- This topic has 25 replies, 8 voices, and was last updated 5 years, 6 months ago by
.
-
Posts
-
-
Had an intense therapy session this week. I have ptsd and currently feeling so depressed and feel like I have run out of coping strategies. We began talking about my relationship with my dad, he died when I was young, he had drink issues and got killed in a (Detail removed by Moderator) accident. Therapist thinks this may link to my tendency to like bad boys and stay in an abusive relationship for so long. With a man who had drink and drug issues and took high risks all the time.
Has anyone else had ‘dad’ issues and think this may have impacted on their relationship choices? I have never thought of it in this way before, it’s like the grief has hit me like a tidal wave and I don’t know how to stay afloat this time. -
This is a difficult one. What strikes me is “relationship choices”. That implies we had some responsibility when it came to having an abusive partner. It’s almost excusing his behaviour. These men choose to behave that way and I don’t think it matters the relationships we have had in the past when it comes to blame. The blame for abuse is one hundred percent on the shoulders of the abuser. We don’t choose them. They choose us. Or rather they prey on us x
-
-
Yes she is, I don’t think she is blaming me. She wants to help me understand. Perhaps it comes across like that because I blame myself. I have recently started risky behaviour again with men and she said sometimes you can get hooked on the excitement etc. I seem to be in a pattern of behaviour, nice guys bore me.
My ex definitely used my dad’s death in a disturbing way to continue my trauma. So he did it much worse than any of the others. But I want to break this cycle. -
Hello,
I can relate. My biological father had a drink problem/alcoholic/chose drinking over me and my sister after my Mum left him when I was (Detail removed by Moderator). We never had a relationship with him again. I was always sad and affected by this but had a good childhood with my (step)Dad and consider myself well balanced and relatively okay. However. My first long term boyfriend drank took drugs cheated on me and was violent. And my husband it now turns out was abusive, also drinks, takes drugs etc. He also threw the things I’d confided in him about my Dad back in my face and used it all against me etc. Now says things like “I should’ve expected this from someone from a broken family like yours” etc. All things he knows have affected me and knew it was something I really didn’t want for me and our children but here we are. My biological father passed away (Detail removed by Moderator) after I left my husband earlier this year. It was very difficult as it was my husband who I talked to about him over the years and then I didn’t have him there anymore.
And now. My husband has currently done another disappearing act, drinking and goodness knows what, not seeing our children. History repeats itself. So I can definitely relate and I think my therapist thinks the same too. I’m sure we’ll get to the point of delving into it deeper.
Hugs xx
-
This is a slippery road to go down to.
Because it mixes abuse and your choices.
It has to stay very clear in both your minds ( therapist and you) that the abuse lies entirely with your abuser.
Why you seek excitement in relationships is another story. You can get the adrenaline kicks in safer ways like with extreme sports for example.
In any case keep the two subjects separated. -
I think perhaps you are craving what is/has been ‘normal’ to you? I haven’t dated seriously for several years. Because in the beginning I could feel myself being pulled in entirely the wrong direction, I was very vulnerable, and still probably am. As human beings we crave normalcy even if it’s dysfunctional violent dangerous behaviours. You can break that cycle by spending time working on yourself. Be your won best friend and your own partner until you recover. I once read an article about how some abuse victims are drawn to an even bigger alpha male abuser as they feel it’s a form of protection. I can relate to this too. I would have probably jumped at the chance of dating a thug just for some protection and peace of mind. I was so scared of my ex. That’s how messed up my head was x
-
I think learning to keep yourself safe isone thing and recognising your own needs and potential addictions, none of it ever excuses the abuser.
I think the way you have described it does come across a bit like blaming you, which is why I can understand the responses here that none of it is your fault.
It’s really important with trauma fr the counsellor to be very clear about his behaviour being wrong, and resulted in your reactions to it. Being terrified day in and day out becomes a way of life, that’snot your fault, but leading a quieter, seemingly dull life by comparison is a massive adjustment.
War journalists find it easier to stay in the war zones than keep moving in and out of them because it somehow lessens the impact of the shock of it all. It’s a natural defence mechanism.
Warmest wishes ts
-
There aren’t any stats that I’ve heard of saying that it’s the reason you get abused, your childhood I mean.
Women who havent had childhood abuse isues get abused as adults, so what the hell do therapdta do with them then?
The split between the two groups is pretty even, s how does a counsellor deal with that.
I dont think it’s right to have the impression to have been given, you cannot make your partner abuse you if he’s not abusive, its a very deeply entrenched psyche that is about power and control.
It happens gradually, and I’m really tired of this not being made strikingly clear when women receive trauma therapy as it can be extremely triggering for a woman who has spent a terrifying dynamic being blamed. It can blow you apart and just continue the abuse.
Many say they have dv training, but adopt a blaming approach.
