Trying to make sense of it..

[HunkyDory]

Sorry if I’m posting nonsense but think I need some guidance from you wonder women.

We’ve been apart a few months he’s back in his home country. It was so hard at the beginning but I’ve been getting better. Throwing myself into work like I couldn’t when he was here, and enjoying it.

I still have access to his messages. That’s how I found he was messaging multiple women from his home country when he was here, with very explicit messages and getting the same back.

I check them still. Not as often but every few days. For one reason only – to make sure he’s still there and not coming back here because I’m so scared he will. That’s the only way I will know. I have blocked him on social media. I blocked his number from calling me although there’s nothing stopping him calling me from another number but he hasn’t so part of me thinks well if he REALLY wanted to contact me and get a response he would try that.

He’s sent me a message (detail removed by moderator) asking me to call him because he wants to talk. He misses me. I daren’t stop checking the messages in case I miss a signal he’s on his way back and I can prepare. I know it’s wrong and I have no other motive to look. I really couldn’t care less what’s going on in his life, but I want to protect myself. I was doing so well and now I’ve seen that, I’ve gone backwards.

The other complication is I do need to get in touch with him at some point more than once in the coming 12 months because the financial agreement I made with him means I have to contact him in order to send the money I agreed to him.

I don’t think I have any feelings apart from pity for him. I’m trying my best not to remember how much I loved him. But his actions showed it wasn’t mutual despite him saying how much he loved me. My head is so screwed up. Sorry for the long post. It’s a very complicated situation and it helps just getting my thoughts out there even if no one can help me. X*x

[fizzylem]

Hey Hunkydory, you sound really frightened of him coming back, it also sounds like you are getting triggered when you check the messages. Ideally we all need to get into the frame of mind that says ‘I’ll deal with it when/if it happens’, rather than checking for incoming all the time, as this doesn’t help. So you need to work out how and what you need in place that will enable you to do that so that you can let this fear and him go.

Maybe call the helpline and talk it through to see if there are things that you can do to feel you are protecting yourself / feel safer in the world and how to manage this settlement. Most of us go through a third party to put a barrier in place for protection and to stop it escalating – perhaps you can do this for comms now and send him the money via this person? Sends a clear message you wont engage directly, and if you continue with it he’ll give up at some point. I wouldn’t get into anything with him – it never goes how you hope because he’s either out to abuse, control, cause distress, get info or will try charming you back because life is better for him when you are in it. Whatever it is its because he wants you for something so if you engage all you’re doing is walking into a trap. You really have nothing to say to him now do you and want shot of him sp there is nothing in it for you to respond, you just want to sort out this last tie and it’s done, could easily be arranged via someone else hey x

[EbonyRaven]

What would you do differently if he was to travel back to this country? Is knowing that going to really help you? Are there things you can put into place for if he were to turn up, for example always having your ‘phone charged, having new locks fitted, or a door bar etc. Maybe if you set these up you can relax a little and know that if he were to turn up you are ready and can call the police immediately.

You can then take the hard steps of cutting him away from your life. Get his bank details now, or get a 3rd party to, and do an international transfer when it comes to sending the money. You needn’t contact him further about that.

I imagine it was horrible to find out he was messaging others whilst with you. This is all the more reason to delete your door into his messages. Make it so you can’t see them and not hurt yourself by reading them. You can begin to really walk away and heal then.

[HunkyDory]

Thank you fizzylem and EbonyRaven. I never thought about triggers, I didn’t think I was affected, but you’re right. I discovered another trigger today. I was home all day and heard a sound like a beer can opening. I darted round the house checking if he was here. Irrational. It was horrible to see those messages and it led to our breakup along with everything else but now I just want him to be with one of them so I feel better that he’s with someone. Irrational. Again 🙄. So yes it is a door to misery, well put EbonyRaven.

Unfortunately with the money I don’t trust anyone to be a third party over there, even his family sadly. I do think I can resist getting drawn in – i will literally send the transfer info and block him again. I absolutely don’t want him back but the demon of trauma bonding just wants him to be ok. But I’m sure that will subside in time. Thank you both for your insight and support as always. You’re amazing xx

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