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    • #8944
      undertherainbow
      Participant

      Hello to anyone reading this, I’m new to signing up. I’m going to try and be careful with what I say as I’m very paranoid about what I can and can’t say.
      My ex is currently in prison awaiting trial. (Detail removed by moderator). This means it all has to go to trial. Has anyone been through this? I’m not sure how to deal with it. I considered retracting everything but need to stand up to him and show him that I do not accept his behaviour. He tried to kill me and was arrested on attempted murder so this has been hell, I
      I’m lucky to be alive but don’t feel it. Some days I wish he’d managed it. I know court is going to be tough and the police have told me to expect it to be really hard going.
      I guess I’m just looking for anyone who’s been in the situation or can offer any advice. Love to all survivors and those going through a dark time at the moment and thanks again for reading. I’m just a bit of a mess at the moment. XXXX

    • #8947
      Ayanna
      Participant

      I escaped death too.
      Until today I do not feel like a survivor.
      Rape is a difficult one. They are horrible in court and often the abuser goes free.
      Male entitled patriarchy has no consideration for the suffering that women go through in domestic abuse.
      Be prepared for the patriarchy. We are only in the beginning stages of better legislation because suffragettes lost their lives for us. Never forget the women who fought for us to be where we are now. And it is just a little piece of the cake that we get. Males still kept the bigger part of it.
      By all means do not be afraid. It is just patriarchy, built on abuse.
      Stand up to them in the court. Whater those lawyers say who defend him, show them your truth.
      Which lawyer would defend an abuser if they were not abusers themselves. Have no fear.
      Be a victorious proud woman xxxx

    • #8951
      Lisa
      Main Moderator

      Hi undertherainbow,

      Welcome to the forum, well done for posting for the first time.

      It sounds like you’ve been through a lot with your ex partner and that you are lucky to have escaped at all. You are so brave to be pushing to go to trial and you should definitely not let your partner get away with what he has done to you. By going to trail you are also standing up for all his future victims and that is an incredible thing to do.

      One thing to mention is that due to legal implications we can’t talk about current court cases on this forum, and whilst you have been very careful not to include any details, Women’s Aid have a blanket policy about talking about anything related to court cases on this forum. However a good place to go for this information as a starting point is the National Domestic Violence Helpline on 0808 2000 247. They have trained support workers who will be able to offer information or point you in the right direction. They are really helpful and supportive as they are trained in domestic abuse specifically.

      I hope this helps. Keep posting about any other matter. The women on this forum are incredibly supportive and understand what you are going through. It is great to have you with us.

      Best wishes

      Lisa

      Forum Moderator

    • #8967
      undertherainbow
      Participant

      Apologies for this post if it’s not allowed. I’ve found it difficult with not knowing what I can and can’t say. I won’t discuss the court case any further. Thanks Lisa and I’ll use that number you’ve provided.

      And thanks Ayanna, your words have really helped and I’m sorry for what you’ve been through. Some days I feel strong and others I just crumble. I won’t discuss the court case but rather how I’m feeling in terms of his actions. I was left homeless and had to start with nothing and I mean nothing. I didn’t even have a pair of shoes. It feels like it’ll never end at the moment. Knowing others have been through this helps but also makes me despair because no person should have to go through this. I never thought I would end up in something like this, I always said if any man hit me I would be gone. Sadly when you’re involved in it it’s hard to have that sort of attitude because of the other emotions involved. I blamed myself. I thought I deserved it. Only after being away from him with strictly no contact have I realised that I did nothing wrong, ever, at all. Sadly this is a man’s world and I feel like I’m fighting against it, I think we all are. I’m the last person to ever show any sort of sexism and I believe firmly in equality but at the moment it’s such a struggle.
      xx

    • #8973
      Ayanna
      Participant

      Oh, I am so sorry what you have been through! How terrible to be homeless left with nothing. How come?
      I wish I won the lottery to buy a big hose where women can come when they flee so that they are not homeless. I think of shared accommadation for women only, where we can support each other, without any control. But that is a far fetched dream.
      Do you have a roof over your head now?
      This is the evil side of patriarchy. NO woman should be homeless when she has to flee domestic abuse.
      I hope you have enough anger in you after all what you have been through to really go through the process with power.
      Big Hugs! x*x

    • #8975
      undertherainbow
      Participant

      Where I lived was a cordoned off crime scene and I couldn’t return for a number of days. I sofa surfed until I was able to get some sanctuary housing. I tried returning but because it was left as found it was too daunting. My clothing and everything I owned was destroyed by him, everything. Sorry if I sound really self-indulgent at the moment, I know everyone on here has been through a lot.
      X

