Uncertain

[Snowdrift]

Hi. I’m new here. I’ve been with my husband (detail removed by moderator) He has always been a little different which is what attracted me to him. One night,(detail removed by moderator) he was drunk and we had a disagreement and he chased me round the bedroom locking the door and terrifying the life out of me. I chalked it up to a one off because of the alcohol. Over the years it was apparent he had anger issues. (detail removed by moderator)

If we disagree, he HAS to be right. He forces his opinion on me and and will never agree to disagree. He has been violent with me – bruises on arms and legs where he picks me up of slaps me. He has never needed to isolate me because I have no friends and family live (detail removed by Moderator) miles away. I am bad with money because I have some mental health issues and I have debt. I’ve asked for help (not financial but help understanding it and trying to pay it down) but he refuses and it makes me wonder if he likes the fact I’m in debt because it limits my choices.

(detail removed by Moderator) was the last straw, he grabbed me by the throat and then picked me up trying to throw me out the front door of our house. He told me I wouldn’t get a penny from him. He called me names (which is common when disagreeing and is usually w***e or stupid b***h) and gets right in my face shouting at me. (detail removed by moderator) I felt relief and freedom. However, after a while I felt pulled back in. He agreed couples psychology sessions but I think they only served to enforce his opinion that it isn’t his fault it’s his (detail removed by moderator) I moved back in in (detail removed by moderator) All was ago while doing (detail removed by Moderator) weeks of therapy.

Now I feel the same as (detail removed by Moderator). I’m always walking on egg shells because I don’t know what triggers the disagreements and his anger. He blames me for not understanding that he has anger issues. I am scared of him – we have 1 cat and 2 dogs and they run for cover when he shouts which says a lot! He often denies saying hurtful things or even slapping me or puking me about. He makes me question my sanity frequently. I am doing this now.

Bottom line is I don’t feel safe and I don’t know how to end the relationship. I missed him while I was gone and he was good to me then and was sweet and caring. Now I am scared of his mood swings and just don’t feel I can be myself.

I started (detail removed by moderator) couple of weeks ago to get me out the house and he wanted to come with me. He said he would twice but I managed to put him off. I have a friend who lives by my parents and if I see her he is sullen when I return home. He has now suggested we do (detail removed by Moderator) which is something I asked to do a few years ago and he didn’t want to. I’m questioning this as not a kind act of wanting to do something with his wife but trying to control the situation – perhaps he feels a shift again?

The reason I am writing this is because he often says I’m sensitive or stupid. He apologizes sometimes and during therapy he said his anger was from fear. I do hate that he took the couples therapy but refuses to do any individual therapy for his anger. He tells me he tries but that I ‘go on and on’ and so push his buttons. I don’t see it like this – when he explodes I have no idea and so to try and fix it I want to know what happened and this is what he calls me going on and on about.

Anyway, perhaps I’m looking for perspective. I can’t stand that I might be with someone who is abusive; he denies he is abusive. I don’t know how I would afford to move out now either. Every day I feel miserable.
Thanks for listening.

[Wants To Help]

Hi snowdrift,

I’m glad you have found this forum, one thing is for sure, you no longer need to be uncertain. All of us here will confirm that this absolutely is abuse. That may be hard for you to accept, but you need to face this is the truth of your relationship; you are with an abusive man who is violent to you, emotionally and psychologically cruel to you and whose intention is to keep you with him by isolating you from anyone who you could turn to for support and keep you financially broke so you can’t leave him and be independent.

Couples therapy never works when we are in relationships with abusive men. Abusive men will NEVER admit they are abusive men and put the blame of their behaviour on us. We are forever left wondering what on earth we’ve done wrong to upset them when the truth is we haven’t done anything at all, they just want to abuse us and they make something up to ‘justify’ it. You will probably find that any MH problems you are suffering with will improve when you are away from him, but they’ll only get worse if you stay with him. If he blames the alcohol and he has an issue with alcohol what’s he doing about it? If the answer is ‘nothing’ then that tells you a lot. It means he doesn’t want to accept any responsibility for his behaviour, sees nothing wrong with it and can continue to blame you for it. Anyway, alcohol isn’t an excuse for abuse, it’s just abusers who think it is!

You can’t fix him, no matter how hard you try, so please stop trying to fix him and work on how you are going to get yourself out of this relationship, because that’s what you need to do. We can’t give you advice to help you stay in it – not long term anyway. We can give advice how to protect yourself in the short term while seeking help and plans to leave with a safe exit strategy, but there is no advice at all that will help you to make this relationship work and the abuse to stop.

Your first step is to try and talk to your local Domestic Abuse Service in your area when you have some safe, free time to do so. Google them and give them a call, or try the online chat on this site. Be prepared you may not get through straight away. Having someone validate what you are going through is often a huge relief, it helps you realise that you’re not going mad or imagining it after all, there is a name for this behaviour and it is absolutely recognised as being wrong and a crime.

Stay with us on this forum and hopefully we will help you get out and to a safe place and a life of peace.

xx

[Snowdrift]

Thank you for your time when replying.

I have now read a little about cognitive dissonance and I have been treated for this previously (for other issues from childhood). I do find it hard to marry up how he is when he’s nice versus the angry person he turns into. The other day, what made me think twice, was that when he is at work he has never shouted obscenities at his boss or slapped and pulled about his assistant. So this makes me think that proves he does have control.

My biggest concern is that I will leave and go back again because the grief became unbearable (detail removed by Moderator) and on came the rose tinted glasses. How do I stop myself from grieving so badly?

[Author]

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