Trying to process if my relationship was abusive

[Sparklylights]

Hello everyone,

First time poster here. I’m thankfully safe and have left now but I’m struggling to convince myself whether what I went through was abuse.

He had been struggling with his mental health as long as I knew him and I always supported him. When we moved in he started being unwell all the time which I later found out was because he was an alcoholic and had been hiding his drinking from me. He would get really angry every night and would scream at me and himself, swearing, calling me names, insulting me. He would eventually pass out and apologise to me and cry in the morning, and say that he had been trying to push me away to hurt himself. Sometimes he would tell me I was causing him all his distress, others he would tell me that I was the only thing getting him through life. (detail removed by moderator) If I rejected sex, he would get upset and guilt me because he thought it meant I didn’t find him attractive. I really tried to help him get help but he couldn’t see that the drinking was causing problems and professional help was taking ages to come through. It took until he told me that he wanted to physically hurt me for me to leave.

The reason I’m struggling with whether this was abuse is because he was clearly struggling so much on a personal level, with depression, anxiety and alcoholism. I don’t think without the alcohol he ever would have dreamed of hurting me. He had outbursts around family and friends too so it wasn’t perfectly contained behind closed doors.

It’s been several months now and I can’t seem to move on from him and keep going back to remind myself that even though I miss him, leaving was the right thing to do. I just can’t seem to allow myself to think it was abuse so that I can try to process what happened and would love some thoughts.

Thank you!

[charmed]

Hi sparklylights I can relate to this yes it is abuse. My partner is the same and for so long I put the behaviour down to alcohol but it’s not just that, it obviously doesn’t help but the name calling,insults, pushing and damm right bullying behaviour is abuse they just use alcohol as an excuse to do it.I’ve tried to help him with his mental health but he doesn’t want to know. My partner actually told me that if he says or does something wrong when he’s drunk it doesn’t count! Just because HE doesn’t remember but we all do and have to live with it, he attacked my son (detail removed by moderator) and still to this day he sees no fault for doing it.

I think you were right to leave after the threat of violence and you should be proud of yourself for that it will take time but you know you are safe. Take care and give yourself some love xx

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