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I tried to leave while he was at work but as I was getting into the taxi he was pulling in (what are the chances) and tried to stop me. I ignored him and went to the station anyway. While waiting for the train I thought what about when I get to my parents house? I have no Job or anything and a car that I will now have to pay for. I’m going to be alone most of the time and it’s lockdown. I had a panic attack, rang him and ended up coming back. I feel so ashamed of myself and weak.
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It’s ok. Don’t berate yourself. Leaving is hard. Do your parents know you were planning to go there? Perhaps you could talk through your worries with them and come up with a plan. Have you spoken to your local women’s aid? It took me over a year to plan and finally leave. I spent months thinking through every case scenario to find the best possible solution. Car payments, work etc can all be sorted at a later stage. So long as your safe. When you are finally safe and free from abuse you will think more clearly. These things can be sorted out.
Stay safe xx-
Hey Hetty thank you for replying. It’s just my dad as my mum passed away a few years ago. My dad knows I’m in a “bad relationship” but I know he won’t fully understand what is happening and I did tell him I was coming home, he said if needs be he will make the (detail removed by Moderator) hour drive and come and get me. Whenever something threatens the relationship I panic. I confided in a friend and sent her pictures of my bruises once and she said she was going to phone the police if I didn’t leave him and I had a panic attack straight away, it’s so weird. I haven’t taken the step to speak to them yet I don’t know why I feel scared to but at this point I don’t have much choice. That’s exactly it my mind is the biggest fog I feel really out of sorts. Thank you so much for the advice. If you don’t mind me asking how was it when you left? xx
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‘Leaving’ was a long process. The first step was recognising I was in an abusive relationship. This took years to get to that point. You’re already there. That’s why you’re on here. Then I reached out for support from my local domestic abuse service. This took me months later and I got that courage from being on here and reading posts. The worker there validated how I was feeling and confirmed in my mind what I already knew. My ex was abusing me and my son. I then found myself grieving for the relationship and the future I thought I had with him. The walls of my fantasy came crashing down. That was a difficult time emotionally and I felt incredibly sad and worried for the future. However, each time my ex abused me and my child (mostly emotional) I knew I needed to leave. It took me about a year to grieve, detach and find my way out. I spoke with a solicitor, sorted out finances the best I could, got my important documents in order, used clare’s law to find out more about my husband to assess risk. Even then during this period I still had weeks at a time when I’d go back to thinking it was me making things up, this time he’d change. I felt like there was no way out with so many obstacles. Journaling helped to see the patterns to the cycle of abuse. A lot of what I worried about (my child’s school and work commute etc) was easily sorted or wasn’t even an issue.
While I was exploring options a property became vacant. I knew then it was now or never. Even then it sat empty for a few months and I still didn’t feel sure. Then one time he came home and started on me for no reason and then began the process of stonewalling and something just clicked. Suddenly all the barriers and worries I had about how I’d manage just disappeared and I knew I had to save myself and my son. I packed up my car. My ex didn’t stop me. I imagined him kicking off but he didn’t. I think he thought it was temporary. I didn’t shed a tear and nor did my child. We had cried so many tears already we just felt relief.
Now I’m out I can honestly say I haven’t really missed my ex. Christmas was hard but only because of family stuff and briefly I felt like running back to my ex but I just kept educating myself which kept me in the reality that my ex would never change. He had made all the promises so many times before.
I’m getting the odd begging email but they’re starting to dry up. I don’t respond unless I have to because of practical matters.
There is no better feeling than waking up in a calm and peaceful house. Knowing that never again will he get to treat me like he did. I’ve started to find myself again. It’s a long journey to recovery and I’m having to support my son but it was the best decision even if it’s meant leaving possessions and cutting my losses with some financial stuff.
You can do this. Every journey is different. Crawl if you must. One baby steps at a time. Do one thing every day that gets you closer to your goal – talk more to your dad about your money worries, casually start thinking about a job you might like in the future, take cate of yourself, read or post on here. Whatever feels right. Most importantly stay safe xx
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Really well done on your escape attempt! Dont beat yourself up, consider it practice. This time you got to the station; next time you will get further. Remember to keep your plans to yourself. It’s so difficult to get out alone, Hetty is right, reach out for more support. Could a family member or friend come get you next time?
If an escape to freedom is what you want, you will achieve it. This time was like a fire drill, next time you’ll do it for real. You are not weak. Enduring abuse takes immense strength and getting as far as you did took such courage. I’m out for months and still contact from my ex gives me such anxiety. He scuppered your escape by turning up unexpectedly and throwing you off. Next time you’ll be more prepared. You got this xx
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My dad lives about (detail removed by Moderator) hours away but he said he will come and get me if needs be. I know I need to leave because I feel completely broke and crazy but it’s like he’s engrained in me. I’m petrified of leaving and trying to rebuild my life. Hopefully next time I’ll be strong enough. Thank you so much and I’m so glad and proud you got out I hope you are coping okay xx
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I know for me living in the abuse made it almost impossible to ask for help. The abuse makes us so isolated from our support network and it makes us feel we are worthless and dont deserve any help. I also felt I should be “strong and independent” enough to get out on my own, that it was my mess and I needed to do it alone. But we are not alone. Our abusers want us to feel that way so we feel so trapped we stay.
I told one friend what was happening. She encouraged me tell a family member and then to accept their offer to come and get me. I’m encouraging you to do the same. You deserve help and support. You need it. Your father has offered to come get you. Tell him you would like him to do that. Let him help you. It is a lovely thing to help another person; it makes the helper feel good too. Me and the family member who came to get me have never been closer, I now consider them one of my best and closest friends.
Like you I felt I was going crazy and completely broken. When my husband got more violent and I read up about abuse and realised it was the mental torture I was enduring that was making me feel like that I knew it was him or me. I am convinced I would have wound up in a psychiatric ward if I had stayed.
Leaving is a bumpy road but I have never regretted it. At its worst it is no worse than staying; the difference is you are safe to experience your emotions rather than numbing your life out. And there is so much bottled emotion and swallowed tears that are painful to process.
Coping is so much easier when we are free. Living rather than enduring. I feel like a young woman with her life ahead of her again. I was just surviving before. I look 10 years younger and have gotten my sparkle back. I smile more, laugh more, dance around the kitchen more…and appreciate all those things more because I had lost them for so many years. Most importantly I have peace. Peace in my home, peace in my body (no racing heart, nausea and night sweats) and peace in my mind.
Freedom. It’s all there for you too.xx
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I just wanted to add my voice of support. Surviving abuse is a super power. It’s heroic to face the most most painful thing in our lives and choose to save ourselves. It may take some time but your soul and spirit will lead you out of this. Please continue to reach out for support. There are many people who will understand deeply what you are going through.
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