Something like freedom programme makes all the tactics abundantly clear, they do it be used your are a woman and you can’t be blamed for that. Has your counsellor done the freedom programme to really know the dominators mind and attitude/belief system. They hate women and women get systematically brain-washed.
Many have gone on to have good relationships. It’s just bad luck for any that meet one of them. You don’t know or understand their intent at first, assuming it to be good.
Warmest wishes ts
-
-
Dear Alice in wonderland
II just read your post again, and no wonder you are feeling depressed and like you have run out of coping strategies.
I believe you would benefit from a different therapist. At least take your time, have a break, keep posting here and getting validation. It is just more blaming and abuse, no wonder you ended up feeling that way.
I think many who claim to be dv trained have this approach. Shocking.
Gosh if only the women would stop making men beat them, manipulate and gaslight them!! Turning all these men abusive, I dont know!
[sarcastic obvs]Keep posting, we’re all here for you and we do ‘get it’. Please don’t feel depressed about her attitude to it. Hugs
Warmest wishes ts
-
Thank you so much for the responses ladies I think coming out of it I felt so worthless and so stupid and it is nice to hear that it is not my fault. He was so charming, nice and laid back with friends and family they all struggled to believe he did those things on purpose. But processing it in hindsight I think he did, because he was so Jekyll and Hyde about it.
I was going to go to a women’s aid contact centre for advice but have only had private counselling so far. There is still so much ahead. I agree I am best on my own for now but it’s hard x*x -
-
I have PTSD too, according to my counsellor and I’m inclined to agree. I’m struggling to process and come to terms with it too and really accept it as mine is was so nice and charming and laid back etc too to everyone, he never did the things I left him over in front of people and denies and minimises it now, shifts all the blame onto me so I’m finding it difficult to truly accept it too although I know I’m better without him, he was dragging me down and subtley isolating me but I barely recognised it.
It’s really hard to accept.
Xx
-
It was one of the hardest things in all this mess and beyond devastating to be abused by someone you love and thought loved you in return. That breach of trust is so soul destroying but you will get past it. You will become stronger and wiser. Eventually you will feel relief that he didn’t take all your life energy. Some women spend a lifetime in an abusive relationship. At least I got to start again. You won’t feel like this just now but you will one day soon x
-
Hi Aliceinwonderland,
I can relate to this. Part of my journey has been figuring out why I didn’t see the psychological abuse with my ex. It dawned on me that it was because it was my normal from within my family. My brother has always mocked me, put me down, criticised me and made fun of me but then switches to charming best friend brother mode so for years I craved his approval. He also cheats on all his girlfriends and is an alcoholic.
My dad is sleazy, will never accept blame for anything and is very practiced in using facial expressions to mock, challenge or act disdainfully towards me. And my mum lies a lot, is v controlling, treats me like a child and I think has always tried to hinder my independence. In short I believe it’s a n********c family unit which I am only just barely coming to terms with – another trauma.
Not everyone who experiences domestic abuse comes from an abusive family but there is a well known correlation between an unavailable parent and choosing unhealthy partners. It’s not about blaming the survivor, its about working out your own particular pattern so that you can change it although I understand with some therapists it can turn into a blaming vibe (I’m struggling with this myself as I am not too keen on my therapist but holding out a few more sessions to decide). I have a history of only dating men who act like my family. It has never been a conscious choice, to me they just seemed normal and attractive and exciting/masculine. Like you I find actually healthy normal men boring. I only worked out this connection last year.
I’m working with a therapist too and hope to heal and start being attracted to good men. Human psychology is v complicated. I personally think it’s worth continuing to work with your current therapist to see what she suggests about breaking the pattern.
-
I think meta analysis has shown no bias either way and really want to know how a therapist speaks to a woman that didn’t have an abusive childhood. Are they lost for words? How can it be explained if only half roughly had truama childhoods, what do they say to those women.
Do they try then to find things in order to be able to deliver their therapy?
This only works as an explanation for abuse if all women come from a ‘primed’ environment for it. I think there’s often confusion between developing the perspective of seeing the signs,education around it, and the effects somehow being the cause.
It matters to know you didn’t deserve it, and that it wasn’t your fault.
-
Thank you TS and all the strong women that have given me the feeling it is not my fault. I slept better last night just focusing on this one thought and it’s something I needed to hear for a long time. I have bought the book ‘living with the dominator’. Even though we are not together I still have contact via child handovers. Once I have read it I am going to look at the freedom program.
I need to be single atm and I know this. My therapist has helped with various issues so I am going to go again as we have built a relationship and I can’t imagine starting over again and going back over things.
Again thank you for the words of support when I’m having a wobble it helps to hear from others that have been through it. -
Dear Aliceinwonderland
You need that peace and sleep so desperately. We can all relate,I reckon!
