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Things were great at the start, and some days are still great now. But he keeps going quiet and in moods with me which makes me feel like I’ve done something wrong. I ask what’s up, but he just says I’m irritating him by asking and that I’m being oversensitve. Then it feels like I really have done wrong. I end up apologising for nothing. He doesn’t like the fact I get upset and instantly says “stop crying there’s no need”. He’s not an emotional person. Recently I feel like I’m asking for affection and love to be shown. I feel unwanted but I am doing so much for us as he lost his job and I am paying for everything for the past (Detail removed by moderator) months. It doesn’t feel like I’m asking for much in return. He’s told me if he wants to leave he’ll pack his bag when I’m at work. Now I’m at work for (Detail removed by moderator) hours and I’m scared he’s going to leave. I’m so confused because the good days are good but the bad days are awful and he can just switch from one to the other. I’ve started self harming too and have to ring the samaritans on a weekly basis.
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My ex sulks, grumps, blames for Britain. He does as you describe. Well done for using the Samaritans. Please make contact with WA so they can support you through your next moves. It is passive aggression and it is horrible and confusing. It is also abusive and controlling.
My ex sometimes storms out of the house in a self-generated rage. I was still emotionally attached to him and worried about him for a long time when he did it. These days his behaviour just frightens me.
He is threatening to leave in order to frighten you and control you. It is really nasty behaviour. Absolutely everything to do with him and nothing to do with you. I have spent so many years harming myself on behalf of other people.
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Hi Confusedaboutit.
Based upon the information that you have provided here I’m going to go against the status quo, which I do on rare occassions. As I am capable of seeing different angles of things. I’m not taking either side. Just seeing both.
You stated that everything was great and still
is.
*He is having mood swings…..(he lost his job). For some men this is very difficult.
*Your asking if he’s okay, what’s up. He is stating your being oversensitive. (he may be thinking…..and just needs space).You stated he is not an emotional person. There is nothing wrong with that. (As long as he has emotions and feels). Some people are reserved in their emotions or have more control over them at times.
“He told me if he wants to leave he’ll pack his bag when I’m at work.” (Did you ask him if he wants to leave or end the relationship?). That is a huge red flag in relationships and communication, it creates negative thoughts many times where there aren’t any. Negative thoughts turn into issues. It’s either party putting that idea in place.
Based on what is written here, it sounds like the two of you are just different people that need to learn better communication (verbal, ques, body language, moods) and get to really know eachother better over time.
Relax, stop worrying, don’t ask him if he is okay every ten minutes, be at ease and let things take there natural course.
Focus on you, self-confidence, yourself in general. Working at work, enjoying what you do. You can not control someone else’s action anyway!
See if you see a big difference. This will take some time to come about. And again, I’ve based this only on what you have written here.
Here when you need to talk. Hugs.
Chickadee
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Self harming because of someone else’s behaviour is a huge red flag. Having lived with an abuser I know their games. Telling you he would leave while you were at work is designed to make you anxious. He knows by planting this though it will cause huge anxiety. This man is causing your mental health to suffer, and physical health. His behaviour is devious and calculated designed to ruin your mental health. You are doing nothing wrong. You are being abused. Making excuses for his behaviour is dangerous. We minimise their behaviour as a coping mechanism but I can see through your abusers dysfunctional behaviour because I have walked in your shoes x
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His behaviour is designed to prevent you from leaving. My ex did the same. His mind games would increase until I stopped going out and stayed at home where he wanted me. Another tactic was to go nuts when I returned. This behaviour is designed to control us. Abusers want us around where they can keep us under control. I eventually had to give up work because of his affect on my mental health. I became a shell of a person.
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I totally agree with KIP. Your abuser is frightening you into not going away. He is mashing your head. We become afraid of what we might come back to. We become trapped by fear. It is their behaviour causing this. I really thought I’d never be able to disentangle myself from my ex. It all seemed far too complicated. Baby steps. For you to realise that there is something really wrong and to be posting here about it is a really good move.
I still self harm on behalf of other people although finally I am understanding the behaviour for what it is and beginning to understand that I don’t have to.
It has taken a long time coming, far too long, but now I see my ex as a (Detail removed by Moderator). I doubt the police will do anything with him. He has sought therapy then blamed the therapist. He won’t listen to his gp, or me. I am reeling from his behaviour. Really angry. He had me truly trapped.
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Hi Confusedaboutit,
Welcome to the Forum and thank you for sharing with us. I hope you find the support you are looking for here with other Survivors who understand what you are going through.
I am sorry to hear of the abuse you are experiencing because of your partner. You are not overthinking it, there is never a valid reason for abuse to happen. Feeling on edge constantly because of his words and his behaviour must be exhausting. Abuse is about control.
Well done for reaching out to the Samaritans. It takes a lot of courage to reach out for support so I hope you are finding the Samaritans helpful. Do you have any other support in place? Your local support group can offer ongoing emotional and practical support. You can find details of your local group here.
The 24hr National Domestic Violence Helpline is also available on 0808 2000 247. The Helpline Workers will listen to you without judgement and discuss any options available based on your circumstances as well as signpost you to other helpful organisations.Try not to doubt yourself. There are real reasons you are seeking support and feel the way you do. There is a lot of support available to you; you don’t have to go through this on your own.
Keep posting to us, we are here every step of the way.
Best wishes,
Lisa
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