1st May 2016 at 9:57 am #15968
I’m just wanting general thoughts please? I’m due to get married in (detail removed by Moderator) and keep thinking should or shouldn’t I? We have a baby and it makes it harder to know the best thing to do
My family are worried if we get married things will get worse. It’s not physical abuse it’s more emotional. There’s a lot to say but I’ll try keep it brief.
Things have got worse since I became pregnant. I initially wanted to wait but he got very upset with me and said if I didn’t want a baby with him then, then it meant I didn’t want one at all. So we did. When I was (detail removed by Moderator) month’s pregnant I wanted to go to a concert I had booked for ages but he forbid me to go as could have been bad for baby’s hearing. I was upset but thought he was doing it for the baby. I ha d very bad sickness and one night couldn’t stop being sick but he kept trying to force feed me saying I needed to for the baby and getting very angry with me but I couldn’t help the sickness. He was so tired the next day from me being up puking he dumped me at a+e on my own feeling very weak saying he needed to sleep. I thought it would be selfish to ask him to stay but was scared and tired. I put a post up once an social media about someone saying how lovely ny bump was and I was so happy! He then sent me a text calling me a t*at saying take it down immediately, cos of his job he wanted no one to know. I had to sit in the loo at work crying as he didn’t understand how I wanted to share our news. Maybe I was selfish not understanding he wanted to keep it under wraps cos of his job? He was paranoid.
The baby came and the first month he was fantastic! Making me lunch, doing nappies, waiting on me hand and foot. I was breastfeeding so he didn’t really do any night feeds but said come get me if you struggle. I never did and I should have as some nights I got no sleep, she was a very bad sleeper. I wanted to give up feeding at (detail removed by Moderator) weeks but he
Talked me out of it saying just one more week or you’ll regret not doing (detail removed by Moderator) months. By this point she refused a bottle and I now can’t go anywhere for longer than an hour or I get a sjg phone call from him and her screaming in background and him shouting come home now! Even though he said I could go out.
He doesn’t ever put her to bed or change nappies. He comes home to her crying and says it’s a mad house, says I go out too much for coffees and need to stay in (detail removed by Moderator) days a week to keep the house clean and in order or it stresses him out and he has to spend his weekend cleaning. I take it as criticism, he says I’m a great mum but a terrible house wife. I don’t cook – I do try to but I never know when he is getting home so I can’t have it on the table. I could do more but I find it exhausting with the baby. I thought I had PND cos I kept crying and felt I couldn’t cope but doctor said I haven’t. I think it’s the pressure from him to keep house in order.
Once she kept crying at night so he bundled us out the door with her in her pram. It was (detail removed by Moderator). I was shocked. He’s told me to get out before too as I asked if I could have one night in hotel on my hen do. He said how could I ask that as my baby feeds from me and I’m selfish. But she is old enough to go through the night and my parents have managed to rock her to sleep with me in the other room sleeping, because he’s sent us there as he’s tired. Every day he says he’s tired and ill. I am on edge waiting for the next b**w up. Every day I get criticised for not hoovering properly but I feel I’m trying to juggle too much with the baby whom he never helps out with. We never have days out, he wants to sit and watch football or go to a match with me at home.
He had thrown two bottles when she didn’t take them and smashed them with milk going everywhere. He also punched her cd player I bought her as she wouldn’t stop crying. I was scared but he said he’d never hurt us. The one time he did try to settle her I came up to check and he aggressively said well I’m going to have to be OK as you want to go out! I just wanted to pop to my neighbour’s for a cuppa one night as I’ve not been out since we had the baby on my own of an evening where as he has. I can’t work out if I’m selfish as she feeds from me or if I’m being controlled? He asks me everyday what my plans are then huffy if I’m going out. If I’ve arranged to go far he gets annoyed and says why haven’t I told him sooner? I just feel like I know what he’s going to say so I put off asking. But he says I’m sneaky?
Sorry for the very long message but wanted to get as much of the situation in here. He has lots of friends and they think the world of him but they’re work friends. So feel like maybe they don’t know the real him? He also doesn’t get on well with my parents and sends them emails telling them to butt out of our wedding plans and criticising their behaviour. It’s made me stuck in the middle.
Thank you so much, I can’t tell friends as they are either drained by what I tell them or I feel if I tell them they’ll dislike him and if j stay with him it would be awkward. X
1st May 2016 at 9:58 am #15969
Sorry that really wasn’t brief! I do go on! X
1st May 2016 at 10:19 am #15972
He does say he loves me all the time. He brings the money in and doesn’t control money. I have maternity pay which finishes soon but have organised a part time job from home. I had a full time job before but we decided it wouldn’t work out financially for me to work. I used to have really fun jobs and be very outgoing but worried I’ve lost that person. I would like a job in an office not just at home where I’m juggling the baby and work and housework as there’ll be no time for me to see friends.
