9th January 2016 at 1:39 am #7333
the constant battle in my head thats no longer the reality going on around me in my life (because we’re out) but continues on apace.
Being asked a direct question and too scared to speak, head messed up and ending up in tears (continually accused of lying before i’d even started and neverending justification of my actions) – I know that workers are not going to accuse me of lying, but unless one is very convincing in their belief in me before i even start i am already in ‘rabbit in headlights’ mode and full on justification of myself.
Scared to make decisions for fear i’m doing it wrong – mkaing a decision and crucifying myself over it feeling sick. rerunning the consequences.
just scared of everything, everyone.
being expected to go through court nearly literally killed me and caused huge additional trauma and since then everything else has been more trauma. Each new professional i have to face questions from, i can’t keeep putting myself through this, but its the only way to move forward, but its making me worse, my voice is disappearing and my fog growing 🙁
i want to put an end to it all by offering myself up to him completely and having him destroy me because this is torture anyway and i am a broken thing, and how happy this would make him.
I had no contact with him, and yet he would turn up at events i went to, and watch me from a short distance. He would appear at places i was driving to and i would see him turn and stare hard right through me as if he’d completely expected me to be there at that moment, phone friends to track me down when i went too far away, but how could he have known i was away anywhere? How did he do this?
Neighbours would tell me they’d seen him standing outside my house, why? they assumed (because i never told anyone) that he was waiting for us to come out, so it was by chance Ifound out.
How could he possibly know my movements and the reason even being in Refuge hasn’t changed that feeling of still not being safe. His continual use of others, his drug fuelled friends, and others that i had counted as friends, to do his dirty work. Those friends that i now truly count as trusted friends he seeks to intimidate and stalks.
the people that i had counted as friends that he visits to tell them how messed up i am and plead with them because i have made everything so hard for him, poor him, please make her do as she’s told!
the lies in court. Even though the judge ruled he’s said nothing (provided no evidence) to contest the abuse allegations, still he gets the injunction over-ruled. How does that work? so how can i trust friends, myself, anyone, or ever feel safe. How would he know whether i was home or not or at the contact centre or not, or wherever i am, even after leaving it, how does he know my whereabouts? who can i trust and where can i go without ever watching my back?
9th January 2016 at 2:40 am #7335
Oh karma, all you are going through and feeling is so typical of the previously abused,
it is hard to find our voice, our true voice about how we feel, or think when we have had no true voice because of having to give the right or safest answer for so long, or if our answers have been given by others for us for so long.
making decision is another common struggle to remaster, one I still struggle with now.
I feel that he has done a right job on removing your confidence in yourself, and that is where you need to start I feel,
You know what has happened, and his words to the contrary are feigned and false, when you are right, you are right, your decision is your decision, don’t feel that others may disapprove of you, because if they had walked in your steps,then how could they.
I thought I must be some freak because I saw things so different from others,
Now I understand and I am glad they don’t see things as I do, They are innocent to the horrors that I know are real.
Try not to over-ruminate your decisions, and cut yourself off from if only’s and what if’s.
We’re you a reliable creature of habit? Because if we are responsible and loyal our movements do tend to become predictable or is there so sinister tracking involved?
Living as you have with your movements being monitored it is understandable that your feel as you do and despite where you are it will take contestant reassurance for you to ‘feel safe’
I lived looking over my shoulder and it makes you feel as you are feeling,
Please hang in there, and don’t feel alone with all this,
Sending you strength and love and a big hug too,
Trust your judgement, don’t let others make you doubt yourself, even the courts repeated get it wrong, you know what it has been like for you, don’t internalise it all, it’s more shake it out, than shake it off
In time others will see it too, but in time it won’t matter to you that they have then because you knew it all along.
X x x
9th January 2016 at 11:10 am #7350
thank you Daisy.
yes i know some things become habitual especialy around children, but no the things i’m talking about are activities, or something newly planned socially, and all things, looking back, that i hadn’t done previously. or like the contact centre, the arrival times were carefully planned so there was no crossover so he could have not seen me there or heard me.