Just why is their focus on you ‘finding’ ‘seekb it and looking for’ abuse. Asked the question is that what you want, given choices, then no. Coercively controlled and FOG’d in fear, is not knowing what is happening to you.
Very positive to look at now and how to avoid these types,to see tactics,and how early they start, to arm ourselves with those insights is a positive experience.
Warmest wishes ts
-
-
Dear Aliceinwonderland
Do you mind my asking, as you said you needed to hear that one thing and hold that one thought, has your therapist who’s built up this relationship (over time I’m assuming) not kept saying this to you?
I struggle a lot with your own personal therapist, trained in dv, (not just yours, I mean generally, any), not needing to say that quite a lot to a survivor of it.
Like freedom programme dies, there’s no judgement its about understanding what hes been doing akl this time,from the perspective of a woman (Pat craven) who worked with th e perpetrators of abuse in the probationary service, and so got the inside track on why they did these things and what their underlyib beliefs were about women.
I’m starting to believe that therapists who understand the basics of that dynamic are in the very small minority and that makes me very sad.
Sorry, don’t want to derail your thread into a generalised issue of dv therapists.
What it makes me want to do, is to become one so even if the only thing I keep repeating is ‘its not your fault’ as that does seem pretty key concept to get across to a survivor, that I might be doin a better job of it!
Warmest wishes ts
-
Yes I needed to hear that it’s not my fault and perhaps she’s said it and I haven’t been able to hear it over my own thoughts. Also being questioned by friends and family who believe he is this laid back charming man who has a tendency to drink too much.
Also the question did he do it on purpose? I now believe he did, but it’s a grey area for some. Whether he did it consciously or subconsciously because he was so insecure and needed control. He still did it on purpose. Years on I am hearing this for the first time, I mean actually hearing it.
I hope that makes sense?-
I really struggle with the did he do it on purpose thing, did he know, does he get it. The psychological element of the behaviours like withholding when he’d be back and in what state/mood but knowing that it made me extremely anxious, the banging downstairs to unnerve me and then completely denying it, that sort of stuff, it probably doesn’t even feature on his radar but those were big big things for me, things that hugely affected me, silent treatment if I said I was unhappy about some sort of behaviour that frankly anyone would be unhappy about. So many things that he probably wouldn’t even see as abusive but are.
x
-
-
I’ve never really thought of it this way, but I suppose that’s because I don’t really believe it influences your choice of partner.
My dad was an abusive drunk who physically assaulted me when I was of a very young age. He even punched me as a baby and told my mum I fell off the sofa. He died a few years back and I didn’t find out till a couple of years later. It didn’t even bother me.
My first teenage relationship I married him 😂 he was wonderful, he just sadly couldn’t keep it in his pants so I divorced him. But that’s not something I blame him for, he had a lot of issues after finding out he couldn’t have children so that was his way of dealing with life changing news. We became friends again after I divorced him.
My second main relationship was the abusive one and I never even saw that coming, but that was because he pretended to be someone he wasn’t. He controlled me and hit me for a long time but he was never a drinker, with him it was drugs. The violence is something that still haunts me but he made me into the person I am now.
I’m much stronger. I hate people telling me what to do and I’m incredibly stubborn. I always like to be in control. I feel sorry for my husband sometimes!I’m now married to a wonderful man who is my very best friend, so I don’t believe even with awful fathers it can influence who you end up in a relationship with.
I do however thoroughly believe my willingness, at the time, to maintain my abusive relationship with my daughter’s father was purely to keep our family together, because I came from a broken home myself. So some factors from your upbringing do have an impact on future relationships but I’m not sure I could be persuaded that a penchant for liking “bad boys” is in relation to having a terrible dad.
I’d be awful in therapy 😂 I’d always be telling them they’re wrong lol.
The most important thing I’ve come to realise is always accepting it was never your fault. You never did anything wrong. You never asked for it to happen. And it’s certainly not you with the problems, it’s them…
-
Good post Dillusionalworld, really illustrates the differences and why women blaming themselves doesn’t really make everything fit,but I am really worried about having therapy as a result of how many women I hear saying this is what therapists do.
I’m really not into abuse being valid reason for going into ones childhood. It’s accepted though so often, with vulnerable women, and then the therapist is telling the client wht has to be done rather than the client having trauma focussed therapy. If I wanted therapy for my childhood I would get that separately.
I don’t think I’m going to do any therapy, i dont think I’d be strong enough.
Was good to read your post and sorry for your experience with that abuser.
Warmest wishes ts
-
I think if we have experienced abuse or neglect in childhood, then we become carers, rescuers, fixers and we have a greater tolerance to abuse than say the next person. Our boundaries were not respected and our needs not met which makes it difficult for us to know where to draw the line with others and we put the needs of others before our own.
-
- You must be logged in to reply to this topic.