    • #8996
      Daisy
      Participant

      Welcome from me too under the rainbow,
      And well done for finding “here” and introducing yourself so bravely, it’s scary posting the first time and waiting for a reply I know,
      Although you can’t mention anything that could jeopardise the future u/t, we are here to support and help as much as we can,
      I hope you have been advised of a possible earlier visit to feel more familiar and at ease, screens up if required and being talked through the way things work by victim support and anything else they can offer you,
      X x x

    • #9000
      Ayanna
      Participant

      Omg, that is pure cruelty. I was lucky that the police removed him from the marital home and I could stay until I found another place to live. That way I kept all my things. Although I only had very little time to find a place and was too numb to deal with that stress.
      Are you married? Destroying your property will completely go against him in the divorce proceedings. I hope you took pictures for evidence. x*x

    • #9052
      vodkamonster23
      Participant

      Your doing a very brave thing going to trial please don’t reteact your statement he deserves to suffer for what he did to you. Do u have a IDVA to go with you xx

    • #9367
      Sadandconfused
      Participant

      I have been to court for two days. I had a support worker with me the whole time which made all the difference and lots of special measures screens etc. Please do look into this its a huge help.

      There was something very liberating about telling my story and actually being believed. I am not saying it wasn’t scary but afterwards I did find some peace that I hadn’t had before. Preparation is the key and the barristers weren’t as horrible as I imagined.

      You can do it well done for being so very brave xx

    • #9921
      undertherainbow
      Participant

      Thanks to all who replied. Its still hell. Dates have been pushed back, I’m struggling
      I miss him I hate him I desperately want to see him. I cannot contact him as I don’t have his prison number, I have no control over anything.
      I want to forgive him, I’m angry at authorities getting involved when I never rung them.
      He occupies my mind all day and all night.
      I know what he did was horrendous and he doesn’t care about me whatsoever but that doesn’t mean I don’t care. I have PTSD and my mind never stops. I want to hug him and scream at him and ask him why he could do this to me.
      I desperately need contact for closure but there’s no way I can get around this. I want him out of prison but want him to spend the rest of his life there. I’m so confused and hurt and numb to everything.
      The court system is just a massive game and I’m sick of waiting. What the hell do I do?

    • #9926
      Ayanna
      Participant

      Yes, the court system is a joke. I had similar experiences. Trials were set on specific days and then sudddenly postponed. It is nervewrecking.
      No, you do not want him. No contact, please!!!
      Separate yourself from him! He did not care about your life! Why do you want to hang on to someone who would kill you without the blink of an eye?
      Go to the cinema or walk on a busy shopping mall and have nice coffee, go to museums, whatever, distract yourself!
      Leave him where he is and do not try to get in touch with him!
      Take a few deep breaths and think what you want to do in your new life. Make plans for your new life.
      I studied whilst I went throught the court hell.
      I never missed him.
      Abuse gets worse and one day we end up six feet under if we do not use our brains.
      You escaped. Was this not enough warning of what could have happened to you?
      After my near death experience I never wanted to see him again. My life is very dear to me.
      Many of us have untreated PTSD. There is a life with PTSD, trust me. I read books to learn to cope with it, to understand it …
      Do not be angry at authorities. They protect you. Get him out of your head and see him as the abuser that he is.
      You have to go with the flow. It is a cruel time, it is hell, it seems to never end.
      You must be strong.
      It will be over one day.
      It is important that you do nice things, things that you enjoy. You need to add positive things into your life. If you cannot feel anything you need do this with rational thinking. I was numb, but I used my strategic thinking to add distractions into my life. I went to sightseeing numb, I had that on this day of the week, I had it planned and did it. These were automated actions, but they took my mind off the hell I was living in. I went to posh restaurants, had afternoon tea on a ship, went to exhibitions, … I was distracted. That made this time easier, prevented me from losing my mind. What is left is the bitterness about the bad treatment, the bad experiences, the PTSD from the abuse…. However, life is so much better without him.
      Hang in there! xxxxx

    • #10763
      undertherainbow
      Participant

      Another update; (detail removed by Moderator) I didn’t have to attend but did through choice. I am pleased to say I felt nothing but disgust and the arrogant, smug look was well and truly off his face. He met my eye once and then held his head down for the remainder, I did not take my eyes off him. I feel like I have possibly regained some control. The hearing was a farce and my ex stated to the judge he doesn’t know his lawyer’s name or number.

      I am still dreading being called as a witness though, I don’t have a clue what to expect when cross-examine. I have to watch my video evidence soon which is hours long. I am exhausted. Has anyone been through a rape trial? I have the feeling he will get away with this.

    • #10765
      Ayanna
      Participant

      Speak to Rape Crisis. They might have helpful advice for you so that he does not get away. x*x

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