Unsure

[Abcde]

Hi everyone, this is my first post and I’m full of confusion! I think I may be in an emotionally and psychologically abusive relationship. We’ve been together a while and have children. The red flags were always there but they were always excused – the first time it happened he was very apologetic etc and I believed it was a ‘normal’ relationship quarrel even though he had used words to personally attack me that made me feel worthless and were compleatly unnecessary. He used to take drugs when we first met but I thought this had stopped , occasionally it reoccurred and I told him I didn’t want to be with someone who did that anymore especially now we have children. I found evidence (but not hard proof) that said he was still doing it after this and asked him about it, obviously full denial and reeled off an unbelievable story swearing it was the truth. Went into a huge rage swearing at me and verbally attacking me in front of the kids. He threatens to leave , I said fine (this threat Is common). I had to stop working so much to look after the children as he earned more than I would and said it wasn’t financially worth it. I work as much as I can around the kids but still have to ask him for money to help with my bills (phone insurance etc). He owns the house and pays the utility bills. He more or less does as he likes where as I have to check he can have the children and pre arrange everything before I can commit, especially for work. He frequently gas lights either unknowingly or purposefully , saying things to provoke a reaction – I usually walk way but there’s only so many times you can be an emotional pin cushion and when I retaliate it explodes and becomes my fault – even when I try to calmly explain what i ment or that he had confused it to mean something else or was denying what he had said in the first place. The times I’ve stood up for myself and argued back he’s then changed the order of events round to justify what he said as a reaction to my responses when it most definitely was the other way round – this behaviour is a reacurring pattern and I think he genuinely believes his version. The same way I believe mine – but I clearly remember my comments coming after his because they were the catalyst for how he made me feel. His comments are personal verbal attacks or Threatening to end it or telling me to go away shut up or get out’ we’re over etc and he thinks that’s a ‘normal’ argument.I’m then told I have to apologise and can never accept when I’m wrong. This has become a frequent pattern and before I disagree or question anything I’m always asking myself if the row is worth it. There’s so much more but I dont want to ramble on and I know I can’t give to much for identification etc but I feel like my head is exploding! I’m questioning if I am being over sensitive or dramatic as he always says I am when I tell him this isn’t normal or right. I think I’m going to book a counselling session to go help process how I’m feeling as Ive also had panic attacks and walk on eggshells or worry what mood he’s in, if the house is to his standard etc etc.

[freedomtochoose]

hello abcde,
you are doing brilliantly posting here.
Yes, it is abuse. Emotional, physical and financial.
End of.
Yes you need to get out.
Yes you are in the right place for yourself and your kids posting here.
Yes, phone WA. Yes, please post Lisa to help this lady along.
You are doing brilliant to talk about his.
keep posting
all best and am sure the other lovely ladies on here will have other insights and will help you along…
ftc
x

[KIP.]

Everything you say is typical abuser behaviour. Try keeping a journal so that you’re always in touch with the truth. Their behaviour drives us crazy and many of us suffer mental health injuries from them. The eggshells is anxiety. I’m assuming he always changes the goal posts too. I used to clean the house for hours and hours because of his abuse but he simply changed the goal post and found something else to abuser me over. Also turning aggressive when he doesn’t want to face his behaviour is very common. I stopped bringing it up because I was afraid of his response. Or simply blaming us is very common, just to cause confusion. All I can say is to trust your gut and remember abusers are pathological liars. Contact your local women’s aid. Google cycle of abuse. Gaslighting. Cognitive dissonance. Read ‘Living with the Dominator’ by Pat Craven. Sadly abuse always gets worse. Stay safe x you have choices and help out there. Keep posting x

[Twisted Sister]

Dear Abcde

I recognise a lot in your post. It’s accepted it seems that he can work and earn whenever he wants whereas we have to make sure cover is in place by checking with him. That makes children your Responsibility, same here. His money is important, yours isn’t, same. That vile ragaing and name-calling another tick on the abusers list if behaviours. The ducking and diving changing and twists and turns show that it’s not about one thing that needs resolving, its about the impact, just using things plucked from the air to manufacture anger, and this where you get controlled by fear of that.

You know what you are experiencing is making you so miserable and exhausting you. You should be able to talk to a partner without fear of this kind of escalation, shutting you down and so on.

Hopefully once you know this you can act to avoid these interactions, sadly he will recognise this change and will likely escalate and change tactics to ensure he does still have control.

You know how it makes you feel, and its sad to hear you have expended so much energy trying on your part to make this work somehow, its horrible isn’t it, yes, exhausting, and that’s the intention to exhaust and demean you. Weaken you and have you fearful, when he will hate you even more for being weak and so on. It’s a downward spiral sadly.

I hope you can keep posting, its not easy to post and so much will have already happened before posting, but it means you have somewhere to come to process it all, with support here from women who can relate to what you are going through.

Warmest wishes ts

[Lisa]

Hi Abcde,

I just wanted to show you some support and welcome you to the forum! Thank you for your brave and honest post. I am so glad to see that you have had some excellent replies. I can back up everything that the other replies have said, he sounds very abusive and your situation sounds very stressful and upsetting for you and the children. Please do try to find a safe time to phone the helpline. They will help you to think about what you want to do next and to explore your options. Please also get plenty of advice and support from your local Women’s Aid group. They can be found here – https://www.womensaid.org.uk/domestic-abuse-directory/

If the helpline is busy, please just leave a message with a safe time for them to call you back. Let us know how you get on. You and the children deserve to be happy and free from abuse.

Best wishes,

Lisa
Forum Moderator

[itwillbeokay]

I’m sorry to say that I recognise all of this aswell, your post hugely struck a chord with me. Welcome. It’s not easy but I’ve since learned it’s basically an awakening. I left months ago with our children after yet another episode of dreadful behaviour towards me. I had developed hyper vigilance over the years and was a nervous wreck waiting for the next thing. I also think emotional including awful verbal, psychological, financial, he was an emotional bully, threatening, intimidating and dominating. Everything was just fine if I let him do as he pleased which always included behaviours that other people simply wouldn’t have put up with particularly with children in the house. But if I tried to set boundaries or said I didn’t like it I would be punished in some way. It got to the point where things escalated and got worse and worse – he was unemployed, I got a good job to go back to having been made redundant after second baby – and it was crumbling around me really. I literally fled the house with a couple of bags and we have rebuilt our lives near to my family. It has not been easy but it is 100% worth it because our living environment is happy and calm and I am slowly coming back. I have spent the past months educating myself from YouTube on what I have been dealing with probably since the beginning. Like you the red flags were there but I ignored them and hoped it would stop and things would change. They won’t. Ever. Regardless of what they say. And my thoughts on if they realise they are like they are are currently a little of they do it’s more around they don’t care. But it is all very complex. Educating yourself will make you stronger in what you need to do.

Much love xxxx

[Author]

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