Some other things involving his friends, were related to routines i had with the children. things like school timings are easy to know.
he told me my friends weren’t really my friends and it turned out to be true they wanted to find out whether or not i was going to court, but completely uninterested in how i was, and lied in statements to court. people who work supporting women in abuse. he would phone me when i arrived in a pub and then i would realise friends of his were watching me.
How can i ever be free unless i know how he knows my movements?
9th January 2016 at 12:51 pm #7355
After ruling out that you don’t have any devises that he could be tracking you on, ( ie my phone is set to be tracked if I lose it so I guess I am trackable) but I am safe, and well away from my abuser and have been for over a decade now.
I’m sure you are aware,
So I’m thinking that your pain here is others real life soap opera, and the asking how you are, where you are feeds that.
To pass on info, is linked to the above, lots of people love drama, but I understand that this is not the people we want in our lives, and the emotional pain of cutting everyone, toxic and negative out and having no one but it is the only way to go to stop this,
If he won’t change,
You can’t control them
But you can change yourself so they don’t know what you are doing( except for the contact centre, because you will be there twice inevitably unless someone drops and collects for you)
Why should you always lose out ? Well you shouldn’t have to, it’s not fair, but it won’t be forever.
Life’s not always fair karma, as we know.
I have missed my children’s weddings, so I understand first hand how unfair and hard what I am suggesting you try is, but so is the present living on a commando run each day of your life
X x x
9th January 2016 at 1:04 pm #7356
yes i understand what you are saying Daisy, there’s no way i’ll ever make any difference to him no, thats for sure, we can’t change them,only make our own changes.
I might beg for it to stop, to end, but only he can do that and i’m on in the business of terrifying people so that they will do as they’re told, doing whatever’s necessary to make them tow the line,and changing tactics if it stops terrifying.
I have dropped those people, i went through that pain ages ago, and now realise i didn’t lose anything actually as they weren’t very good friends, or couldn’t understand my situation, but that knowledge of where i was has only come from him, and he directed others to find out where we were going, but it was him that knew we were a long way from home, or away somewhere different to what he’d know or expect.
Its meaning me spending my life running commando style as you put so well! If i knew how he knew this i might be able to do something about it and not spend my life in fear of it.
to finally take my own ccontrol back and not spend the rest of my life in fear
9th January 2016 at 1:06 pm #7357
i meant to say… he bought all our devices! and had them set to upload all our contacts, messages etc to a cloud that he as the owner had passworded access to, and would get copies of all emails, appointments etc..
these devices are the perfect tool for the stalker, they can access everything. he even set up an email address that would automatically send an email to him too.
9th January 2016 at 8:54 pm #7390
that was meant to say ‘NOT’ … in the business of terrifying others!!!
looked wrong when i read it back!
I don’t know how to prove that he’s not tracking me, protecting your privacy is now one of the hardest things possible to do. Especially when its his line of business, technology and tracing people.
How can i ever be at rest?
9th January 2016 at 10:19 pm #7394
I understood, so no worries,
So are any of your or your children’s devices from pre leaving era or post leaving presents because that could be it?- couldn’t it.
Hold you head up, lovely lady and no begging, please- why feed the already too big ego that thrives on seeing your misery,
As desperate as it gets, we will shoulder the “wobbles”
Taking back control, is within you, as is finally combating the fear, Whatever cruel game he plays, opt out as much as you can,and it may be a long time before he loses his intense interest in you, but he will.
x x x
9th January 2016 at 10:22 pm #7395KIP.Participant
Can you set him up? Arrange to go somewhere really strange. Tell the police. Then if he turns up. Take his picture? Play him at his own game. Definitely tell the police of your concerns. There have been women on here who’s partners have downloaded apps to their phones for tracking. Get rid of any device he has had access to and start again. Remember the cycle of abuse. I truly believe after we leave, our bodies still follow the routine of feeling good, then comes the build up, eggshells and worry, then the brick wall and meltdown. You’ve done so well. Keep pushing forwards x
10th January 2016 at 12:50 pm #7414
how can he have such intense interest in me and yet behind closed doors act like he had no children or partner? the same when out ignore me completely until i actually found someone was talking to me then he’d magically appear, like children do when they want your attention.
i like your thinking KIP, but i am not truly not brave like you all are when i hear what you’ve all been through and could do something like this, the further i have got away the more scared i have become and i could not face him. We are spending our lives in hiding, and now i’m blaming myself that its because i’m weak and should be stronger.