Oh he says he just likes to punch objects. He does get annoyed when the dog squeaks as she doesn’t get many walks and will kick her but says it’s discipline. It makes me shudder and I’ve asked him not to do it as it doesn’t sit well with me but he says it’s just a tap, he’s not hurt her. I can’t work out if it’s discipline or not? I hate who I’ve become, I’m so unsure of myself and my family say I gave a fake smile all the Time. But he looks after us and would do anything for us I’m sure and we have lots of nice plans coming up…with his friends but I like socialising and I’m excited. Also I want ny big day! But I’m worried once we’re married if I did decide to leave it would be very difficult. I’m in turmoil and have been for some time. When he’s happy I say please stay like this it’s lovely! But I can feel when the next mood is coming, it feels off and I try to keep the mood jokey. Then he says I’m tired and ratty. Then I know he will find something to get mad about. Lately I’ve been answering back and this is when he told me to get out but for some reason I didn’t. He sleeps on sofa when we have a row, feels like a punishment then he doesn’t speak to me for ages. He said he was disappointed in me when I asked to stay in a hotel. That hurt.
1st May 2016 at 10:29 am #15974Falling SkysParticipant
Hi and Hugs
Please read what you have written as if it was a friend saying it. There is so much abuse going on.
It’s not going to get any better, I waited decades for him to realise what he was doing, but it just got worse and I lost the strength to break free.
Even now he thinks he’s won but sadly its not a game of winners just losers.
My father said as I was getting ready to get into the wedding car, “you don’t have to do this”. Wish I’d have listened.
Talk to womans aid they are unbiased and when to verbalise it, it becomes so much clearer.
Good luck and we are all here for you.
1st May 2016 at 10:37 am #15976
Thank you falling skys. I’m just so sad that I may bring my baby up in a broken family. I feel like such a failure. I had a lovely upbringing j don’t know where I went wrong. I fear he may be nasty and fight to have full custody and it would break my heart, we have such a bond. It’s hard almost as he’s not hit me I don’t feel I should be ‘allowed’ to be called abused? I’m so sorry for you too. I do keep getting told I don’t have to marry him. But I just keep thinking Oh the lovely day! Did you feel like that? We have a nice holiday planned after with the baby.
I keep thinking it’s not right but I can’t break away. Feel so weak. I’m so thin and my hair is falling out from psoriasis.
Thank you for your support xx
1st May 2016 at 10:55 am #15978
Hi Mellowyellow and welcome to the forum, its good you have posted on here as what you describe sounds like typical abuse.
Abuse only gets worse over time , I would suggest contacting Womens aid for advise, your local one may be able to give you a support worker you can meet up with.
I would very seriously think about marrying this man, as you will be setting you and your child up for an awful life by the sound of it, he is showing abuse in several area’s
1. Lack of care and support and compassion for you when you are suffering and unwell carrying his baby – abusers only care about how things affect them, they are very selfish especially when you are unwell.
2.He is showing sign of control re you going out etc
3. He is being physically violent toward things in your home
4. He expects you to do all of the childcare now and have an immaculate house, what stops him from hoovering any considerate man would do this
5. He is critical of you,hence trying to pull you down
6. He is causing friction with your parents as they try to alienate you from family/friends
&.He has been violent smashing things in front of the baby,this will not get better and the baby would grown up having to witness this violence, which would affect it badly.
You are also showing signs of looking to blame yourself and excuse him which we all have done.
Never mind him being tired when dumped you at A and E, I expect you were exhausted being up all night being sick.
Many abusers start off verbal then go on to physical.
Read post on here and you will see similarites of the abuse you are getting, keep posting as we ladies on here understand the dynamics of abuse where as friend don’t always.
No need to apologise for sharing it all, we all seem to do that ,its because they have made us feel unworthy of help, do contact womens aid as well, they can advise you on how to get out safely because if you do decide to not stay with him, the abuse often gets a lot worse and it can get unsafe.
I have e suffered several decades of abuse mainly emotional verbal,smashing my things , throwing my posesions etc, I have disabilities and am stuck, I really wish I had,had the courage and insight otleave many many years ago when my children were small as the whole family has been affected and still are my children blame me for not leaving, I would advise you not to let the baby grown up with this abuser or yourself stay with him, he will wear you down more and more, many other ladies on her have stayed for many many years and nothing changed.
A very small percentage of abuser do take the steps to change ,it takes a lot of sheer hard work on their part. most are in total denial of their behavior and do notchnage, mine has made promises of change for decades but truth is he is still denial and sites me as to blame. Get advise but it could be you tell himhe needs to get proper help if he wants to stay in your life,but get support and advise first as I said they can escalate the abuse and be dangerous if they know you are thinking of splitting up xx
1st May 2016 at 11:13 am #15980
Thank you godschild for your kind words. Sorry for your abuse too.
