Unexpected feelings

[Neverthoughtitwouldbeme]

The way I feel right now is so unexpected and I’m not sure how to deal with it.

I absolutely love this time of year, it is most definitely my favourite! However, recently I have felt this overwhelming anxiety and fear. I feel like it’s to do with when I was with him. Around this time of year I would have so much to worry about and I feel like I am reliving it even though I know I’m safe.

I would always worry about all the social events he would go to and come home from… drunk and angry.

I would wait at home ridden with anxiety unable to sleep and waiting to hear my phone or the door.

It truly was awful as it was like I was waiting for him to come home to see what mood he was in. Would we fall asleep together or would he attack me? Would I be driving round in the early hours of the morning with nowhere to go?

Arguments with him over his mum and how she would always act up around this time of year, make me feel bad for not wanting to go to everything she demanded I go to. Stress over bills and buying presents as I would do it all on my own. He never contributed a penny.

I am safe now and I know that but I can’t help but feel this way. I haven’t been out of it too long I guess and I think I am only now truly coming to terms with the fact that I was in an abusive relationship and I guess with that comes a lot of emotion.

I am going to try my best to enjoy my favourite time of the year and ride out my emotions.

Felt like I had to share this with you in case anyone is feeling the same.

Sending love always xx

[Darcy]

Hi beautiful Angel,
I think it is really natural for you to be having the feelings you are having
There are lots of things that will trigger memories and feelings… good or bad
I think it is important that you acknowledge these feelings because at one time they were part of you, but once you have it is time to let go of this part of you so you can welcome in a brand new improved you!
If it helps you could do a little releasing ritual… write down what you are letting go of.. and not just him, but also that part of you that you were when you were with him. Then you could burn the paper or burry it. Another way could be to visualise the separation of then and now … whatever feels right for you.
Then the fun part… start to make some new fun memories for this time of year. That could be with friends or family or autumn walks or getting cosy at home with some nice food and a lite candle. You could also start to ‘plant some seeds’ for the months to come.. a vision board or journal with things you would like to achieve by a certain date.
You cant erase what you have been through but you don’t have to hold onto it any longer or let it define you… this is your time to move forward and be truly authentically you
Have fun making your new memories my darling
Sending you continued love and support
Darcy xx

[Lisa]

Hi Neverthoughtitwouldbeme,

I’m very sorry to hear that you are having problems coming to terms with the aftermath of your abusive relationship. You are not alone in this. Many women who have experienced abuse struggle with “getting back to normal”. Sometimes the memory of what you endured and the difficulties of starting a new life can make you feel as if you are not healing. It all takes time and people around you may have to accept this. We all deal with things in different ways and this healing process can take time.

As Darcy expressed; feeling this way is understandable and to allow for these feeling to happen. Be kind to yourself and know you are doing well for leaving and starting anew.

The Freedom Programme is an 11 or 12 week rolling programme which provides information about male violence to women. This programme identifies the tactics abusers use, the beliefs held by abusers, and the effects that domestic abuse can have on women and children. The Freedom Programme is for women who have experience of domestic abuse, be it in their personal or professional lives. You can start the programme at any time, and you can attend as many or as few sessions as you choose. Each session is entirely confidential, and you can contribute as much, or as little, of your own thoughts and experiences as you like. Many women find this a very useful support group as it is available to women whether they are experiencing current or past abuse. The Freedom Programme is run in many locations across the UK.

You could try calling Supportline who offer confidential emotional support to reach people before they get to “crisis” point. They offer support by telephone, email and post. They work with callers to develop healthy, positive coping strategies, an inner feeling of strength and increased self-esteem to encourage healing, recovery and moving forward with life. They also keep details of counsellors, agencies and support groups throughout the UK. They cover a wide range of issues, including domestic abuse. They can also refer locally. You can contact them on 01708 765200.

Also, do keep posting here, where you can be assured and validated by other women who understand what you are going through. You are not alone.

Take good care and all the best,

Lisa

[Bee1]

Bless Lisa and Darcy, Angels 💓🤗 hugs

Time can’t be rushed and the scribbles that this leaves in our minds won’t always feel this messy. Time will distance you from the past and you can enjoy this time of year for different reasons, your own reasons. I have had to learn this myself too. I now love a very very quiet life on my own,I don’t have any support around me, so it has been an intense learning curve, but a learning I had to do by myself. Focus on you, for you. 🙏🏼
It gets easier 💓

[Eggshells]

Hi Neverthoughtitwouldbeme

I’m so sorry to hearctgat you’re feeling like this.

Being out, especially in the early days can be a but if a roller coaster.

It can really help if you are able to develop coping strategies. Darcy has given you some really lovely ideas which I might purloin myself. 🙂

Understanding what it is that’s making you anxious is a really good step towards defeating those anxieties. Perhaps even writing them down and affirming, one by one, that those issues are not part of your life anymore and you never have to worry about them again.

Developing a mindful practise can take some work but it can really help smooth the path that you are on. Insight Timer is an excellent, free app with thousands of narrated meditations to help me mindfulness easier.

I agree with you, this is a beautiful time of the year. The crispness off the air, the autumn smell, the beauty of the changing colours of the trees, the crunch of leaves under foot, neighbours fireworks decorating the sky, cute little children dressed as pumpkins and witches, wide eyed with excitement as they plunge their hands into a tub of sweets, the gradual appearance of pretty lights adorning trees. So much to enjoy and look forward too.

Fill your senses with it all and let it help to settle you. Revel in your enjoyment of it all without having all the old issues to spoil it for you. xx

[iliketea]

Sending love and strength, I know exactly what you mean. I watched the first episode of that Maid series last night, and had to switch off at the screaming in her face and punching the wall bit, then had some very vivid and frightening nightmares. It sounds like you know where you are and why its happening. Have you had any trauma counselling? Its hard to get but a good place to go would be your local DA support service, or as others have said try the Freedom programme. But in terms of getting your favourite time of year back for you, how about making new memories just for you. Go somewhere new, visit a local arboretum, take photos of all the different types of leaves and colours, collect them, and depending what you’re in to, make a collage/picture out of them. Maybe at the front of a new journal, for your new life, and have it as a beautiful reminder of new beginnings. Its not easy, stay strong, smell the woodsmoke, kick the leaves, cry alone on a wooded walk, this is going to sound crazy, hug a tree when no-one is looking!! I did it the other day, feels SO good!! xx

[iliketea]

Just thought of another things that is really joyful and exciting to do…BULBS, there are loads of good offers at the moment online (Suttons are good) – buy a huge bag of your favourite colours and get planting. If you don’t have your own garden noone minds these days planting in parks or other open spaces, community gardening is ok to do, its for everyone, everyone appreciates it. So find some places that you like to walk and plant a few bulbs along the way, it will get you out in the depths of winter to see if they are coming up. Do crocuses and snowdrops for early tips peeking through the snow, and then happy smiling bobbing daffodils that are spring all over and exuberant tulips for the promise of the summer to come. xx

[Neverthoughtitwouldbeme]

I am beyond grateful for all of your replies. How lovely you all are and how amazing is it that we are all here for each other.

Thank you so much for all of your suggestions and taking the time to read my post and reply.

I will certainly be taking a lot of them up and doing my best to make new memories and work on myself.

I had 1 year of counselling prior to and at the time of leaving but didn’t want to become dependent but I think I will make an appointment.

Thank you so much. Sending all the love in the world to you special ladies xx

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