Unsure of myself

[PersonalPolitical]

I have been feeling torn between staying and asking to go to refuge with my child(and then feeling like an intruder).
I feel like most women have it much worse than me, that maybe it is just me not being capable enough in dealing with the situation(as in I should be more savvy and advanteogus and ignore him being an a*s hole every day).
But I keep failing and I can’t do much right. I just want to fall through the ground or however they say that. Whatever passion or inspiration or a plan I’ve got somehow it all gets suffocated when I’m being treated as if I should only care for home and made feel as if I’m not doing that well either, when I can feel when’s the next time he might want to have sex even tho I’ve never said we’re back together, when I’m fearing to ask for or buying something, when the simple ways which I want to live by aren’t respected and when I realise I’m isolated and the only person I have to talk to(other than my barely talking child)is someone who doesn’t even take me seriously and waits to dismiss me.

I don’t want to live like this and I’m not sure I deserved this. At some point in my life I felt I was young person with some chances in life. After this relationship progressed I started feeling like nothing.

[iwillbeok]

Hi hon, I know that it can seem like so many others have it worse. But this is our worst. This is still abuse. We also deserve to live without fear, without intimidation, without guilt, without walking on eggshells. I was in a very long term, very subtly abusive marriage for decades. I did not see it was abuse until it escalated quite suddenly. Once out I saw my marriage for what it truly was, not ‘just the way he is’ or ‘he’s just work stressed right now’ or ‘I just can’t get it right – what’s wrong with me?’ or ‘if I can just get on top of everything we’ll be right again’. One thing I did that made things clearer after I got out was to write a list – anything, any little thing that he used to do that I didn’t like. It felt at first like I was just a whining wife but gradually the picture became very clear that he was a controlling, angry man who blamed me for all his problems. Even the little things like always having to rush my glass of wine when out because he said it was time to go showed a lack of respect. I did everything – and I mean everything for him. He played the victim – the world was so confusing and stressful. I was the one who filled in forms (even his work forms sometimes!!), did the paying for shopping/restaurants/bills. He projected infidelity, manipulation and passive aggression onto me. I felt guilty as I had made mistakes along the way – but I see them more and more clearly now as reactions to his treatment of me. He taught me to be secretive, to hide away and isolate myself, to be nasty, to be weak, to lie, to avoid.

But hon, there is a silver lining to this story. There is a better life for us. Being free of him brought me such relief and while it was hard work to get through the F.O.G. (fear, obligation and guilt); and while it is difficult at times with the loneliness (I was a lot more lonely when I was with him!) I find strength in being heard, being able to make my own decisions, being free of the awful atmosphere that hung over our home.

You’ve done the right thing reaching out – we’ll support you through this. Speak to someone in real life? A trusted friend? Your GP? Phone WA? Break the silence.

x*x iwillbeok

[PersonalPolitical]

Unfortunatley I don’t have any friends here and I’ve got none left from home(country)either.
My family(all but my brother who’s not very interested in listening to me)is pretty much blaming me for the situation I am in and saying as if it was just me being moody while my partner is just fine and someone to work things out with.
He set the bathroom on fire while me and my child were in the apartment and still I’m the one who’s worse in their eyes somehow.
He said he was only trying to harm himself and from what he told me the police commented, they pretty much blamed me as well. One of the people who talked to him after he was arrested told him something in sense that I’m”playing games”.
He set the fire after I’ve demanded of him to stop blackmailing me that he’ll do something unless I say I’m with him.
I have been telling him for almost months we’re not together-he never respected that, he kept coming to bed and acting like everything is normal. I’ve told him we’re not together anymore and that we can work things out after some time, after break. It has been about three weeks he has let me be and I decided to go out. I got raped and at that point I haven’t realised what’s going on and went back to meet my rapist who had raped me again in return.
He hasn’t cared about what I was telling him at the time about the person that raped me or that I had to go for 2 morning after pills in 2 weeks. He just acted jealous until finally he set the fire.
It’s been over a year since that. No need to mention he never got any better. He will still say that when it suits me I’ll say it was rape(I confided to him before that about my past as well), “everything is rape to me”, if he’s given chance. Or the fact that I went back to that person makes me saying I was raped a lie.

Ever since things have been getting worse. I have been physically violent to him few times(and he of course, made sure to give me back properly). I’ve been close to nervous breakdown. I have a hard time relating to my child on daily basis and he’s not being caring to our child to compensate any of my lackings then or now.

I will contact WA soon again and will try to leave as soon as possible. He’s out of town in next two weeks. I’ll try to use it as an opportunity to leave in peace. It’s not fair to my child to stay.
I’m just hurt every day by seeing how he’s nasty to me completely unprovoked and what mindset he had about me whole time. I’m already gone in my mind therefore I’m not paying attention to things I would make fight out of before. But he’s the same, I can notice his moods have not much to do with how I act or feel on daily basis.

Thanks @iwillbeok. I’m glad you found peace

[lover of no contact]

Hi and welcome PersonalPolitical,

You will find strength, gain more awareness and learn from our experiences on here. That was a horrific thing he did setting the bathroom on fire by him to assert, maintain and regain control and then blaming you for his behaviour.

Keep reading and posting. You will get the guidance to leave this abusive relationship from that and the strength you need. You are right. You and your child do not deserve to live like this.

[Anonymous]

I thought I may comment on the “everything is rape” aspect. My partner was intoxicated after a party and tried to force oral sex on me. I was angry, upset, and humiliated. I told him it was assault and now he insists I fabricate stories about rape, that it was a joke and that I was laughing and smiling when he did it and he thinks that I am going to have him arrested when it suits me, or that I am secretly planning things.

It’s absolutely BS. He gets drunk, acts like this, and I am the bad person!

[PersonalPolitical]

@lover of no contact thanks for your support.

@Anonymous I’m enraged about what happened to you, I’ve never meet your partner but I hate him from bottom of my soul. In fact I have been angry for a long time now since discovering radical feminism, even more so than before. I just hate what is happening to women every day, what we have to go through because of men’s inhumanity.
I want to get out of this as soon as possible to help women like you(and me)and the ones who haven’t yet experienced this but may well about to.

It is unfair, it’s just unfair!

I’m about to go for a talk soon to Women’s Aid. I have a feeling like I would be burdening women there and who volunteer there but I feel I’ve got not much choice at this point.
I hope I’ll be able to get away soon and start life anew.

My main worry atm is taking care of my son. I’m irritable all the time and I feel like parenting wasn’t for me in the first place. I was hoping my partner would help with raising our son and that he’ll get balanced care that way but it has been my son and me alone for the most of the time for almost two years. It’s been a torture for me but I feel I’m not allowed to say that as a parent.

[PersonalPolitical]

Well I’ve been to WA and I’ve got some reassurance…I’m close to making my exit plan, I think, but then again my situation isn’t straightforward so I’m bit torn. I’ll have legal counselling soon as well. Meanwhile he’s getting worse(as I described in other posts)and I feel it more and more unbearable to live with him.

If nothing else I have met some mums for playdates-it makes it a lot easier to be more active with my child and focus on him. Also other people treating me like I’m somewhat normal person helps(or at least they’re nice because I have a child).

I’m also hoping to invite my family for the Summer if the situation gets complicated(which I predict).

I’m exhausted and fearing for my child’s and mine future. I just want this to end and breathe again.

[Author]

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