He has ocd and blames it on that if there’s any kind of dust. He does do the hoovering but almost makes me feel guilty when he has to as I’m at home all day.
He says I can do what I want but it’s the baby he needs to know about so needs to know of our whereabouts at all times. I need to text him when I arrive places or he’ll worry. Is that not just Concern? He did let me do what I wanted before I was pregnant. ‘let me’! What has happened to me. I told him when I met him I was independent and liked socilialising but I feel he’s trying to change me. Says I should be making a home for us, that should be my priority.
I keep doing things for the wedding like getting my dress fitted then panicking and cancelling it. I just need to make a decision. I don’t want to be trapped.
I would feel so guilty for my baby if he damaged her emotionally too. It breaks my heart. I will give the no a call and get some advice. Thank you lots. It’s nice to know I’m not mad. I just want a nice life with no moods, I’m usually so happy and never grumpy. Why can’t he be like that?
Thank you everyone x*x
1st May 2016 at 11:15 am #15981
Have just read you further posts, you say you dont want to bring your baby up in a broken family better broken than abusive, you have not gone wrong anywhere these men do it to any woman its not your fault in anyway at all, they can be so charming but its a cycle of abuse you can google the cycle of abuse and see,they have jekyle and d hyde personalities. they put on a false perosna outside the home so others think they are wonderful They are nice to you at times to keep the cycle going.
Mine used to sleep on the sofa for months, years ago to punish me and ignore me.
I know you want your big day ,it will come in time with the right man, but no big day will ever be worth it with the wrong man, he will get worse and worse, mine ended up being abusive to my son in his teens,yours is already showing aggression and violence towards the baby when she cries.
you will greive your dream of marrying him and your big day but you will greive far more if you stay with him.
The effects of his abuse are already showing, a lady I know had dreadful phoriasis due to abuse it affects you mentally and physically, you cant go on like this he will break you mentally and physically.
Mine has always provided for me, he has good times but it always comes back.
He has even worked from home due to my disablities but he is still abusive and in fact my diasabilities have enabled him to keep me isolated with him.
You have your parents support, do they know about this xx
1st May 2016 at 11:27 am #15982
Thank you godschild I’m so grateful to talk to someone who understands. Yes my mum cut out an article of the bgt women who was abused as she had very similar experiences. They are very supportive and want me to be happy. My father is in a bit of denial. He is like me and will try and please people and not rock the boat but my mum and brother are very worried. My mum was on the receiving end when he sent an email criticising her and how she was trying to control elements of the wedding. She just wanted to be involved. It’s affected her as s heshe has bi polar and she had an episode recently and I think it was caused by his criticisms of her. She seems to think she’s a bad mum now but she is great.
I’m so sorry you are isolated by your disabilities.
I never thought this would happen and didn’t realise it was so common. I must be strong and not be tied to him. I’m worried I’ll have no friends left and I have or had lots.
Yes worried about my health, I don’t have time to eat really and so worried about my hair!
I keep talking myself round but I can’t go on. I have to be strong. I hope one day I will get married to the right man but if not then it wasn’t meant to be. I think how will someone take me on with a young child? But I think I’m fun and caring and not bad looking so I hope so.
Thank you again x*x
1st May 2016 at 11:33 am #15983
Many people have OCD but they dont blame others for not hoovering, you have a child and it does not hurt him to help out.
Many things these men do they say out of concern but it isnt its abuse, he does not need to know where you are all the time that is not natural.
Mine puts many thins he does down to caring but it isnt its control, they wrap up well to disguise the abuse.
All women feel they have changed as they gradully chipaway at you, I was in denial until about 4years ago after decades of abuse, that mine was abuse,I excused him,ratonalised it, ignored it and just lived for the better times which came often, then went at those times i would thinkhe could never be like like it again,but I started to read books and became enlightned, then around christmas last year he was terrible to me in the face for the first time and was so cruel,it all came to a head and Icould see it for what it was and im with him due to my disabilities but Im cut off emotionally and I can never cover it up ever again and have told some people as hardly anyone knew before, he has worn me down somuch over the years and blamed me. An exellent book to open your eyes to the truth is Why does he do that by Lundy Bancroft,he treis to help abusers and knows all of their tactics also Patricia Evans books on verbal abuse are very very good as well xx
1st May 2016 at 11:37 am #15984White RoseParticipant
It sounds as if you’ve made ypur decision not to go through with it. An I reading that right?
