This topic contains 9 replies, has 6 voices, and was last updated by  fizzylem 3 weeks, 2 days ago.

  • Author
    Posts
  • #84637
     imsosad 
    Participant

    hi all as you know by my bombardment of pists im new here and struggling with ending the abusive relationship. in one of my posts i mentioned an old friend he brought me flowers and chocolates to cheer me up. he is a true gentleman who lost his wife (detail removed by moderator) and raised two kids by himself and runs his own business. he knows my history sadly ALL of it he wants to take me out for tea tomorrow night. question is do i go? my heads all over the show i cant offer more than friendship right now. im worried he is taking advantage of my vulnerability is it too soon for me im so so confused i dont want to send out the wring signal but he knows me and whatd gone on grrrrrrrrr life what do i do

  • #84643
     Faraway 
    Participant

    You could go and just put it on the table that you only want friendship. Yes you are vunerable right now. That is why you would put the boundary in place. But if you are not ready then you are not ready. It will be so hard to trust again understandably. It might be nice to just go out and feel human again. If he is not an abuser and a normal person he will totally understand your feelings. Let’s us know how you go and what you decide! XX maybe you could take a rain check if you are not up to it. Xx

  • #84644
     imsosad 
    Participant

    hi faraway thank you for your reply. hes is not an abuser hes a true gentleman i couldn’t ask for anything more. he knows im noway ready for anything more than friendship its far too soon im still in the healing process. i just needed advice and also to share that there is still true genuine nice honest gentlemen out there

  • #84654
     Yellowflower 
    Participant

    Go it’s so good to talk sometimes . Kind people are what you need right now if your sure he is and you explain it’s purely friendship

  • #84656
     imsosad 
    Participant

    hi yellowflower
    i have made it very clear its purly friendship. there is no way i could offer anymore than that. im far too wounded

  • #84657
     AlwaysSorry 
    Participant

    If you are worried about his motives, I would ask to postpone it for a little bit while you recover. Perhaps I am overstepping the mark here, but you are saying he is a true gentleman and also that you are worried that he might be taking advantage of you. A true gentleman wouldn’t do that, so perhaps you aren’t certain what motives he might have? It’s okay to have such doubts, it does come across a little like a courtship with the flowers and chocolate but you know him the best so I don’t want to dissuade you if you know him to be a genuine man who is fine with just friendship. I guess what I am trying to say is listen to your gut, to your instinct. If this could be a great friend to you, go, try and enjoy a nice meal and have a good evening. If you worry, postpone it for a bit till you feel you are better able to see his motives x

  • #84666
     imsosad 
    Participant

    hi alwaysSorry
    you have not overstepped the mark at all i put the question out there.he is a gentleman i have no doubt about that. it’s me who is the problem now i think im reading too much into it my head is so mashed with the abuse and break up. this guy has known me a very long time through working with my ex husband. when they all found out what he done and put me through they all turned their backs and never spoke to him again. so when he found out id been abused again he was genuinely gutted for me. he knows there is nochande of anything more he has seen the state im in. i jusr don’t know if i should go. i feel im cheating but how can i? im now single

  • #84668
     KIP. 
    Participant

    Don’t go. It’s too soon. You’re still trauma bonded to your ex and the feelings of cheating are what I went through. It’s mind blowing control that continues long after the relationship ends. If you go it will increase your anxiety. Take some time to yourself. To process your loss. You’re extremely vulnerable and vulnerable people do things they regret. If he’s genuine then he won’t mind waiting a few weeks till you’re in a better place x

    • #84765
       fizzylem 
      Participant

      Never thought of that before KIP, that you feel betrayal long after its ended when being with another – so true – wow that is some trauma bond and years of conditioning isn’t it to leave such an effect – shows me how powerful this was again. So very glad to not have these confusing feelings now, to be much clearer in my head and heart; it takes a long time to get to this place though for sure x

  • #84669
     imsosad 
    Participant

    thank you kip you are right. i do take on biard what everyone says on here. i will speak to him now. he is a genuine person i onow he will understand. thank you so much everyone it means so much

You must be logged in to reply to this topic.

EXIT SITE

© 2015 Women's Aid Federation of England – Women’s Aid is a company limited by guarantee registered in England No: 3171880.

Women’s Aid is a registered charity in England No. 1054154

Terms & conditionsPrivacy & cookie policySite mapProtect yourself onlineMedia │ Jobs

Log in with your credentials

or    

Forgot your details?

Create Account