TV programmes

[Dragonfly]

As some of you might know I’ve been with two abusive men. It’s just me and my son now ☺ I stopped watching TV a couple of years ago, don’t know why, however I’ve started to watch again but find I’m always watching documentaries about abusers,psychopaths. It’s like I’m trying to make sense of what goes on in their head. I keep thinking this or that programme will give me the answer. They never do.

I just need to understand why they do it. Slowly beginning to realise though I’ll never understand it because it’s a choice they make.

I understand couples have arguments and I disagreements but I don’t get why they have to attack us physically and verbally. Maybe I’ll never understand it. It seems some are just evil. There’s no sense in it.

Am I right?

[Relieved]

Hi Dragonfly, have you done the Freedom programme or read Living With The Dominator by Pat Craven as these give you some understanding of why they do it. Have a look at http://www.freedomprogramme.co.uk

I also did a course with my local DV service called The Recovery Toolkit which has helped no end to get an understanding of what happened to me x

[KIP.]

I think they are just wired completely differently. They lack empathy and have an ability to justify their actions by blaming others and this is how they work. Its hard because i think we judge others by our own moral standards and these men have zero moral standards. I wasted way too much time trying to wotk it out. Time that would have been better spent on my own healing. I once read something that stuck with me. “Life becomes so much easier when we learn to accept the apology we never got”. Try spending today on yourself. Think about what makes you happy now. Try to do something nice for yourself. Read about self healing, good diet, hydration, exercise, nature, flowers, colouring in books for relaxation etc. Time to focus on yourself x

[Dragonfly]

Relieved – I’ll look at those thanks and KIP – the sun’s out today, think I might go to the botanic gardens.

I’m not at work this week. There’s actually a lot of constructive stuff I could be doing so I just need to do it ☺

[SunshineRainflower]

Hi Dragonfly,

It makes total sense that you are watching these programmes to try to understand your experience, I have done to same but like you don’t ever find tv very helpful. It’s the junk food of learning, mostly filler and you end up feeling rubbish afterwards. I have been finding reading helpful though, the books I have read on the topic make me feel validated, understood and explain his behaviour to me. I’ve just finished a good book called Psychopath free. I felt so validated because it described my ex to a tee (whereas if I say to anyone I know that my ex was a psychopath they look at me like I’m crazy and go quiet and it’s the end of the conversation!). It also has a positive tone about healing and moving forward. These men lack the normal range of human emotions and as Kip said when we meet them we don’t realise this and we project our own normal human conscience onto them. They know this and use it to manipulate us. I’ve found it very helpful learning through books about psychopathy and domestic abuse to understand why they are why they are and how to spot one if we meet one again and run for the hills.

I’m just starting another book called The Betrayal Bond about abusive relationships, I’m finding it excellent so far. I also watch youtube videos daily created by abuse survivors who now help others, I find them invaluable, like having an immediate friend on hand who understands completely and has experienced the same.

Like Kip said, after a while when we heal we start to turn our attention towards ourselves, so we can move forwards and build a new life, once we have understood what we need to about these men.

[Author]

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