This an is waving so many red flags of abuse I’d be worried about you and your child if you stay with him. Can you talk to womens aid? Can you talk to your health visitor? If he’s smashing “things” it may be he’d lose if with you or your child. Don’t let him. Go with your instinct. Look after you and your child.
Please remember that abusers get more aggressive and up their game when we start to talk about getting out. Make sure you and your child are both safe x*x
1st May 2016 at 11:39 am #15985
Oh and yes he can’t stand the baby crying
If she cries he yells just feed her! But she’s not always hungry. It means she wakes about four times in the night and I have to feed her to sleep and I literally tense up if she cries as I know he’ll get annoyed. My parents noticed how he tells me when to feed her. He will ask for naps and lie ins but he never offers me when even when I have asked. He just ignores this. He says but what if she needs feeding? He says her crying goes right through him. It’s not her fault. X*x
1st May 2016 at 11:45 am #15986
Many people have OCD but they dont blame others for not hoovering, you have a child and it does not hurt him to help out.
Many things these men do they say out of concern but it isnt its abuse, he does not need to know where you are all the time that is not natural.
Mine puts many thins he does down to caring but it isnt its control, they wrap up well to disguise the abuse.
All women feel they have changed as they gradully chipaway at you, I was in denial until about 4years ago after decades of abuse, that mine was abuse,I excused him,ratonalised it, ignored it and just lived for the better times which came often, then went at those times i would thinkhe could never be like like it again,but I started to read books and became enlightned, then around christmas last year he was terrible to me in the face for the first time and was so cruel,it all came to a head and Icould see it for what it was and im with him due to my disabilities but Im cut off emotionally and I can never cover it up ever again and have told some people as hardly anyone knew before, he has worn me down somuch over the years and blamed me. An exellent book to open your eyes to the truth is Why does he do that by Lundy Bancroft,he tries to help abusers and knows all of their tactics also Patricia Evans books on verbal abuse are very very good as well . Glad you have your moms support that is important, he has also suceeded in hurting her and making her feel guilty when all she is doing is the normal things the brides Mom would do, these men are very jealous and mine got very much worse after the birth of our son as they have to be the only one in your life and don’t like to share you, many ladies lose friends due to this and many decent men take on a child that is not their own, it will take time to get over this, you will need help and support, but you can have
a better future xx
1st May 2016 at 11:48 am #15987
Regards her crying, abusers have no compassion for anyone but themselves, even a baby who is helpless, you are walking on eggshells with him,the stress will be making you ill
1st May 2016 at 11:52 am #15990
Thanks godschild, I’ll look into this books you mentioned.
Yes white rose, I just need to tell him it’s nor going ahead. I will ring women’s aid and get some help now. I still feel like could we work it out? But yes I am worried about the violence. He’s never gone for me though but guess it can escalate. I could talk to health visitor but I worry they might take baby away? He wouldn’t let me speak to them when I was exhausted I just wanted advice about her sleeping but he thought that they’d take her away and would mark us down as needing help so I just needed to cope.
It’s hard isn’t it, we doubt ourselves? I hate this. I feel guilty that he won’t get married. I keep seeing his good side but I know it never lasts xx
1st May 2016 at 12:43 pm #15993
He is away and just rang me as I wasn’t replying to texts. He’s being so nice! Guess that’s what happens. Hard when they’re nice and say lovely things it makes you think it’s in your head and all will be fine. X*x
1st May 2016 at 1:50 pm #15995Falling SkysParticipant
I stay with mine so they didn’t come from a broken home. The reality is they lived in ir, which had broken them. My daughter goes from one abuser to another. My son is abusive. Both learnt behaviour. Now as I am breaking free I am the one that is ignored because I am the one changing.
As soon as mine could sense I going to leave he became loving and attentive making me feel like I had exaggerate his behaviour. Don’t become caught me n the abuse, nice, sorry it will never happen again cycle.
1st May 2016 at 1:51 pm #15996
Yes that very typical, its good to write down the awful things he has done when you feel like this. Ive been sucked into this cycle for decades and even now I feel drawn to him but keep resisting as I know it will not last.
We all desperately beleive they will change and it will all be ok but it never happens and we close our mind time and time again to what they keep doing xx
1st May 2016 at 2:33 pm #15997
Thanks both. That’s my biggest fear, my daughter growing up to have a life of abuse as she thinks it’s normal. I’d feel dreadful.
I’ve looked up that book by Lundy Bancroft, looks great thanks godschild.
