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Had horrendous past few months. Like all the boundaries I had set up were being challenged,like I was being mistreated from all sides.
I’ve had an epiphany. I have even told my kids I won’t tolerate mistreatment. If they have issues, fine- talk about it. Don’t take it out on me.
I could seriously move remote island.
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Thanks, KIP.
I’ve had a horrendous week. I slipped into being taken advantage of again!
We think we are clued up on abusers, but we don’t see them coming always. They come in all shapes and sizes, and roles.
In my case, it was my lodger, who I had to have to help me survive the financial straits my divorce placed me in.
To cut a long story short, he seemed so nice, so much so that I have charged him less than so should, etc. We never drop the people pleasing easily, do we? I just wanted to give him a break, as he was in a new country and had little money in the early days.
Basically, he asked me if his friend could stay. He made out it would be for a few days, and so I didn’t want to charge, but that’s turned into over a month.
In that time, I have gone from being relaxed in my own home, to feeling that it’s their house!
They have used things that even I don’t use, rooted through private cupboards, hogged the downstairs rooms ( they pay just for a room), and generally dominated everything.
When I had to go away because one of my parents had a serious medical issue and in hospital, they took advantage and invited people in who I didn’t know. My eldest son, who is old enough to be left for a couple of days, rang to tell me that there were strangers in my home, and that he felt uncomfortable.
Typical abuser behaviour: my lodger is denying any wrong doing, even though as my son said to him, he was inviting these people because I wasn’t there.
When I finally confronted his behaviours, he became very arrogant and was completely in denial. With his friend there as back-up, they have been very passive-aggressive. Then they refused to move on the day they were meant to ( they’d already told me they intended to move with friends, so I found another lodger, and they started refusing to go on that date).
I have been getting more and more triggered. This lodger, though I told him I wanted to protect my kids from any problems, went to my son and – abusive tactic- began talking to him about it, trying to make me look bad. Got a couple of hours, my son was quite unkind about things.
Anyway, Serenity has taken control. I’ve told my kids to be respectful, let me deal with it, and I gave both of the lodgers their matching orders- they need to leave today or I will be calling the agency for their next property. Using that as leverage is the only way they will sit up and listen.
If they don’t go today, I may have to call the police. This friend of the lodger is living in my house rent free, and I don’t trust him.
I’m normally able to deal with such things in avalanches manner, but my PTSD was really triggered by this. Last night I felt so anxious, I had to deep breathe. But today is a sunny day, I will take my power back and get rid of these people. My lodger is being very disrespectful. Typical abuser, he’s taken offence at being questioned. I feel like a victim in my own home.
Learning boundaries is so important, but sometimes people engineer situations do that you don’t realise their actual plans until it’s too late. Still, we can make a u-turn and take our power back.
The wishing I lived on a remote island was because I have realised I am still a magnet for different types of perpetrators. I thought I had learnt! I was thinking the only way to avoid abuse was to become a hermit on a remote isle, lol!
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Well done serenity if they dont go call the police . Like kip said no experience is wasted the next people iron clad contract and they can pay full rent and totally no other people staying!
Just think every time you feel anxious because in the past if you set a boundary it was violated or worse you had a bad consequence from it remember you are in charge. Its your home and to be blunt you hold the cards!
Do you think it might be better to rent to a lady or younger person? it might be less intimidating and triggering? I find i am more anxious around women then men. Because my abuser was female.
I have also found time helps with our boundaries. At the beginning i was terrified to set them as when i was little if i did something wrong ( what my mum percieved wrong) she would threaten to kill me. So even if as an adult someone was doing something bad to me i could not say no..
A very sad example of that was once i sexually assulted and i knew what the perpetrator wanted to do but i was to scared to protect myself in the first instance as i was conditioned if you say no or fight you get in danger maybe even killed. This person was abusing a position of trust and i was definately not in danger of getting hurt or killed if i had said no . But my emotional response was fear so i did what the person wanted. And then bizarly with that conditioning i was brought up with i had the treatment i wanted to avoid I also felt shame after and stupid. but nowadays im different i say no straight off to anyone lol! over anything i dont want to do! And boy do i dig in if anyone trys to inappropriately challenge my right to say no!!
So i totally understand the boundary thing and i think your pretty awesome sticking up for yourself and getting these men out. take care
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Wow, Serenity, I hope they are gone.
For the next lodger, request references, a police check, confirmation where they work.
That will deter a lot of deranged people.
It must have felt really scary to have two strange men in your property.
I hope they did not steal anything.
I watch these American series about strangers in the home and they report a lot about lodgers.
Be on your guard! -
Thanks all for your support and advice.
An update: I kicked them out. I was so triggered, I had enough. I didn’t resort to verbal abuse- I was just zero tolerance in listening to their manipulations.
The situation was worse than so thought: the friend was paying my lodger for staying in his room, whilst overstaying and paying me nothing.
For a while, I felt triggered, plus stupid. I had been duped again.
I must have been a bit scary though, as they scarpered the next day! I didn’t know I had it in me! Abuse changes us.
This latest episode has made me realise how I want to move in a year or so. I want to downsize and have a place just to call my own, with no lodgers. It’s like Russian roulette: you never know whether they can be trusted. I’m too long in the tooth for this game- I’ve been doing it too long!
Roll on the day when I can live in a tiny place with cats curled up on every armchair, and a peaceful little courtyard garden! That image is what is keeping me going!
I need to keep the house on here for a bit. But I am making plans in my head.
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Serenity those lodgers sound absolutely awful, I was reading that feeling very angry for you and am so glad you found your inner strength and gave them the boot, go Serenity! 😀
Gosh what a cheek to con you into letting a friend stay then basically illegally sublet to the friend. I think because we are good honest genuine people we tend to project those qualities onto others which tends to attract abusers as they see that trait in us and use it to manipulate us.
I know what you mean about boundaries, I think it’s very difficult because each abuser looks so different and they are usually very pleasant at first. The scariest I have met were both seemingly very innocent and childlike to begin with before their masks fell. I read somewhere that charm is usually a red flag, so if someone is coming across very charming then they are best avoided. I think genuinely good people are often a little awkward and quietish with new people at first as they get to know you, rather than smooth or charming, but I am in the same boat trying to figure out who is good and who is not with each new person I meet.
Your ideal place sounds like this little place I am moving to, I just need to buy the armchair! 🙂
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