Unusual Situation

[Peaches]

I have what I appreciate is an unusual situation….

I am (detail removed by moderator) and I live with my parents. They sold their house about (detail removed by moderator)years ago with the intention of buying another house and as a short term stop gap we moved in with my older (detail removed by moderator) sister….(detail removed by moderator) years later and we are all still together.

I have a successful job, and my sister has an even more successful job.

I have grown up surrounded by physical and physiological abuse at the hands of my father. Predominately to my mother, being whipped with a Hoover power cord, cut, beaten up, her life and every movement controlled by my father. I have been told stories by my sister of my mothers cuts being so deep and wide, with so much blood that she begged my father to take our mother to hospital – that never happened.

His punishments to my mother have been horrendous, aside from the beatings I have sat beside her when he forced her to eat the contents of an ashtray – I can’t even remember the reasons for the punishments.

On the outside I do and have always come across as a happy, bubbly, funny and confident person.

As a child and teenager he was a controlling father – now as an adult, even more so. Every movement I make is checked with him first and decided – yes or no. My older sister follows the same existence. I am on the receiving end of punishments from him to this day.

I have at times been on the receiving end of beatings and his famous Hoover lead whippings as has my sister.

Unfortunately even though my sister will recognise the horrendous situation we are in, she will talk a good game but I am afraid she is a lost cause, with at times herself turning into a nasty person towards my mother and I.

I have a boyfriend – not sure anyone at home realises he is my boyfriend but I do. He is the world to me and the love of my life. He lives 600 miles away although his family live nearby to me. Our relationship is made up of messaging, FaceTime and his visits home. When he is home my time with him is at the discretion of my father, however my boyfriend is very understanding and wishes only the best for me. He is very supportive oh my wish to leave and first time in my life I was able to tell someone everything.

My father has given me a vast amount of money. With the intention I purchase a house. This money is in my name. However he controls my accounts through me, he dictates and I do as instructed.

I have a supportive boyfriend who I have told everything to, he will help me leave here. He is trying to get a job closer to me and we have a pencilled out plan for me to leave.

I would really like to find the courage to plan and leave now, even without my boyfriend living here, but I don’t know how to leave and where to go? I have the money, have a car and the support from my boyfriend but as my Movements are watched so closely planning an exit is tricky.

I work nearby with my father friendly with the staff as he can call my office to talk to me – his calls form a “just thought I would call to make sure you are ok” but he is a control freak and it just forms part of his checking.

Any advice would be appreciated.

Thanks

[Falling Skys]

Hi Peaches

Well done for posting, abuse in any form is unacceptable. Please be careful on how you post as some of the things you have posted may make to identified. Lisa with sort that out when she see’s your post.

I have a support worked from Womans Aid we meet or talk on the phone. I found just being told that what my husband was doing was wrong was a big help as you get use to it being the norm.

Also legally get advice from a solicitor you could have a safe place with no abuse and maybe in time a sanctuary for your mum and sister.

Look as the boyfriend as a bonus, you need to do this for yourself xx

[Daisy]

Peaches, well done for speaking out, I feel your courage and determination in your post,
Have you seen the wizard of oz as a child? The wizard being this all powerful, huge,fearsome character but who when you strip away the light and smoke illusions in truth he is just a pathetic little man.
if you can overcome all the years and years of instilled control and fear and “brainwashing ” of the consequences your father has brutally meted out to you all and understand and accept it for the severe abuse it is, you can then extract yourself, and perhaps inspire the others to follow.
Is there anyone at work you feel you could talk to, and could help as and when needed re your dad’s control there?
If you are feeling horrified of them knowing, that’s part of his brainwashing I feel and you would perhaps be suprised to hear that maybe there is someone that may already have an idea.
As you said you are well grown up, well capable of being successful in work and that is by your own merit, so I’m sure you will be more than capable of managing your peaceful, independence too.
The first step I feel is giving some thoughts to your financial independence,remember your earnings are yours alone, can you prepare a separate secret online account, ready for when the time comes
X x x

[Peaches]

Yes I can set up an online account but I am worried the bank send something to my home address and he sees it as he opens my post.

I have a current account which I can register for online banking and eventually stop the statements being sent to my home.

I have the means to rent, I can afford to do this, but how do I set up renting somewhere without him knowing?

[Daisy]

Yes, your way sounds perfect, switch off your paper statements when ready as you say,
Do you have anyone who can support you, and post could be sent to you via their address, or via your work address perhaps.
X x x

[Lisa]

Hi Peaches,

Thank you for your brave and honest post. It sounds like a really abusive, horrible situation that you are living in everyday. It must be horrible not only experiencing the abuse but watching your sister and your mother be abused to. Perhaps you could encourage them to phone the National Domestic Violence Helpline and talk about their situation? It might help them to see just how abusive it is whereas no it sounds like they are normalising it. You all deserve to be happy but if they are not wanting to change their situation then please continue with your plan to leave. Perhaps it would be a real inspiration to them and encourage them to take action too?

Could you use your money to secretly find somewhere else to live and speak to your work about not speaking to him because he is abusive? You could speak to the police about what has been happening and following of from that you could get an injunction out against your father so he can not contact you or come near you. Alternatively perhaps you could look for another job secretly and relocate to start your new life? Whatever you choose to do please be very careful and phone the helpline who can talk to you about safety planning. You can also find your local Women’s Aid group here on the website who can talk to you about all your options.

We are all here for you so please keep posting to let us know how you are getting on.

Best wishes,

Lisa

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