I still need to get round to ringing Women’s aid. I must do it as I know it will help Me. I don’t want to be stuck for decades in this cycle I really don’t. I hope you’re both doing OK and thank you x*x
1st May 2016 at 3:25 pm #16001
Dear Mellowyellow, i havn’t read your post properly yet as in the middle of things, i will read it later today. I had huge doubts prior to my wedding, a voice inside me told me not to do it. But by then it was all booked, all guests invited etc, i did not cancel it for those reasons. I was scared stiff and knew I was making a mistake. Fast forward (detail removed by Moderator) years (my child producing years) and we split up. My marriage was not happy and we wern’t suited. I should have listened to my gut instinct, i think you should listen to your gut instinct, someone said to me once your instinct is never wrong. X*X
1st May 2016 at 7:54 pm #16027
Thanks healthy archive. Please let me know if yyou read the rest of it. I feel like that – all invitations are done etc. Silly really. Yes my gut and especially after he punched the cd player, in my head i thought I do not love you and I felt like I was having a panic attack I was scared. I know it’s not right but I am sad for what might have been? Sad that we won’t hbe a family. Sad about the holiday that won’t happen. It’s really silly! I need to be happy. Ii can’t live walking on egg shells waiting for him to b**w again and saying I’ve not cleaned the house enough. X*x
1st May 2016 at 8:44 pm #16034LisaMain Moderator
Welcome to the Forum and thank you for sharing with us. I’m glad you found us so I hope you find the support you are looking for.
I am sorry to hear about what you are going through because of your partner’s behaviour, you must be exhausted dealing with his unpredictable behaviour and outbursts. Your partner is being abusive towards you and as already said, the abuse tends to escalate. You shouldn’t feel on edge and scared in a relationship. It is difficult enough being a parent without having to deal with an abusive partner who does not support you, but actually makes life harder for you. You and your daughter deserve so much better. Only you can decide what to do but there is a lot of support available along the way. It is brilliant you have support of your family too.
If you are able to call the 24hr National Domestic Violence Helpline (0808 2000 247) the Helpline Workers will be able to discuss any options with you as well signpost you to other helpful organisations. They can also act as a listening service if you would just like to talk about what is happening with your partner.
Keep posting to us when you can, we will always be here for you.
1st May 2016 at 8:29 pm #16031
I got married, it didn’t work out and we got divorced many years ago. I always said to myself If I ever got married again I would have to be 1000% sure of every single thing. Marriage is so hard, i’m sure for the best of couples who are well suited and in love, marriage is hard work. If there is any slight c***k in the armour the rigors of marriage will bring it down. I don’t have children but I can imagine, once a newborn baby arrives the pressures on the couple become huge, your baby must be so precious to you both. I didn’t get why he didn’t want people at work to see pictures of you pregnant, also being rude to your parents is horrible. Kicking the dog made me shudder and to be possessive is worrying. Can you delay the wedding? honestly, i had no idea about marriage. But as soon as that ring was on my finger, you are entering a whole new ball game, its serious and not easy to get out of. For me anyway. I felt emotionally tied and wanted to get out many years before i actually did. I am currently recovering from a mentally abusive relationship. I ended the relationship as he was abusive & i knew in my heart that Is not what i’m here for. Despite that I’m going through such devastingly painful trauma bonding and grieving, i feel that I love him still and miss him terribly. The point i’m trying to make is the pain of the break up is something that has to be endured but to enter into something where you already have doubts, i think you need to listen to those. X
1st May 2016 at 8:32 pm #16032
ps, I would cancel a wedding regardless of invites, dresses, guests etc and wish I had done that previously. I am wiser now. X
1st May 2016 at 8:39 pm #16033
Now i think about it, I went to counselling just prior to our wedding because I had HUGE doubts and couldn’t work out what to do. At that time I thought I had issues with myself as I was shy and lacking in confidence. But I realize now the counselling that I was having was because I knew I was making a monumental mistake and I didn’t know how to put it right. I went through with the wedding, lovely guy but huge mistake, i wasted my child bearing years when I could have met Mr Right and had it all. Any doubts at all, please think very carefully.
1st May 2016 at 8:55 pm #16038
You will feel sad and grieve for what you have lost, but better to do that now than more years up the line when even more damage has been done to you and your Daughter, hurting animals is another absolute sign of abuse.
Do be careful how you end this though as he will very likely react in a bad way, get support and advise from WA first, get a WA local support worker to help you xx
1st May 2016 at 10:25 pm #16047
Thank you Lisa. I keep saying I will call and I haven’t yet…I guess I’m trying to convince myself all is OK. I will call first thing for definite though. I am so exhausted and only recently realised he is the reason why I’m finding it hard still when our baby is no longer newborn! It should be much easier now but I can’t keep to his high standards and run the house and try and suppress myself by staying in all day or at least a few days a week, just so he doesn’t worry.
Thank you again godschild and healthy archive. Sorry for your pain too. I don’t want to get married to then get divorced. Even more heartache! I am coming to the realisation that j am being emotionally abused. It’s taken a long time but I’ve realised this isn’t normal and it’s not fair on me. I do have to think about what’s next and how I prepare to go with my baby as a) he will talk me round or try, I know it or b) he may get angry. Or both. But I will get some support by calling and I am so lucky to have my family here for me.
