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    • #129215

      What do I do if I have two abusive parents?

      I have a sister, who is my mum’s favourite.
      Me and my sister used to live in a family house together on our own until she met her boyfriend and moved out.
      Later, she would often bring her bf into the house without telling me and let him have the keys to freely come in, and I found myself living with a man I don’t really know.
      She is very manipulative and controlling since childhood and this carried on to adulthood.

      My parents who lived abroad, are very argumentative towards each other and decided to live apart a few years ago.

      After my sister gave birth she decided to move to my mum’s place who could help looking after her baby.
      My relationship with my mum starts to go downhill from there.

      When I visited my mum later (detail removed by Moderator), my mum would start giving me strange looks, being very mean and when I tried to join their conversations, they would end the talks abruptly and resumed their talks once I left.
      And this happens on a daily basis. No real interactions with them whatsoever.

      I asked mother for the reason, apparently, my sister has been telling her lots of stories.
      And now my mother calls me a liar whenever we have different opinions.
      Things so trivial such as mother asked “what colour was the hairband on the table yesterday”. I answered ‘pinkish’, sis answered ‘red’. And my mother would immediately turned to me and called me a liar.
      This is an everyday occurrence and mother refused to listen to me, no matter how hard I tried to improve the relationship.

      Meanwhile, dad is lonely living on his own and wants to move back with mum who isn’t too keen.
      When he learnt from the sis that mum is having issues with me, he then starts calling mum and starts talking badly about me.
      This led to the start of my parents reconciliation.
      I was happy for them, as I was still in the dark about what’s going on.

      As ironic as it is, dad is also trying to keep a relationship with me as he is old and wants someone to look after him.
      I later found out, whenever he calls me, he would also call mum afterwards and tell her made-up stories with details from the questions he asked me and told mum I was talking badly about her and he is only telling her because he is on her side and wants mum to keep it as a secret from me.
      I was in the dark for quite some time and only found out until one day mum went berserk and called me a liar.
      I was in shock and didn’t know what was going on, and I was then too scarred to pick up any calls from dad.

      I was left all on my own with no one to turn to and no one in this family is on my side, all for different reasons.

      And then COVID hit.
      We were in lock down and I couldn’t find a flight to leave.

      I was living with mum and my sister under those circumstances for (detail removed by Moderator).
      The names they called me everyday, the looks they gave me. They were in their small group away from me.
      They would keep all family news from me and keep me in the dark about everything, they would laugh and talk and turned poker face once I appeared, they would do their online shopping together like mother and daughter, without me.
      I could hear them laughing in the living room and I’m in my room.

      No matter how hard I tried to talk to them, eventually I gave up.
      I hid in my room for those few months, being too scarred to see them in the house, I would wake up so early to use the kitchen and stayed in my room for the rest of the day.

      I would try every now and then to talk to my mum but the hatred in her eyes was just unbearable.

      The only time of the day when we would have little contact was sometimes my mum would cook something for lunch and would leave a portion for me.
      Although I had already lost my appetite but that was the only chance I got to have some time with mum.
      Just when I thought there was a bit of hope, I then heard her say she is being too good of a person to feed someone like me.

      The words mum used on me, the attitudes she gave me, she closed her ears to whatever I have to say.
      My depressing got so bad, the constant thinking of what went wrong, the loneliness of no one to turn to.
      I thought childhood was bad but this is another level.

      My parents are now in their (detail removed by Moderator).
      I know if I stopped any contacts with them, I would have regrets in the future as they are getting old.
      However, to keep in contact with mum and have no real conversations and often just to hear her call me names really is just too much for me too take.
      And with dad, we were never close due to his bad temper but now I’m just too scarred to talk to him as I don’t know what stories he is going to made up to tell mum, just so he could hold some kind of a conversation with her.

      Regarding my sister, my mum calls her an angel and the nicest person she knows. And if my sister says I’m a bad person then that must be true.

      With my sister’s request, they have now kept a lot of secrets away from me, I don’t know any news in the family.
      Even if I asked, they won’t tell me.

      I’m torn and don’t know what to do.

    • #129216

      Get as far away from them all as possible. Build your own life and keep them at a huge distance. They sound like nasty bullies. You’ve tried talking and they’re not interested. You will probably find when you don’t contact them, they will try to reel you back in. Your own mental health comes first.

    • #129218
      ladiesand gentlemen

      Not an expert on this (Just a Mum)
      Pull away from them, look after yourself, gather your thoughts, lick your wounds, they may well realise over time what they are doing is horrific and cruel !!!!
      Do you have anyone you could confide in ? other relatives/friends ? someone you can trust ? Maybe your GP ?
      PLEASE dont worry about them getting older(they should know better at their age) they have ages yet to take a look in the mirror at themselves.
      Sometimes we have to cut off contact, some people are too toxic to continue with !!!
      I cannot imagine how painful this is for you, try to hold your head high, THEY are at fault here not you, and at the end of the day they are losing out on a wonderful sensitive person like you.
      I have myself removed toxic people out of my life, and with time the pain does lessen and your self esteem WILL get stronger.
      YOU are NOT a bad person, that’s their way of being as spiteful as possible.
      Try to get on with your life as best as you can, reach out to anyone you trust and the ladies on here are ALL warriors
      Take it easy, stay safe.x*x

    • #129281

      Happypositivealways having an abusive family causes havoc with you self esteem because it teaches us how we are to be treated so I had to try and unlearn everything I’ve been taught , both my parents were abusive also dad had brain chemistry disorder mam was narcissistic and sister exactly the same as her so I really feel for you if you’ve been given the unwanted label of family scapegoat, have a little look at YouTube’s the narcissistic family cult, the abuse in our family is generational but it stops with me , my thoughts are with you 💛💗🧡💚

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