Unsure of his behaviour

[Time 2 change]

Hi, I have been with partner for a long time nearly half my life. We have two lovely children and a lovely house. From going back to work after looking after the children I am thinking my relationship hasn’t been that great. Last year was tough as in the summer partner would tell me why don’t you move out and find someone else. He goes to the pub almost every night after work so I rarely see him. He calls me names that aren’t particularly nice. People have said i am being mentally abused but i am not sure and would really like some advice. He is very stressed with work and we could loose business and house. This (removed by moderator) whilst I was crying he said he is fed up with me crying, that I don’t understand how stressed he is, then went on to say why don’t I kill myself. I am now wanting to leave but he said I can either stay or leave without the kids. What should I do? Thanks for reading this

[Dragon]

I am sorry you are going through this, it sounds horrible. Have you called Womens Aid? They could help with where you stand with leaving as I don’t think he can stipulate that you leave without the kids. Have you got somewhere to go? Xx

[Time 2 change]

Thank you for your reply, I haven’t called womens aid but next week I have my second appointment with a counsellor, a meeting with the citizens advice bureau and seeing someone at the children’s school about my options. My mum is close by but only has a one bed place. Partner seems to call friends and family names too, not sure if I am overreacting to his personality which is why I decided to see a counsellor

[KIP.]

Make sure your counsellor is experienced in domestic abuse because that’s exactly what you’re going through. Imagine a man like him treating your sister or daughter like that. It’s completely unacceptable. I’d speak to a solicitor too. Most offer free initial advice. Definitely get in touch with women’s aid.

[diymum@1]

Theses men are controlling and they take the reigns when things start to go downhill. But it’s only gone this way because of his actions xx this is emotional abuse. Don’t take instruction from him make sure what ever happens the kids are with you and try to keep the house xx get some advice from the solicitor he is not a reliable opinion xx you have to put u and the kids first because abusive men always make sure that they’re ok they don’t care if anyone else is xx telling you to kill yourselve is just awful don’t down play this as it’s cruel behaviour on his part xx

[Time 2 change]

Thank you for your messages, I really thought it was best to carry on as I never wanted my children to have parents that aren’t together. We never married so not sure whether that is better for separating with children. Will find a solicitor to talk to as well then. I have read some other messages here and my situation isn’t really that bad, feel like I am overeacting?

[Escapee]

I made excuse after excuse for my husband…. he’s stressed, he’s tired and so on, just like you are doing.

Many of us have done the same and then one day you realise that you’ve been lying to yourself for years and his behaviour has no excuse. Just because he doesn’t hit you doesn’t mean he’s not abusive. A decent man would not call you names or belittle others. A decent man would show you respect, treat you as his equal and talk to you.

Xx

[KIP.]

Your counsellor, if she’s experienced in abuse should be explaining that victims minimise abuse as a coping mechanism. If you’re brain was to accept the horrible truth then it would be overwhelming for you. So you protect yourself. Abuse creeps up on us over a period of time, slowly getting worse. Like putting the frog in warm water and slowly heating it to boiling, if you put it straight into boiling water it would jump out. It’s shocking to hear that your life partner and the person who is supposed to love and protect you would tell you to go kill yourself and wouldn’t comfort you when you’re upset. Imagine him doing that the first week you dated him. You would dump him in a minute. He’s a nasty selfish despicable person just from what you’ve said and no you’re not overreacting, you deserve so much more x

[Camel]

Never think you are over-reacting. You are allowed to feel the way you do. You don’t need to label his behaviour as abusive in order to give yourself permission to leave. He’s behaving like a complete ars*hole and making you thoroughly miserable. Dare I say you don’t need a counsellor to tell you that you shouldn’t feel obligated to tolerate this. Your happiness, and that of your children, should not be dependent upon the vagaries of his mood. Good luck and keep posting x

[diymum@1]

Your not over reacting xx it is abuse xx 😘

[Time 2 change]

Again thank you for your messages. I understand what you are all saying but why am I not believing it is abuse. A few people have said I keep making excuses and I do blame myself as he had to provide for me for (detail removed by moderator) years whilst I had no job, this was so I could look after the children instead of paying for childcare. Lots of friends have said I deserve better, again I am having trouble believing this.

[KIP.]

Google cognitive dissonance in domestic abuse x

[fizzylem]

He actually has no power here to say stay or go but the kids are staying T2C; if the kids are old enough then they can decide for themselves; if you have always been the primary carer then they will stay or go with you; if he’s at work and then the pub he’s not caring for any of you is he, he’s financially supporting you only and it sounds like he’s struggling to do this as well atm too x

[Time 2 change]

Thank you for your message and I think you have got that right. He is financially supporting us and that is all. I have done the accounts for his business for years now so he is my boss and partner, really not the best decision I made. I received a weird text the other night saying I’m not the problem that his business and his own and that he may move out within the week and has stuff to sort. I am still not sure if that message was meant for me as all he said when I asked about it was don’t worry your brain!

[KIP.]

He’s playing games with you. You need to take control here. Stop listening to a word he says. Take copies of all the finances, banks accounts etc. Behind the scenes he will be working to leave you with nothing.

[fizzylem]

Yes agree with KIP, if you can get copies of any financials it would be wise to get these; dont under estimate what he will stoop to, he will amaze you at the depths he is willing to go to; I never imagined it would ever get as bad as it did for us on the day I asked him to leave. Might seem extreme but if he goes change the locks and from this point onwards make sure he has an appointment for anything; it sounds like he’s trying to keep you out of the financials doesn’t it so this is because he is in more trouble than he’s letting on or he’s plotting how to get out with giving you as little as he can get away with. You could get a free half hour or so with a solictor, might be worth getting one of these appointments to discuss the business aspect to establish your rights and his x

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