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As a teenager I witnessed domestic violence between my mum and dad. My dad was the perpetrator, he was not only physically violent towards my mum but also very jealous, controlling and paranoid. I would dread coming home from school as I didn’t know what mood he would be in, at times I stayed with friends and my grandparents so I didn’t have to go home, I was lucky to have that. I was so scared for my mum I honestly though he would kill her, me and my younger brother saw him pin her up the wall and put his hands round her throat more than once and I feel so guilty to this day that I never called the police. I also know that she experienced sexual violence as it was hard to hide from what you could hear at night. He was also emotionally abusive towards me, he would accuse me of lying and making up things about him, he called me fat and made me feel worthless. He said I was s**m. As the years have moved on I see him only very occasionally but my emotions are very confused, I feel that I still hate him but also i feel sorry for him and i don’t know why. He has remarried and had more children and they know nothing of his past. My trust issues and lack of self esteem have lead me into an abusive relationship of my own which is thankfully over now. I now have an amazing partner and want to move on so desperately but I still harbour deep trust issues, insecurity and battle with depression and anxiety. Ive tried medication and counselling but he’s always there in the back of my mind. Ive tried to speak to my dad about it over the years but he says I’m making it up and over reacting.
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It’s no wonder you have trust issues. Have you considered talking to women’s aid. They deal with DV from both parent and child perspectives. I wouldn’t waste my time with your dad. Abusers always minimise their abuse. You know exactly what you experienced and don’t let him make you think otherwise. Perhaps some joint councelling with your new partner might put you at ease. Might make you see that he’s not from the same mould as your dad and past partner. ❤️
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Thank you, My counsellor recently put me in touch with a local support group tailored for victims and witnesses of DV so I’m hoping to go forward with that, I just hate talking about it in person, I find it very uncomfortable! But i know it needs to be done. Yes that is a very good point about the police, I hadn’t really thought of it that way before. I’m trying to leave my dad behind I haven’t seen him for a year and he makes no effort to keep in touch, i think it’s more convenient for him with his new family. I am very close to my mum and we do talk about it occasionally but I think she feels very guilty for not ‘protecting’ us. I don’t know whether it would be a good idea to write him a letter as a kind of closure exercise, i’m not sure if it would make me feel better or not.
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Why don’t you write the letter but don’t send it. Write it then watch it burn? I wouldn’t waste any time contacting your dad. I don’t think a letter would make any difference to him. If anything, he could use it against you X you will never get closure from an abuser because they don’t believe they’ve done anything wrong. I’m so glad you’re still close to your mum. My husband seems to have turned my child against me meantime X
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Thats so sad to hear, its very easy to be influenced by the lies of someone you love. I really hope that time brings you together again x Thank you for your advice, i guess I need to let go of the fantasy that he will admit to what he’s done and get to a place where I don’t need that to move on. I think half the battle is actually accepting that he doesn’t feel remorse or hold himself responsible for how he’s made us feel.
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