Unsure whether this is ok?

[Confused.alone]

I’ve been having relationship problems for a while. Several months ago I made it clear to my husband I didn’t want to have sex anymore as I felt we had considerable issues which needed resolving and to me, the emotional connection between us had been impacted which meant I just felt like I didn’t want to. His response was (detail removed by moderator). I reiterated this was different to that and I didn’t feel comfortable about sleeping with him given they current situation. That same evening he encouraged me to (detail removed by moderator) and relax at home together. Later that evening he came onto me (got into bed-kissing me, touching me etc) and I just felt unable to say no. Now I look back and feel like I was coerced. He tells me I wasn’t and denies ever having the earlier conversation. I feel like I’m going mad but then think no this wasn’t ok-8 hours beforehand I’d made it very clear how I felt. I’m full of doubt, feeling like it’s my fault. He says oh you didn’t tell me to stop and says the conversation earlier in the day didn’t happen.

[Ariadne]

Hi @Confused.alone,

Him denying the conversation is typical gaslighting behaviour. He decided to push you into that, test his chances, and did not respect your feelings and your choices. Just because you didn’t feel like you could resist in the moment, doesn’t mean that you wanted to be in that position. It is a kind of coercion in my eyes as well.

So don’t lose trust in yourself.

[KIP.]

No is definitely not okay and the fact he’s lying about it shows he knows exactly what he was doing was wrong. Abusers do not like to be told no. They never respect boundaries and will ignore any boundaries you set. Keep a journal of his behaviour because his lying and gaslighting and ignoring your feelings will very much impact your mental health.

[Anonymous]

Sounds like how I’m living at the moment, I don’t want sex because he disrespects me and threatenes to leave the next minute I’ve woken up and he’s touching me, I’ve had to much to drink out with family and I’ve woken up aware something is happening and he was already having sex with me, I can’t remember much apart from him putting my clothes back on then act like nothing has happens the day after, sorry to jump on your thread but I know how you feel , it’s like we don’t matter . Like he’s being rejected if we say no and the sulking starts …

[Author]

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