Turning things round on me

[feelingnumb]

We had an argument the other day because I changed our plans so I have been accused of having other plans with someone else and that’s why I changed them. I had to walk away because I just feel like nothing I do is ever good enough. So of course because I have walked away and basically not acting like this scared little timid person who apologises for everything even though I have done nothing wrong. I am changing my behaviour and standing up for myself. Because of all this I am getting accused of cheating and being with someone else which just isn’t the case. I feel like he has pushed me away continuously, like he does some of these behaviours to push me away on purpose? Do they push people away on purpose and why would they do that? Because that’s what I feel like he is doing, and that nothing I ever do or say is good enough. He says it’s me that turns everything round on him and I don’t take responsibility for my actions. He says I’ve treated him like s**t and that it’s me who is pushing him away. The abuse I got was awful, horrific names accusing me of cheating saying he will expose me to everyone for what I am, that I’m nothing, that he will bury me. But I pushed him to say all that apparently? Constantly saying I don’t love him and I don’t show him love. I do love him, I don’t know why but I do. I want to block him but I know then he will just say see you don’t block someone you love. Does he know what he is doing? Is he acting this way to get rid of me? Cause I don’t know why he would want to be with me if I’m all these bad things he says I am.

[banks]

hi feelingnumb,

I think you are trauma bonded to him, it is not love. He is extremely abusive and do not ever believe anything that he says about you. I believe they do know what they are doing. Simply because you see them being abusive behind closed doors, whereas in front of other people they act nice. Hence, they understand what they do is wrong, yet they do it anyway. Do not feel sorry for him. He is trying to blame you, and going no contact in this case is not a sign of your lack of love for him, but a sign of your love for yourself. He is not trying to get rid of you, he is abusive and controlling and perhaps acting out because he feels like he is loosing control over you. I can assure you, even if you did everything he asks for, he would still act the same. Reading helps – cycle of the abuse, fear obligation and guilty, trauma bonds – have a look and things may become a little clearer!!

[feelingnumb]

Thankyou for your post it’s most comforting tonight. Again I’m feeling wracked with guilt and doubting myself. He says I’ve treated him like s**t and he’s not going to be my door mat anymore, giving me ultimatums, idle threats. My attitude has changed recently cause I just feel I can’t go on like this for much longer. I do love him, but I can’t be an verbal punchbag anymore. I do feel his behaviour has got worse the less control he has over me, if you loved me you’d be here if you loved me you wouldn’t change plans, if you loved me you wouldn’t treat me like s**t. I just need to stay strong. I’m finding it so hard though. Xx

[survivorandproud]

Hi feelingnumb, what you are describing is emotional abuse. Your partner is trying to manipulate you and control you. I understand it is difficult right now, but try and think from an outsider’s point of view. If you stay with this man it will just get worse, trust me. He puts you down as this makes you vulnerable in that moment, you will end up seeking his love and attention as you will have a low self-esteem. I also agree what you are describing is trauma bonding. My ex partner used to also say I never loved him, however, this would be an excellent excuse for his abuse, he abused me because ‘I did not love him’ or ‘I rejected him’. It is your journey and your choices, but think about what this man’s true intentions are, an abuser will always abuse, it does not matter what we do. We only have one life to live, put yourself first and be strong. Good luck x

[Author]

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