Unsupervised contact – impact on the child

[Hopingforpeace]

Hi, how do you help your children when they have to have unsupervised contact with their father. When he is being emotionally abusive to them, using them to try to continue to abuse you. When you’ve sought help from relevant professionals but you are not believed, he plays the victim and you are accused of trying to cause parental alieniation.

It breaks my heart that we cant protect our children. its been years now and the trauma he has already put our children through and ive fought and fought to protect them but I get nowhere and they still have to go for contact. Now it seems he is being more covert but I think they have a subconscious fear of him, they have seen the ‘look’ when he is upset/angry and they are probably without realising trying to keep him happy. i cant pinpoint anything exactly right now but its like he is ‘guiding their choices. Not so long ago he was trying to emotionally manipulate them to do what he wanted to meet his needs but he has now stopped that and they are starting to trust him again though it is obvious that they dont trust him totally. But ive seen children copy this bullying behaviour and copy the ‘look’ when someone wont do what they want. He is trying to bribe them by buying them things everytime and in particular clothes but each time before contact children have a big issue about what they are going to wear and get very upset and even said they thought they looked bad in something that is usually a favourite recently. They always try to wear something he has bought recently.

I know he is going to start again soon with his overt abusive tactics then the children go through the upset and anxiety of that again and will lose trust in him again.

You explain that how he speaks to them/things he doesn’t isn’t right but yet they still have to go. They seem him as nice and not nice. I mean how confusing is that to a child, sends message that no its not right but they have to put up with it and as have to see him.

Hoping there are others on here who understand.

[fizzylem]

Yeah sadly I get it only too well; I keep a ‘diary of return’ and record all the facts, time he’s had her, her mood on leaving / returning, her behaviour, difficulties and the things she says over the week that relate to dad or are just strange and don’t make sense.

TBH there’s not a lot any of us can do really other than sit it out until they are old enough to say they dont want to go anymore around 11/12. Then if he takes you back to court because they have stopped going they have a voice and this is heard; sometimes it can be younger than this if they can verbalise themselves – feel strongly.

Sadly, there are psychopaths out there who are a menace to society and their partner’s, violent, criminals and they still have the right to see their child – (detail removed by moderator). It’s so very wrong isn’t it – they take the view it is different parenting styles. You and I know only too well how the emotional and psychological abuse is damaging our children; (detail removed by moderator).

Your power is in supporting them through the difficulties with dad, this helps to equip them for life; use each difficulty they present as something to learn a lesson from.

I’ve also been putting some aside for her therapy bill; she’s had a couple of episodes of counselling already; her father has taught her to be forgiving. You can also focus on doing things that boost their self esteem.

Have you read the Safe not sorry research? x

[Hopingforpeace]

Hi, fizzylem, it is so very wrong I agree, a child should have a right to a safe and secure childhood, yet sadly a father’s rights come first. There seems to be the assumption that he wont abuse the child even if they even believe he was abusive to you. Like you i keep a diary and am trying to teach children to recognise positive and negative behaviours and at the moment looking into what books etc there are available to help to teach them how to recognise their emotions even when they aren’t sure what it is they feel and trying to find the best ways to help build their self esteem. But it is hard to teach your children all this in an interesting/indirect way.

KIP – I agree zero contact is the best way but a third party for me and many others is not possible.

[Hopingforpeace]

Hi Fizzylem, I forgot to say ive not read the Safe not Sorry research, i’ll look it up, thank you.

[KIP.]

Are you total zero contact? If he can’t abuse you and see the chaos and your pain he might give up. All contact should be done via a third party. It also shows the kids that it’s okay to have zero contact. Speak to your GP and women’s aid about signing them up for counselling now x

[diymum@1]

(detail removed by moderator). kids do learn by example and you dont want them to think that bullying /manipulative behaviour is ok. i feel i can make this point because my own daughter turned on me physically and emotional bullying. its been a heart break for my family and from all the research ive done her father taught her that this is ok and you get exactly what you want. (detail removed by moderator) xxxx

[Escapee]

The child’s/children’s school can also be a massive support. Every school has child protection officers and often child welfare support. Once they know the history and your concerns they can help support the child. By law they have to keep records, if they’re good they will also track behaviour etc to highlight any patterns (ie – before or after contact the child may show signs of anger, anxiety, distress, disruptive behaviour etc).

Problems with attachment has been an issue that has become very real in children. If you’re interested I can recommend Inside I’m hurting by Louise Michelle Bombèr. If it’s older children – Teenagers and attachment is a good one (edited by Andrea Perry).

[Author]

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