And you guys, thank you. Now I know Im not mad and not a bad person cos I can’t clean the house constantly and want to see friends most days. I wish I’d stop burying my head in the sand sooner. It’s only recently where he’s so fired and angry and moody that he takes it on me everyday, where as before he would have a mood once a month…then weekly. It’s escalated. I know, the poor dog. I love her and have a bond with her also, which made it hard for me to leave before the baby, as crazy as that sounds. I get very attached to people and animals, I can’t let people go easily I am very sensitive.
Anyway, I will update you all and thank you x*x
1st May 2016 at 10:32 pm #16048
Cancelling a wedding will be hassle, stress and possibly embarrassment……..for a while.
But this is best to do if you have series doubts, don’t do what I did & waste precious years of your life. X
1st May 2016 at 10:43 pm #16050
Oh and he didn’t want pictures of me pregnant or people to know as without saying too much, his job was in the public domain and he thought criminals may find out from social media sites that we were going to have a baby and would target him. It was very paranoid as I had a private profile. I tried to get him to see my point but he wouldn’t. I had to hide my lovely news. I could tell people to their face or on the phone though. I couldn’t see his point of view but he couldn’t see mine but his view was railways right? He got annoyed about this for months! Kept saying but you still don’t agree do you? I’d say no, but I respect your view and so I won’t post things. But he’d be annoyed I didn’t understand why he was so angry. Hope that makes sense?
Are these abusers always grumpy and tired? He is always tired and asks if he can have a nap so this basically means can I keep the baby quiet or take her out. He brings me down as everyday he says he’s tired and miserable or ill. It’s very draining and I just wondered if this was something to do with their personalities or if it’s just him? X*x
1st May 2016 at 10:45 pm #16051
Thanks healthy archive. Yes i need to think of the long run rather than short term embarrassment. I don’t want to waste what should be the best years of my life. X*x
1st May 2016 at 11:12 pm #16054SilkyHalideParticipant
I was in same position as you, getting married with baby, I did have pnd. but I didn’t know as clearly as you describe that I was being abused. I was unsure but put it down to my pnd. I worried my pnd was a reason I shouldn’t go ahead with marriage until I was better and sure. I had been sure before the pregnancy though. So I discarded my doubts.
I now see that I should have listened to my gut feelings. I didn’t begin to see until I realised my children were suffering too and it’s still then has taken a number of years to trust my gut and get out.
2nd May 2016 at 8:20 am #16068
Thanks Silkyhalide. Poor you, PND sounds awful. I really thought I had it as I kept crying everyday and couldn’t work out why. I kept feeling out of my depth but that’s not like me. It’s funny you say that, as before the baby I didn’t really have doubts, maybe at times but it’s only recently I’ve been thinking shall I leave him? I’ve not seen him for a few days and it’s like I’ve forgotten the abuse. Is that normal? I keep forgetting how horrible he fan be, just because I’ve not seen him. It’s madness! Xx
2nd May 2016 at 8:54 am #16076White RoseParticipant
Him being away from you for a few days has given you time to breathe and collect your thoughts and possibly relax a bit. Has ypur daughter been any more settled? Babies have a habit of picking up on mum’s stress and anxiety.
Try to ring the helpline today.
Read your earlier posts to remind yourself why you came on here. He won’t change. He’s shown he can be violent. Keep safe and go with your gut instinct. I think you’re right to pull out now and I bet there’ll be a few on your guest list who’ll feel the same as you but they’re too polite to say it x*x
2nd May 2016 at 6:19 pm #16129
Thanks white rose. Yes i think there will be some that would be relieved for me if I left him. Yes thank you, we went to see my parents and we had such a nice time. She was very happy! He’s back later and we came home and she’s since been very grouchy so perhaps she can tell I’m on edge waiting for him to get back or she knows the house is tense? He is all smiles and happiness though via text, can’t wait to see us. But the house is a mess where I’ve not put her down as she’s been upset I’ve not had time to tidy and now it’s her bedtime. It is a mess but just leftover food from her dinner and toys on the floor and food out in kit chen. I am quite a messy person but I don’t mean it. I guess I should be better but it’s hard sometimes.
