we fell in love with them, but this doesn’t last for long. Does he treat other people in his life the way he treats you? What about his friends, his work mates, his family members, strangers? If he is consistently nasty, aggressive and violent to everyone in his life then he could be a generally violent man, but if he is nice to others 99% of the time and then can turn on you in an instant then he is choosing to abuse you and you only. Does he treat you this way in front of others, or only when it’s just the two of you? I’m sure I can guess the answer. Therefore, he is not ‘misunderstood’, he is an abusive man.

You are not responsible for his health. Is he worried about his health? If not, why not? Is he taking responsibility for his health? If not, why not? If he’s not, why should you? He’s a grown adult. What are his addictions? Is he trying to overcome them? If not, his addictions are not a concern to him, and no matter how much of a concern they are to you, he will never overcome them if he’s not willing to. HIS addictions will affect YOU more than him.

If his addictions are alcohol he can take himself to a local Alcoholics Anonymous meeting and get support there, same if it’s gambling with Gamblers Anonymous. If it’s drugs he can reach out to his GP and local drug service in your area, there are lots of ways he can take responsibility for himself to improve himself if he wants to. You will be wasting time, effort and energy trying to change him and taking responsibility for him, along with damaging your own well-being in the process.

The reality is, unless you do find a way of leaving this man permanently your life is going to continue to be mainly miserable and unhappy but with the occasional good moments. Is that what you want for yourself? I’m sure it’s not. You do not mention having children so that is one less complicating factor. Please do not think that having a baby with him will change him because it won’t. NOTHING you can do will change him. The only way to change your partner is to… change your partner!

If he really wants you in his life he needs to clean up his act and work on himself. A realistic option (although one I’ve never heard of anyone on here having success with) would be that you leave him and tell him exactly why and then go no contact for good and move on with your life as best as you can. If he really wants you then he has to go about seeking out his own help and support to change himself and his way of life – not for you – but for himself, forever. (If he does try and change himself for you then if you were to go back to him he’d just revert to his same old ways.) Then, maybe in 18 months – 2 years time when he’s done all of this work and is free of addictions (but remaining in therapy for them) and he’s sought out counselling and you hear he’s a changed man from various sources there may be a chance for you to try again if you still wanted him. As real as that option could be, it does seem to remain a fantasy for most, but that’s what level of responsibility he needs to take to change his ways.

Instead of putting your care in to him, put it in to yourself. Research domestic abuse, the cycle of abuse, the behaviours of a coercive controller and ask yourself if you are worth more than this sort of treatment? Sometimes, we are so used to being treated a certain way that we feel we don’t deserve better – abuse leaves our self esteem and self worth very low.

Are you worried that you may not find someone else? Are you worried about being alone and him moving on and being with someone else? Are you worried that he might become the perfect man with someone else and that a new person could get the man you never had? Trust me, whoever he has next will get the same man that you had, unless he is willing to do work on himself. My ex has had several more wives since me and each of them have had it progressively worse than I did. Unlike wine, these men do not improve with age! That’s because they never see themselves as the problem; their problem is always the women they’re with!

[Author]

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