This topic contains 11 replies, has 9 voices, and was last updated by  Camel 1 week, 4 days ago.

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  • #85515
     UnicornSparkleHead 
    Participant

    My partner and I are still together after an extended period of abuse. He’s been through therapy and a course for abusers after he was sentenced (he admitted to everything that happened immediately).

    He’s changed a lot and I’ve seen him getting better and better.

    However.

    Last night, we Skyped as I’m with my family and we were talking about morality. I said I didn’t agree with his view, and asked whether he really thought the majority of people were badly intentioned (I choose to believe in the good in people). He replied saying things such as “wake the f**k up” “you’re being sheltered and naive” “seriously, wake up”. When I responded saying that we might have misunderstood each other his responses were “haha you’re becoming a parody of left-wing twitter now” “you just don’t know what to reply cause you don’t have s**t to reply”. I told him that I didn’t think this kind of behaviour towards me was okay and whether he could maybe consider his tone being a bit less aggressive as it was a bit upsetting to me. He mouthed bye and hung up on me, said he didn’t want to talk to me anymore. He then said I shouldn’t expect an apology because “he doesn’t have to apologise for my ego” “I did nothing wrong” “if you are waiting for an apology you can wait a long time”.

    Now I feel really confused and hurt, because I don’t know whether he is correct and I’m just being fragile because of the past abuse so I see things when they aren’t there or whether these kinds of replies and this kind of treatment is actually problematic? I feel like I can’t really trust my own judgment anymore because of our past. What do you guys think? Am I just being overly sensitive ?

  • #85517
     HunkyDory 
    Participant

    No you’re not. You’re entitled to have an opinion! Just because yours differs from his, he doesn’t like it because he’s always got to be right. Unfortunately there’s no arguing with this type of person because they refuse to see others’ point of view. How do you think he will be with you when you go back home? Will he be expecting you to apologise or will he act like nothing has happened? Xx

  • #85518
     KIP. 
    Participant

    No you’re not being overly sensitive. I always ask myself if I would behave this way towards someone? If the answer is no, then don’t accept that behaviour from anyone else. You told him it was upsetting to you and yet his behaviour worsened with no apology. I’m sorry to say but I do believe that once an abuser, always and abuser. Take care of yourself because he won’t x

  • #85519
     UnicornSparkleHead 
    Participant

    @hunkydory I’m not sure. He hasn’t spoken to me for two days now, I’m being punished I think.

  • #85521
     xxxxhelpxxxx 
    Participant

    It’s not right. That’s the sort of response I get from him. He says I’m naive because I don’t think my home town is bad. I have lived here long enough to understand it. He is from a large city and distrusts anyone and everyone. He gets really annoyed if I try to say I think any different.

  • #85524
     lover of no contact 
    Participant

    That’s horrible the way he has spoken to you. Bet you would never speak to him like that. Totally disrespectful. And now he’s doing the silent-treatment. These behaviours of his are totally unacceptable.

    We can’t control others behaviour all we can control is whether we want to be around it or not.

    When I look back and remember my ex shouting at me in the car when we were newly-wed. I didn’t like it but it never occurred to me that shouting at me was unacceptable behaviour. I didn’t like it but I excused him thinking ‘he had a short fuse’. But I shut up and put up with it and lots of other unacceptable behaviour until 2 decades later he escalated to a level that even I could no longer just shut-up and put-up.

    I wish I could have just walked away there and then and I would have saved myself and my children decades of abuse and trauma and emotional suffering.

  • #85527
     KIP. 
    Participant

    Yes, youre being punished for his bad behaviour. It’s a tactic they use to distract the spotlight away from their own behaviour. Now you’re thinking it’s you. When it’s definitely not you, it’s him x put the spotlight straight back onto his behaviour. You’re getting the silent treatment now. It’s a pattern that simply keeps repeating x

  • #85534
     EbonyRaven 
    Participant

    It sounds like his therapy didn’t do anything. Except maybe teach him some new tricks. He’s made the mistake here of thinking everything is back to where he’s in control and he’s done the nice guy stuff. Now he’s degenerating back to his real, mean personality.

    He’s testing the waters to see whether you let him push past that boundary, to find out if he can go that much further next time.

  • #85535
     HunkyDory 
    Participant

    @unicornsparklehead he sounds very similar in his tactics to my husband. You never know what to do for the best and question if it’s you. It’s not. Xx

  • #85536
     Flowerchild 
    Participant

    No, not you, Sparkle, darling.

    He’s showing you that he doesn’t think you’re entitled to an opinion of your own, or any respect or airtime to express your views. Look, he’s even suggesting you can’t have an original idea but must have been told what to think by others on social media.

    There is complete contempt for you being shown here. I wouldn’t see his silence as punishment: I’d see it as convincing evidence that fundamentally he is completely unchanged.

    If he trashes your opinion on something like this, what will happen when it’s a deeply important and personal topic you’re disagreeing on?

    He’s not to be trusted as half of an adult, mutually supportive, intimate relationship, is he?

    Flower x

  • #85564
     imsosad 
    Participant

    to me hun he cant keep up the pretence none of them can the true colours always burst back through. no matter how much “help” they get they cant change it is impossible for them to change. it is not you he us just twisting your brain to make you think that way. you know how you want to be treated and respected its what we all want and what we all deserve. they have taken enough of us it gas to stop somewhere and only us can takeour lives back from them x*x big hugs

  • #85629
     Camel 
    Participant

    Hello Unicorn

    I’m really sorry for being so direct and I don’t wish to upset you, but why are you back in a relationship with this horrific man?

    He’s already subjected you to terrible abuse that landed him in court. OK, he admitted it but so what? Chances are as it got to court there was lots of evidence. Pleading guilty meant a shorter sentence. It doesn’t mean he actually felt any guilt. And was the therapy court ordered? Whatever, abuser therapy hardly ever works anyway. (Read Lundy ‘Why do they do that’ and you’ll see why.)

    I know you want to believe the therapy has worked, that he’s changed and is getting ‘better and better.’ But he really really hasn’t.

    He’s already abused you severely. Now when he should be ‘cured’ he tramples over your opinions then gives you the silent treatment, both classic traits of the controlling abuser. Yet you are worried you’re being over sensitive.

    It’s not unusual for us to be pulled back in by our abusers so don’t feel ashamed. But you do need to understand how he did it. You sound like a compassionate caring woman who believes in the innate goodness of people. You probably think he deserves another chance. Maybe he did but his latest abusive behaviour must surely be a huge red flag. The silent treatment should be seen as a blessing in disguise. You owe him absolutely nothing and I hope you can sever all ties.

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