Thanks, I am going to call now finally and stop putting it off. I’ve just re read my post to remind me x*x
2nd May 2016 at 10:23 pm #16161KIP.Participant
Hi there, Google ‘cycle of abuse’ in domestic abuse. It was a real eye opener for me. The love bombing, then the walking on egg shells, then the explosions of temper. Then it builds up again. Abuse only gets worse. I thought I had pnd but it was abuse. I just didn’t recognise it at the time. And the doctors didn’t pick up on it either. I felt isolated, out of my depth, tired all the time, weepy, depressed and anxious. It lasted 15 years before I finally found women’s aid and was told about abusive men. I just couldn’t believe or accept it x it’s hard to accept that someone you love and you think loves you, would abuse and destroy you for,their own control. Keep posting x
3rd May 2016 at 9:38 am #16198
Thanks Kip. That’s exactly how I feel, out of my depth and stressed out. He is being so nice and said he realised how horrible he is as he’s been away and is so sorry. It’s so hard to think that someone that’s meant to love you can abuse you, it’s really hard to accept and deal with. I can see why it took you so long. The good times are so good but sometimes so few and far between. I just want to believe that he has changed and things will be better forever but I have a feeling they won’t be. I had texted to say please don’t moan house is a mess, it’s been hard to get it all done but he came n and said Oh don’t worry about that! But actually I’d got quite a lot done.
I just keep thinking he’s moody but I’m understanding this is abuse as it definitely goes in a cycle. I need to be strong and make a decision about the wedding as it’s fast approaching and there are balances to pay and I Don’t want lots of money to be lost
Thank you xx
3rd May 2016 at 11:25 am #16204
Mine can also be really nice its been like that for decades part of cycle that never ends, its easy for them to say sorry but they dont change, unless he is willing to do what it takes, you could suggest he goes on a perpetrator course if he really is sorry, you will be able to tell by his reaction if he is sincere. they come back and act as thought they haven’t done that much and that sorry is enough to cover it all, he also will see that you asked him not to start over the house, so he sees that it is affecting you when he does.
Mine will say horrible things then when he changes from Jeckle to hyde,he minimises them and says he was just angry or that he only said it because we were arguing.
I bet now if you challenged him on his behavoir he would go off again.
If I were you I would not entertain getting married at this point at all, even if you give him a chance and he is willing to get proper help and stick to it,which most arnt,you are giving yourself and time to see,point him to Respect who run perpertrator courses all over the country this wont change if you carry on and marry him, for a few men calling off the wedding would be a wake up call, he needs to do more than say sorry, words are cheap, if he wants to marry you he needs to work hard and show real change for a couple of years,some books like Lundy bancroft have a list that shows if they are changing or not,do contact WA they will be able to supprt you through this
7th May 2016 at 2:10 am #16588StarmoonParticipant
Hi I’m so glad that you’ve had lots of replies as this is defiantly abuse. You could literally be me with everything you’ve said. I also have a young baby and our stories match almost to a tee.
I just wanted to show some support but I will reply with more substance in the morning xx
7th May 2016 at 7:09 am #16590Eve1Participant
In very worried for you and wanted to show you some support. Your story sounds very much like mine, in as much as the abuse was so much worse after I had a child. He definitely sounds abusive and as others have said, it only gets worse. I also completely understand how hard it would be to cancel a wedding. I put my feelings down to nerves before I married my abusive husband, but I now realise my instincts were telling me to get away from him. I felt completely alone with this feeling (it was decades ago and I don’t think there was the widespread knowledge of abuse that there is now) and couldn’t face lettering everyone down, or the shame and embarrassment. But I wished I’d listened to that little voice. It sounds like you have some support from home already which is great. I hope you’re able to ring women’s aid and keep getting advice and support.
7th May 2016 at 7:09 am #16591
The odd occasion of being nice thrown in the with generally bad behaviour is tactical and deliberate to keep us confused and in the relationship, it called Intermittent Reinforcement and is described as the most powerful motivator on the planet , have a look at 30 Covert Emotional Manipulation Tactics there is a whole chapter on it. X*X (this book really helped me)
7th May 2016 at 9:21 am #16599SilkyHalideParticipant
Yes mine went away frequently on business and I liked having the space doing my own thing and then when he came back things felt better for a short time and I bought into that “absence makes the heart grow fonder” theory. In reality in a healthy relationship you shouldn’t need breaks from them to feel valued or to be able to have your own choices. At work I would look forward to going home to him and then get home and remember or be reminded of the reality, drama, blame and eggshells. Like you say it’s like I would forget what the reality was and remember what I thought life should be like instead.
26th May 2016 at 7:51 pm #18045
Hi all, I’m back. Thanks for the recent messages. I’m relieved to head others are having very similar stories. Please share starmoon, we can all try and help.
