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Hi I’m new here, I made this account a few months ago but then things got better. My friend came over after a few months and I opened up on some things with my partner. I love him but he’s made some mistakes. (Detail removed by moderator) months ago he grabbed me and threw me on the bed screaming in my face when he was drunk. After it happened I think he was shocked at what he did and knew he went too far. When the shock wore off I confronted him and he said it didn’t happen and that I hit him (this is completely fabricated). He tried to convince me that I made it up, calling me mental . I told my friend and she feels its put her in a position to report it because similar things have happened before. Worst thing is I feel these situations happen once in a blue moon and are drunken mistakes, I know its naive but I forgave him and I am happy with him. My friend is convinced its going to happen again and I can’t blame her. I just regret telling her because I don’t want her to hate him or people telling me I need to leave him. In my head if things were that bad I would leave, or am I just kidding myself? And is it going to get worse and am I going to keep telling myself the same thing until I end up in a worse situation? Or have they just been mistakes we can get past. I feel that we are happy 90% of the time and things just get out of hand on those other 10% of times.
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Hiya. I’m glad you are here and posting.
I think your gut is probably telling you the truth of things here. If it’s a mistake that he really regretted would he repeat it? Would he gaslight you and absolve himself of all personal responsibility while turning the tables and blame you for what he himself did and try to make you doubt your sanity? These are cruel and abusive, controlling and manipulative decisions that he made, rather than apologizing and taking steps to ensure that it never ever happened again.
On my experience of this same situation the 90 per cent of lovely gradually whittled away and the 10 per cent of nastiness grew. I gradually doubted myself more and more and gave up on my friendships, as they led to tension in lots of ways. One of them being that he slipped up publicly once and after witnessing that side of him some of my closest friends couldn’t unsee it or forgive it. They were frustrated with and scared for me. All the while I kept forgiving and hoping that I could help him get back to being the lovely man I’d met. Little did I realise that I was remembering the love bombing phase of an abusive relationship. Every so often he’d push the boundaries and sense that I was close to leaving or reporting him and he’d switch on the lovebombing again. Looking back, I can now see that a lot of the things that seemed romantic and devoted (if a little intense) initially were actually controlling behaviours.
It took a while for me to actually leave and stay left and I know that we all have our own path. It can be a dangerous one though, so while you’re determined to stay please do be careful. I’d suggest taking steps to safeguard yourself and making an emergency exit plan just in case you need to get out quickly at some point. Have paperwork you need somewhere safe. Keep passwords safe, changing them regularly. Have a bag of emergency clothes and toiletries stashed somewhere safe too. If it’s possible to get some funds together for emergencies too so much the better. Do not let him know this is we hat you’re doing if you do these things.
Sorry if this all sounds a bit dramatic but they’re all things that make it much easier if things do blow up suddenly.
Have you considered getting a Claire’s Law disclosure? This may be a good idea under the circumstances.
Stay safe Chicka.
GR xx
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