Unsure what to do

[SkyeStar123]

I have 4 children with my husband. (Removed by moderator) he pushed our (removed by moderator) year old onto the sofa when he lost his temper with her. She wasn’t physically hurt but was understandably terrified and upset. He did this in front of our 3 younger children. I can count on one hand the amount of times he has been physical. Once with me when he pulled and pushed me and poked me in the (removed by moderator) and was generally intimidating and aggressive. That shocked me as we had been together over a decade when he did it. It was in front of our young kids. I nearly left then but didn’t. Then he threw our child off the sofa when he lost his temper. Then he threw our eldest on the bed. He gaslights me when I challenge him saying this is abusive behaviour and not OK. I will not have my children raised in fear and I will leave. He says I’m making a big deal out of nothing and doesn’t accept his behaviour is wrong. I just don’t understand it. I’m second guessing my own judgement. Now he’s offered to buy us (removed by moderator) tonight and it honestly feels like he’s that man that buys his wife a bunch of flowers after he’s punched her in the face. All classic abusive behaviour and yet I’m still here. Why? I don’t want to blow up my children’s lives. They love their dad and don’t want us to live separately. I love him too. His incidents of physical stuff are so spread out that I feel its a huge thing to leave when things are so good normally. What am I doing? Please help x

[Risingup]

Hi,
I can completely relate to everything you said. I sorry you and your children have gone through this. These men take zero responsibility for their behaviour. They will always blame someone else for their behaviour or minimise it. I find that there is no point even bringing up any of their behaviour as it can just lead to more aggression or us being made to feel like we are going crazy.
I was completely shocked when the domestic abuse advisor told me that my relationship was physically abusive. He occasionally throws objects and smashes cupboards etc. its like I didn’t want to accept that these acts were physical. I do know, that all though these acts were few and far between over the last 15 years. They have created a space where me and my children are scared. We know what he is capable of and therefore mindful of how we interact with him. There is always that fear in the back of my mind.

I have an appointment with a solicitor booked and I am so frightened to do this next step. I know my children would not want to live separate from him but can I allow them to continue to witness this and be fearful in their own home?!

You take care and thank you for your post. It has made me feel not so alone this evening xx

[Bananaboat]

My ex used to buy a takeaway and expect all the pain & abuse disappear too. It does not excuse their behaviour but we’ve been conditioned to accept it and not challenge them. He’ll never ever accept he did wrong and will always twist it to being your or the kids’ fault. If you ever get a sorry, it’s not meant. One of the biggest surprises I had on leaving was just how much my kids had been affected, even my toddler. That anxiety, the nervousness, lack of trust, changing how they behave that you feel, they feel all that too. I know it’s hard, you want to believe he’d never harm them but abusers only care about themselves and their feelings. They only get one childhood, they and you, deserve to enjoy it, and it shapes the rest of their life x

[Author]

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