Trying to move on

[Ilikechicken]

I have to have regularly contact with the ex due to two Young children we share. I am desperate to move on and feel better and some days are good, but other days especially when I have to communicate with him I just feel he is in complete control. The children are emotionally all over the place when they return and he constantly tried to manipulate more contact with the children. I’m constantly worried due to the threats of mediation and court yet again, emotionally and financially i just can’t keep going through it again. Can you successfully move on when you have kids with an abuser. Feeling low and hopeless.

[KIP.]

Hi there, sorry you’re feeling this way but as you say you have good days and bad days. So that’s a positive. On the good days when you feel strong think about how you can limit contact. Contact is toxic. Is there a third party that can act as a go between? Do you have support from your local women’s aid? Have you spoken to a solicitor about the actual likelihood of mediation. My understanding is where there’s been domestic abuse you don’t need to mediate. Set out your firm boundaries and if you need the court to back you up then with legal advice that may be your best option because then he can’t continue his threats which he knows keeps you in fear. His game is fear. He knows what threats work best. If there is access agreed then that’s the times he gets the kids. A third party handover. A third party contact number for emergencies then a third party contact for handover again, the third party email for any issues around the children. Then in between his access there is no contact and you get to become stronger and empowered and by sticking to those boundaries, slowly, day by day, peace returns to your life x

[KIP.]

His abuse will continue for life so setting strong boundaries now will protect you for years to come x keep,that journal of the children emotions after visits and anything they tell you. Keep a journal and any threatening emails or texts so far. Threatening behaviour even in texts shows his true intentions are simply to carry on the abuse. Which gives him strength and sucks the life from you x

[Diverdi]

I know the feeling. Out for a while but have children. Every contact seems to take multiple messages to arrange, short notice, tries to push limits and the minute I let him have an inch, he then assumes that it’s going to be that way from now on.
Tired of having to keep pushing and frustrated that his messages all read like he just didn’t know/understand or he’s limited by covid/transport etc, so would look totally reasonable if I tried to complain.
I hear they often just give up altogether, so hoping he’ll eventually disappear out of my life, ideally without manipulating or damaging the children in the interim.
I wish there was more information out there on life after abuse, although I suspect if we knew before leaving how difficult it would be, we’d never leave…

[Ilikechicken]

Thank you. I did suggest we both used Third parties but he has refused, he refuses third party handover, but luckily the order states we do handover in public place. We use a book and email but he is always pushing more contact and overnights, therefore (detail removed by Moderator). He is being all nice on the surface of his messages, which I find hard to deal with as he is very coercive and people don’t see it. I dont have support of women’s aid anymore after I left, I think that’s why I’m struggling so much. He is constant in the book and via email some nonsense and excuses to push push push. I think your right he knows that I’m afraid of court and them awarding him more custody as he causes the children emotional distress with his games.

[KIP.]

Keep a journal of his behaviour and how it’s affecting the children. Don’t read his nonsense. Ignore it. Send it straight to a third party if you want to and they can tell you the basics if it’s even relevant so you don’t need to read his nonsense. If he’s misusing the book then tell him just to use email because of it. It’s not up to him whether you use a third party for handovers and if it takes the stress out of your life then use a third party. it will cost him money to go back to court and he will have to justify it. He’s very likely bluffing because he knows it triggers you. Again keep any threats in your journal. Stick to the court order and don’t break it, don’t give him any extra time because he can use this with the court by saying look I’m getting them more and it’s working out and she allowed it x taking back control will empower you. Yes it’s scary because of his threats but once you know you have that power, it boosts your confidence. Abusers are bullies. You need zero direct contact to move on. Contact is toxic x

[lionessinthedark]

This sounds so familiar, I find it so hard to have contact with my ex. I decided to try and have my ex have a relationship with his son, and now I have to be around him all the time. Which leaves me wonder if I made the right choice, because I feel he still holds a lot of control over me. I never went through court, because at the time of leaving, I didn’t feel like I was able to go through with it, plus, I don’t think I have any evidence that would support my case. So, in order to avoid my son suffering through a trial, I felt it was better attempting for him to have a relationship with my ex. I don’t know if any of this makes any sense…
I will try and take in some of the responses of how any contact is basically toxic and if there is anything I can do to change how things are going just now.

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