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I am living in the small (detail removed by Moderator) I grew up in while I recover. Normally the bush telegraph is pretty good at spreading information. But the fact I am single again doesn’t seem to have spread. Lovely well meaning people keep asking about my wedding plans. And I keep having to tell them I broke off the engagement. I don’t know how I deal with this. They feel bad for not knowing. And I feel bad explaining that yes, he did seem lovely but he wasn’t. The man who asked today has a newlywed daughter who is several years younger than me and has recently had her first baby. I felt like such a failure. I don’t resent her good fortune, but I am still pining for that lost future as it is where I imagined myself in a year or two’s time. I don’t know how that will fit into my future now.
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Ah Tiffany, it must be incredibly difficult. Sending you a big hug. How awful having to deal with telling people about the broken engagement, all the while not being able to say why. I really feel for you.
I can really relate as we’ve been having hordes of couples with children trawl through our house as it is on the market. I literally feel horrified seeing some of them as they look several years younger than me yet can somehow afford this nice house in a nice area when I can barely afford to rent a tiny flat. On top of that they’ve been lucky enough to find a good man and have kids, ugh! I hate feeling envious but boy is it difficult being surrounded by all these people after what we’ve been through – newly single, less financially secure than couples due to single income, no kids due to idiot abusive exes and not being able to tell anyone why we are single again!
It really sucks. The good thing is eventually people will stop asking as word will travel. There may well be a nice local gentleman who hears the news and thinks ‘Tiffany, single again? Now is my chance!’ 🙂 Not that you need a man, but you never know what the future holds. I saw a nice film which had a theme similar to yours starring Sandra Bullock, in fact I think there are several similar films as it happens more often than we think.
I think there are a lot of people in our position, it’s just society doesn’t talk about it much and couples with babies are celebrated as ‘the successful ones’ leaving us feel like failures despite the fact that it was all pretty much completely out of our control. Also, it’s hard now but just think how good it is that you had a lucky escape. Have you got some local friends you can socialise with to build up your life again?
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Also isn’t it funny how we sound like we are living in Jane Austen’s time, I was thinking about this lately how in many ways things haven’t changed a huge amount for women – we are still judged mostly on our looks, youth and whether we have a man and children or not. It’s rubbish. I’m not sure it will ever change but it’s good to know there are many of us out there in a similar situation struggling, both trapped with abusers or newly single and wondering what the future holds. xx
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Unfortunately with it being a rural area most of my peers left to find work. Those who have returned mostly have small kids. I’m going to try and make an effort to meet up with them though. At the moment the average age of the people I am spending time with is about 60, which is fine, but I probably need to widen my social circle a bit.
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Actually I have quite a few friends in their 30’s through to their 60’s who are successful and childless. Many of them are also happily single. The reason it feels like a failure was that when I got engaged I set out to get married and have kids. I’m glad I didn’t and it is totally his fault, but still, I was aiming for married with kids, and I had a job I loved. I am now single and unemployed. It is better than being abused and facing homelessness, the two things that lead me to this situation, but it doesn’t look like winning to the outside world…
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You had a lucky escape.
Imagine what would have happened if you had married him. Divorcing (detail removed by Moderator)…is the worst nightmare.
See the positive side of your escape.
Re educate yourself about patriarchy and how women are programmed to become the slaves of men. From birth we are brainwashed that marriage and child birth are the ultimate goals of every woman.
These are not goals.
Be proud of yourself that you escaped.
Look into education, adventurous jobs, enjoying life, … -
I am very glad I escaped him! The scary thing is that I am highly educated, was brought up in a pretty feminist household and was aware of all the negative impacts of the patriarchy. Doesn’t stop you getting sucked it. I’ll be more wary now I know how about gas lighting. I was naive in thinking that he wouldn’t lie outright about factual events and thought I was going mad – given that I have a health problem which affects my memory it was possible – although I now know it was exacerbated by the abuse. This doesn’t stop me wanting kids, but I can fortunately put that off for a few years.
I am looking forward to adventures though. So much easier without an abuser hanging round your neck like a mill stone.
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Hi Tiffany,
I can relate to how you feel very, very well…
The ex I am considering reporting now, seemed everything I had ever hoped for when I met him. But when he asked me to marry him (on top of the most beautiful (detail removed by Moderator) and with the most beautiful ring) and I said “yes”, my body soon started to give signals something was ‘off’. I felt as if the world was disappearing under my feet, which is not how I had hoped to feel after finally getting engaged at age (detail removed by Moderator). I was so angry with myself for not being able to feel happy, but now – (detail removed by Moderator) years on – I can see that my reaction wasn’t that strange. As less than (detail removed by Moderator) weeks before the proposal, he had treated me really, really badly and I even considered leaving him then.
Whether the proposal came out of fear of losing me, I don’t know. It could be. But something as serious as asking someone to be your lifelong partner, should come from a place of happiness and respect, I think.
Unfortunately, I can’t take away the pain you’re feeling, just know that you are not a failure. Please, tell yourself that day after day!
I felt (and still feel) like a failure too at age (detail removed by Moderator). Even thinking it’s been my own fault, that if only I had communicated better and helped him out more in his business, his behaviour would have changed and everything would have turned out differently… things like that.
Please make sure you don’t end up similarly… Life really is too beautiful for that (also in a rural area!) and by feeling bad about yourself, you’re basically letting your bad experiences continue and affect your future. Which is a pity, as it might hold something extremely good!
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