Well it’s (detail removed by Moderator) till the wedding and I’ve not cancelled it. We were getting on very well and then a few things happened. I wanted to see my parents as he was out for the day at football but he said his work were picking up his car so I had to stay In until (detail removed by Moderator). He didn’t know what time they were coming but that messed with my plans. He said it was just one thing he asked of me and it wasn’t his fault. He said he didn’t have the no but I found it on the keys and they were closed! So I went out. I’ve still not had a lie in despite asking for one for month’s. He says he gets up for work at 5.30 and needs his sleep. I have had broken sleep with a baby for (detail removed by Moderator) months and I’m exhausted. He said her nappy was wet this morning while I was trying to get ready. It was (detail removed by Moderator) and I’d been up since (detail removed by Moderator) and said please can he change it then! He said no he had just woken up. I then confronted him about it tonight and said he just doesn’t do enough. He said he cooks and cleans and works and so he can’t! And not to moan at him. I admit I find it hard to make dinner and clean as I find motherhood very draining and tiring. I do try and clean. I said how about he entertains her while I clean? But je said no cos I don’t do it to his standard.
I am so upset, I feel there’s no love but feel trapped as we have a young baby.
I promise to call tomorrow as I need to sort this! He also doesn’t want me to work as doesn’t want her in nursery till she’s at least (detail removed by Moderator). This scares me as I want to have my own money to go out. I don’t want to just sit in and not have independence. Thank you all x
26th May 2016 at 8:20 pm #18046
Oh and I’m in the bad books cos I have been ‘flirting’ with someone on a social media site, and keep putting two kisses after my message when I comment on a male friend’s status. He said I’ve done it for month’s but only just bright it up when I brought up him not helping with the baby enough. I would never flirt and now I feel guilty and now he doesn’t trust me like he used to. Although I’m not even sure we will stay together anyway. I don’t know what to do, the wedding is so close and everyone keeps saying oh are you excited? But I just feel tired and get headaches and don’t feel loved. Maybe I expect too much? Doesn’t feel like love though. I’ve ruined my life although I have a wonderful daughter but I was so independent and happy before, had a great job. Now I have nothing really apart from my lovely baby and good friends and family although I don’t want to talk to friends as much as I feel I’m living a lie x
26th May 2016 at 9:34 pm #18047SaharaDParticipant
Hi Mellow Yellow
Please don’t marry him. It will only get worse.
I married an abuser but I didn’t know that was what he was. However, I had absolutely no doubts about my wedding day and it is still one of the happiest days of my life.
DON’T MARRY ANY ONE IF YOU ARE UNSURE OR UNHAPPY.
Please cancel and move back with your parents. You can Co-parent and live separate independent lives.
26th May 2016 at 9:40 pm #18048SaharaDParticipant
Abuse of the mother has a very bad effect on the children. Don’t put your child through it. They will not remember under age one but after they will suffer if you are having symptoms of being abused.
Your child deserves a happy mum more than they need a mum and dad together.
I lived with an abusive father. I watch verbally abuse and insult my mother and her family to no end. He even insulted them at my wedding in his speech. And guess what I married an abusive man because I normalised abusive behaviour.
It’s wrong. Don’t put up with it or make excuses. Also if he pushes or shoves you the is physical abuse and also if he destroys any of your things or the household things, is also physical abuse because it is a threat.
26th May 2016 at 10:21 pm #18052
Hi, good to hear from you, have been wondering if were going ahead with wedding, been thinking of you, he will most likey get worse if you marry him.
I personally would cancel , get a WA support worker to help you be strong and help you through it x
26th May 2016 at 10:25 pm #18054
Thank you SaharaD. I feel very weak. I’ve used so much of my savings on the wedding. He needs to pay me back but can’t at the mo and just said well I was the one who wanted a honeymoon and an expensive dress so it’s my fault we’ve paid out for those. I also said can we go our at the weekend as a family as we never do. He just wants to sit in and i sit in all week with the baby. He goes to football or sits in and watches football. He said I’m not to put pressure on him and ask for a day out as we’ve got no money. I just meant a drive, doesn’t have to be expensive.
I feel so torn. Thank you x
26th May 2016 at 10:27 pm #18055
Thanks Godchild. I thought I’d better update everyone. Nice to know people care 🙂 I am so weak, I must call first thing to help me through. I can’t seem to call it off yet I know in my heart deep down it’s all so wrong. I just want a happy life the three of us and feel like a failure. X
27th May 2016 at 9:02 am #18074
His alarm has been going off for about half hour! I’ve been up with the baby for hours. He says he’s tired and needs a lie in but I desperately need one and if I ask he ignores my request! I am so upset as I had savings when I met him and due to him not having any I’ve spent money on things around the house and he can’t afford to pay it back.i feel like if I leave I’ll have nothing and will take a long time to rebuild. It’s the final countdown to the wedding and I feel worried and not excited at all. Maybe a touch to put on my dress but I don’t feel as brides would normally. We have a holiday booked and I’m so excited though. But know that’s not a reason to just go through with it x
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