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Hello, new here! I’ve been lurking for a little while and this forum has been a great help, so I wondered if anyone has advice for me in my own situation.
I’ve been stuck in an emotionally abusive relationship for over (detail removed by moderator) years 🙁
My partner doesn’t work, I work varying hours on a low wage and I’m still main carer of our 4 children. He has depression/ anxiety which he takes out on me and drinks a lot at home.
After a lot of failed attempts I’m feeling a bit stronger, my job is helping and I’m reaching out to others more, but I’m stuck with no where to go.
He refuses to leave and won’t let us sell the house. I’m thinking my only options are council housing -tried to get on the register today but there website not working, or an occupational order. Has anyone tried either of these? If I get occ order he won’t go quietly! And what happens to the mortgage? He can’t pay anything as doesn’t work. If I leave am I likely to loose the house? I want to keep the children with me, what if he tries to keep them? -
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Thanks Diymum, he would never admit to having alcohol problems, even though he puts having a drink above everything and has hidden bottles of (detail removed by moderator) in the house! So he’s undiagnosed as an alcoholic. I’ve spoken to a nurse this week (couldn’t get an appointment with GP) who was very supportive and has it on record. I’ve never called police on him, although I should have done in the past, but police have been out when he self harmed and again when he ran off and threatened suicide. They spoke mainly to him, making sure he was ok etc… no one asked if me or the children were ok 🙁
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Ring the helpline on here or Rights of Women. I think an occupation order would be best. Does he have somewhere else to go as that will be a factor. If not, a court can order the sale of the house if he won’t agree, you can take that decision out his hands. Start keeping a diary of his behaviour. Tell your GP how this is impacting everyone especially the children. Build a case for your occupation order. I wonder is he’s only abusive around you? Can he control his abusive behaviour in public. For years I blamed my husbands anger management problems but he was only angry round me, when the door was closed. Don’t blame the alcohol. Lots of people drink heavily but aren’t abusive. He chooses to be abusive. You’d still be obligated to meet your mortgage payments even if you could get on the housing list so could you afford rent and mortgage? A private rental is another way to go but again you will have mortgage payments. Could you talk to your mortgage company and as for a payment sabbatical, if you have enough equity. Contact your local women’s aid for help. A refuge might be a temporary answer.
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Isn’t it odd how blind we are, calling an abuser’s behaviour an ‘anger management’ issue and telling ourselves he can’t help it?
They are managing their anger alright! It never pops out around anyone they respect or fear; they never smash up their own treasures; they cope at work!
It was when I dialled 999 after he’d let go of my neck and stopped banging my head against the kitchen door that I saw his ‘uncontrollable’ rage pop like a soap bubble and he slunk into the sitting room and curled up in the corner of a sofa like a scolded puppy to await their arrival.
They manage their anger perfectly to exert control. It’s all choices!
Flower x
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Most solicitors will give you half hour free session so try to book a couple and see what they say. Don’t lose hope. That’s what he’s counting on. The first time you feel threatened by him ring 999. The police can help if you’re in fear. Is there anyone on his side that can talk sense to him? Can you lie to him and ask for a ‘trial separation’. Then get your occupation order once he’s out. It sounds like the best way is going to be through the court and order the sale of the property. It might sound daunting but you know this can drag on for years. You could also talk to the mortgage company. Do t know how much equity is in your property but if you moved out and rented private and handed the keys back and let them deal with him? They should have a vulnerable persons department and also I found citizens advice were a great source too. Once you move out and private rent you might find he will want to see if you’re not there for him to abuse.
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Ok I have a joint mortgage with my abusive ex and although he left willingly I’d say don’t give up the house. Kids have first rights to living there. Also if he doesn’t pay mortgage then it ruins ur credit rating etc.
U need to build evidence, pics a alcohol bottle build up for the proof he got alcohol problem, try record when he violent/abusive/shouting and so on. Any incidents report them.
His mental health will work against him as far as the kids and any custody battles.
As evidence builds it then becomes enough to get him legally removed from the house.
Evidence is key as they never admit a thing!
All takes time.
Don’t give up your family home unless absolutely necessary (danger). Why should you suffer any further! -
Also if your lender would let u take the mortgage independently then it may not be that u need to sell, but change ownership etc.
All these things can be done via divorcing him. Or if you’re not married I assume there’s a finance order type thing for cohabiters.
He doesn’t have to agree, if he point blank refused then courts decide. He can’t wholly control it. Yes make it difficult but not prevent.
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