Unread texts

[Bridget Jones Is Free]

When I was at the refuge I received quite a number of texts from my husband, I read only a few and there are lots of them I still have on my mobile which I would love to read to realise the momentum of this emotional manipulation he tried to put me through.
I have seen the cycle from start to finish, from the desperate replies as he found out I was gone to the pleas to come back, to the statements of how I was making everyone feel (bad of course), to threats, to despair again as the weeks went by, to the questions he asked about my safety knowing there were substance users in the refuge, to a complete turn around saying to me I should not come back because…
I also have texts dating to the weeks during which social services started getting involved, I have mails and letters he wrote to try and say sorry but he recently admitted he only sent a particular one to try and get me ”back in”, he used a different expression but it was a horrendous one making me realise the lies he spoke. Manipulation, pure and simple.
I have never fallen for any of it but the doubt these messages created is extremely hurtful and confusing and destabilizing. That’s why I only read a fraction of them. I wonder if I could cause myself more harm by reading them all and by analyzing the development of his manipulation and coercion.
And then there are also memories of the rare meetings that took place between him and me while I stayed at the refuge. I remember one particular one where he questioned my faithfulness, his tears of crocodile quickly drying up as I did x to watch his reaction. It was ridiculous.
That’s when I realised I was not dealing with someone with normal feelings. I have never behaved the way he did/does. Ever!

[lover of no contact]

Don’t read his texts Bridget. His words are poison. He will get into your head. What you don’t know won’t hurt you.

Also your children’s fear of him is as great as their love for you. He is influencing them against you. That’s why they are being disrespectful at the moment.

My children’s attitude to me changed for the better when I managed to get out of my abusive relationship. Nothing I could have done other than that would have stopped their negative attitudes towards me, no amount of explaining, pleading, sanctioning them etc. I had to kill my abusive relationship stone dead by going No Contact with him before relations with my children could improve.

Remember we are dealing with very sick personalities (our abusers) who will stoop to anything to destroy our peace of mind and relationships.

[Bridget Jones Is Free]

HI lover of no contact,
I understand what you say to me, I have just had another horrendous time with one of my children and I even had some money taken without permission, that child knows the father won’t say a word against the terrible action. It is not a huge amount but there was no question asked before the money was taken and used, only a terrible cheap excuse as to the fact the money was needed.
I find this heart breaking after the years I spent trying to teach my kids the right values.
I am having lots of things coming back tonight in my mind and I am beginning to feel the effect, the real effect all this abuse has had on us all, especially my children and I feel so bad tonight seeing how they all react.
Maybe you are right and I will regain respect when I am divorced, no one in my house talks properly or calmly or respectfully. I gave my child a text to explain certain things and even the answer is horrendous. It also shows a certain despair at the situation which I need to put an end to for their sake.
I rang the helpline and wanted to talk but only asked the question about finding a support group, there is none in my area. I asked also about a solicitor trained in domestic abuse. I need to get the ball rolling but for now I need to make my husband think things are ok. He is playing mind games and using the kids indeed, I am sure he is telling them inappropriate things they should not hear. I have that gut instinct he does, he is so wrong and devious and manipulative.

When you speak about sick personalities, it is amazing to think how long I lived with him without fully realising what was happening, and even when the police helped me realise it was domestic abuse and they got my local domestic abuse association to ring me, I still didn’t react as per say. I still don’t fully feel reactive enough to put an end to it all once and for all.

But somehow the message is sinking in, I rang the helpline, and I had an answer from Lisa to one of my posts, Lisa’s message made sense, my torpor is diminishing, the awakening is rising. I remember more and more things I lived and wonder why it didn’t click to make me react and take the right action. I yoyo from wanting to divorce to finding reasons to stay. I have to stop. I feel stupid for not reacting earlier, and going on and on about my feelings, writing posts that I find crazy and dumb.

These men have indeed sick personalities, my husband is proving very quickly how sick his really is. His latest text is just another proof. It is psychological coercion to make me submit into being such a submissive wife…it is clear now.

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