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Firstly, Thank you to everyone on this forum for being there. I’m seeking some clarity as to whether what I’m experiencing is wrong. I’ll try and keep it short as possible but it’s a bit of a life story for me.
I’ve been married to my husband for nearly (detail removed by moderator) and we’ve been together more or less for nearly (detail removed by moderator). So we were together during our early growing years. We both made mistakes in the earlier years but my hisband still dwells on those I made now. Controlling traits from the start-what he wasn’t happy with me wearing, not going out with others at uni, I could go out but he wasn’t happy if it was in pubs in town, didn’t want me going away with work etc. We had children who are now teenagers. The control has continued (detail removed by moderator) wasn’t happy if I’d walk into town at lunch with any male colleagues. I unfortunately rebelled and had an emotional affair with a male colleague. I didn’t see a future with this man, it was just something for me I guess. However I did state in an email which my husband found that I would leave my husband if it wasn’t for the children. I don’t know if I meant it or not. I regret this affair 100% and am disgraced by it-it is completely out of character for me. We decided to work through it and stay together. However the control has continued even though i tried to explain that it was a contributory factor to the affair. A (detail removed by moderator) or so on and although things have improved in some ways there is still control and I feel manipulation. He is not comfortable me working with a group of men, he was upset when we had a team meeting in a pub, even though my employer is flexible he complains when I have to do a 10 minute work job on my day off. If one of the children is off sick (but not too bad), I’ve abadoned them if I go to work. If I disagree with something he says (detail removed by moderator) instead of discussing. If I want to see my parents more than a couple of times a week, (detail removed by moderator).
When I read some of the posts on here I can see that if this is abuse it is mild or is it not really abuse at all or a relationship where communication isn’t working? I’m feeling very confused. -
Apologies for venting but I would also like to add when my teenage daughter had a (detail removed by moderator) boyfriend I would hug him hello/bye and once when he was poorly I rubbed his arm to make sure he was ok. My husband had a real problem with all of this and said it was “creepy”. I am an affectionate person so wasn’t out of character for me. He has no problem when I do it with their girlie friends. He wanted to see some yoga poses I do, when showing him, “it looks really perverse”. He’s very uncomfortable about me wanting to sign up to the gym as he thinks t men are there just to gawp and pose.
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I would definitely say that some of these things are controlling, if he is stipulating how many times you can see people or what you can wear then yes, I would say this is controlling. I am guess your emotional affair was a way of you demonstrating you had had enough of his behaviour and also experiencing a bit of normality? Has he taken any responsibility for this or is all the blame on you? X
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It sounds to be like he is very controlling and the lack of trust that he has for you predates the emotional affair.
It does sound like it is abusive to me, but whether you agree with that or not -but you are clearly not happy. I don’t mean to suggest that you pack your bags and move out this minute – i mean that you need to think about what you really want and whether you see yourself HAPPILY spending the rest of your life with him. Keep reading about domestic abuse and keep chatting on here.
Also, just to say that my ex did things similar to what your husband does to you. A lot of what he did i didn’t even realise was abuse until i educated myself properly on the subject.
I am tired so i hope that what i am saying makes some sense?
Scarecrow x
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It does, thank you scarecrow. Could you suggest any further reading which may help?
I guess whether controlling or not this sort of behaviour isn’t making me happy. But what I’m finding so hard is that we’ve always been like this and I feel like I’m moving the goalposts in our relationship and that this is unfair on him.
I’m finding it hard to believe that I allowed this to happen in the first place and after years of being together and life’s ups and downs, it just becomes more complicated and confusing. Especially with the children.
We can’t walk away from each other and never see each other again, we will always have to have some sort of relationship and if we separate that is going to be so hard.
He has no other support. He doesn’t get on with is mum, distant with his dad and has no real friends. I worry what would become if him. -
We have been discussing separation for several weeks/months now. From my point of view if he doesn’t change there is no other alternative. He says he doesn’t want to separate and that he’ll do his best to control his feelings/behaviours. He stipulated that I need to make some promises though. Again the same. I said I can’t make these promises eg not to touch males on their arm during talking, not to ‘get to know’ My work colleagues, not to wear any clothing which reveals cleavage etc. He relented and said he’ll do his best. He won’t have counselling-alone or together.
So for now we are in separate bedrooms. Yesterday he came to cuddle me and said he missed me, which on its own would have been appreciated but he said it looking at my chest. This morning, similar, we were having a general conversation and he looks at my chest and smiles. Is this just me being negative or anyone else find this odd when he knows I’m still considering separation?
Please help me think straight! Xx -
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