Uphill struggle

[Whitegoddess]

Hi, my ex partner and I only split up (detail removed by moderator). Obviously I feel like I have turned our Daughters lives upside down by leaving and it feels like a bit of an up hill struggle. Trying to sort housing out! At my Mums as the moment. She kindly put me on her car insurance so I could get the kids to school. I had counselling yesterday so that helped me. Obviously I’m going to have doubts but I know in my gut I have done the right thing!!
I thought my ex had been very good but then the messages started yesterday!! My gut feeling was he had started drinking again. He is adamant I have someone else and is demanding i answer his questions!! He is saying he has a (detail removed by moderator). He wants the kids to go for two nights tonight. Our littlest doesn’t want to go as she knows I won’t be there so she is just going for tea! He tried calling me 3 times today to meet him. I don’t want to to talk which I told him as I have said everything I need to say and I have told him numerous times there is no one else so why do I need to answer that again?
I’ve been signed off work for now as I can’t manage everything and need to get our lives back on track!!

[Wants To Help]

Hi Whitegoddess,

You have quite rightly identified that leaving an abuser is an uphill struggle, so let that sink in for a few moments and then sit back and breathe.

Firstly, well done for leaving. Secondly, you have not turned your children’s lives upside down, you have turned all of your lives AROUND. You have left because you wanted to make some serious changes to the way you were all living and what you were all experiencing, and to change all this does take time. A new life needs to be established, new home to be found, new routines to be made, new boundaries to set, new social life to have, new friends to be made. All of this takes time to adjust to. For all of us who have left and now live in the peace of an abuse-free life, this life did not happen quickly and we have all struggled for different amounts of time until we achieved it. I would say give yourself at least two years to adjust.

So why it is an uphill struggle? It’s because he’s an abuser. He’s lost control of you and he’ll do whatever it takes to get it back. If that means playing Mr Nice Guy for a while, he will. Now that has failed, he’ll resort to other tactics; the emotional pull on your heart strings (how much he can’t live without you and how hurt he is – it’s all about his feelings after all!), and when that fails, the physical threats. He’ll probably tell you he’ll apply for full residency of the children too when all else fails, not because he actually wants the children 100% of the time but because he knows that it will hurt you so much if you can’t see them. He’ll never get full residency of them, so please don’t let that panic you when he introduces that one in to his threats.

There’s already red flags in his behaviours which shows he has no respect for you, your decisions or any boundaries. He’s constantly ringing you wanting to meet up when you have told him you don’t want to. You suspect he’s started drinking ‘again’? If alcohol is an issue for him then it’s going to continue to be an issue unless he chooses to address this. I have learned after many years in my job that you can never reason with a drunk person, so there really is no point in trying. So his drinking issues are now his problems alone, not yours and not your responsibility to help him sort them out either.

Abusers think they are so great they can’t actually believe that we would rather be alone than be with them! They are men who can’t function on their own, they’d never actually leave us until they had someone else to go to, so as they always project their own behaviour on to us, he can’t believe you wouldn’t have someone else lined up too. You do not have to justify your reasons to him any more. You have given him an assurance you have not left him for anyone else – no matter how many times you try to convince him of that he’ll never believe you. In fact, he may well stalk and harass you trying to prove otherwise, so keep a diary of events of what he does.

I’d be wary about letting one of your children go to him ‘just for tea’. If he fails to return them, or allow you to collect them there is nothing the police can do to make him hand her back to you. If he has PR she will be allowed to stay with him. If you think that a couple of days and nights alone with him will be too harmful for her then don’t do it. Sort out a Child Arrangement Order first, it sets out the boundaries of contact for all of you.

You have made a great decision to leave, you now need to accept that decision does come with some different difficulties to overcome. On a positive note, you have a safe place to stay and the love and support of your mum. You have the use of a car. You have been signed off work due to the stress which does give you some time to get your thoughts together and form a plan of how to move forward bit by bit. More issues are going to arise as you continue along this new journey of your life. What you have to remember is that an abuser will do their best to make it as hard as possible so that you find it is easier to ‘just go back to him’ than carry on moving forward. Always remember that. Abusers don’t want what is best for you and their children, they want what is best for them. Get all the support you can from the agencies available to help you and set yourself a timeline with a reasonable target of what you want to achieve and by when.

Keep up with the counselling too, hopefully that will enforce you have made the right decision.

Good luck x

[Whitegoddess]

Hi Wants to help,
Thanks so much for such an amazing message!! I keep reading it again! It’s so informative and so helpful!
The last few days have been really hard! My brain feels like it has a cloud over it! So much to try and sort out on my own.
My Ex is not being nice!! (detail removed by moderator) he drove past me and accused me of (detail removed by moderator)! He said he went to the (detail removed by moderator). He was ringing me. I thought he was going to be waiting somewhere for me? It really scared me!!
Later when he rang the children he was questioning our Daughter about if I dropped her to school and my older Daughter where I pick her up from?
He was really putting me down on the phone to them!

[Author]

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