I get what you mean about that abuse cycle, but these are specifics that i then take action over.
nope, just broken i think. Its my own fault for not letting go of the things in my life that have connections with him (without giving away details) – but he looks through childrens devices so could do whatever he wants really and the children can’t stop him. Its all very innocent, looking through their music or whatever, or ‘making sure’ its all set up right.
I don’t hear much on here about being tracked and found, feel really alone with it and now away from everything, even more alone, and just a miserable moo really! Despite just brilliant support, never known support like it, how does it change, will i ever be/feel safe again?
my experience of his behaviour has taught me that I was stupid not to see it before and to mistrust my gut feelings completely, and now just shut down, broken, and i know the things that broke me, realising i had actually watched him changing his tactics to terrorise me, which i hadn’t realised at the time, and that he broke through my security by all these breaches through people knowing where i was, and him manipulating them to track me, and him turning up and watching us. Nothing will ever stop it and i will never have peace, and always be in hiding.
tell me how to hide myself completely I think. Someone, i read on here, was able to give another name to benefits or housing, I think.. not sure which. How far should i go leave the country? would i be commiting a crime? the trouble is you are forced to maintain links with a male that has abused his partner and children, you can never be free. the law supports it, he has all the rights despite whats said. Poor him, all his suffering poor guy.
10th January 2016 at 2:03 pm #7416
Sorry, intense interest was me putting things politely, and confusingly, in hindsight,
His obsession with harassing and stalking you more like, better?
Behind closed doors being when you were together?
Well that’s easy, with controlling abusers it’s got to be their way, so if you are not where you should be, doing what you should be and ever so grateful to his lordship for nothing!!!then how dare you! Did you get the required permission! , do you see what I mean?
Your not doing what Mr control freak wants so you are the obsession at the moment. How dare you defy and not tow his line,
is he used to getting his own way karma.
How is he about his public image? the least attentive husbands and fathers still want their fairytale image in place, and this not to be jeopardised, and again they think how dare you?
Can you see Karma, that you are strong, to defy and
And withstand the control.
It’s certainly not weak to opt for the flight and sit it out method, and it is pretty successful, but I understand how we feel weak, I too felt I should have been stronger and gave myself a hard time.
I don’t anymore, I have my desired result and got there -long haul, but got there.
I know of many cases where names changes and opting out of electoral rolls apply, but of one case that the courts tracked someone down re contact through national insurance number so you can try to disappear, but ultimately you may have to turn and face it.
I think every month, year, counts, but it is always lingering that cloud.
I think the more distance within the uk between you, the easier it would be to walk the streets without the fear and constant looking over your shoulder, and God bless the tolls inbetween.
But the reality is that this puts off all visitor you would want too
X x x
11th January 2016 at 12:17 am #7483
its weird what you say about that public persona in comparison, as i recall people saying to me the way he spoke to them of being so perfect. He spoke like a text-book and he sold me on that too… a new man, and certainly an involved loving father, who would be considering the needs of children and mother.
btw i didn’t think you wrote it wrong (intense) just confused about intensity on one hand and detachment on other hand, and everything stopped making sense after meeting him.
Spouting about how he would never hit a woman (I don’t know why because i never thought to ask him when we first met). Yet i ended up terrorised, and he never so much as touched my pregnant belly, didn’t want pregnancies wanted abortion. How i wish i’d gone it alone back then.
I am lost in fear now. Fear eats up my life, and court is to blame for that aswell, and friends who betrayed my trust, until i trusted noone. i look back at the demise of it all now with as much horror as the relationship. Oh god when will it stop. i’m not sure it will ever get better even though the anxiety is much much lower than at first, this awful fear continues. I know him too well.
when the children wouldn’t be with him if they were ill. how if any of us are less than on form, how angry it makes him, if we can’t perform. I only just realised i’m still not over the tidying, the feeling dirty, hiding nasty dirty secrets all so dingey and seedy.
I am sorry to hear where this all led you too, i remember about you missing your daughter’s wedding, and i think even now that i am already resigned to that possibility. Good that you can talk about it now from a place of distance and safety.
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