Upsetting questions

[Bethesda]

Hi there,ladies
I need to vent a bit,I have lot of anxiety again
Usually I’m doing it good,I’m not so sad like I used to be but…
There are a few questions that are stuck in my mind,all day…
Did he truly love me in some point?Did he really feel love like I did?
Is he thinking on me now?Is he missing me?Is he sitting on a chair,looking at the sky wishing for a text or something from me?Doesn’t he care anything?
How he could move on so quick?
He used to say:”Life is not a romance,grow up for god’s sake!You’re too needy” or “You’re obsessed with me,that’s not love”
Am I an idiot for being needy and loving?for want cuddles or sex most of the time?true love doesn’t exist anymore?
I had a lovely more than one decade of love with my child’s dad,is this like a karma punishment because I left him for this sick man?
In one of his last texts he said that this is very hard for him too…I don’t think so mate…No one ended your relationship with a text message after years of abuse,he did,no one ignored you from one day to the next one,he did,no one kept insulting you because I wanted him to come back,he did…
I’ve been in the same town since I first arrived to this country,all my memories of him,the good times,the bad times,laughs,tears,restaurants,walks in the countryside…All in this town…He left me here high and dry,dealing with memories everywhere…
He treated me like a piece of s**t to the end,he gave me his last slap without hands and run off
Sorry for this upsetting topic but today is one of these days when I’m thinking too much of him,wishing I could have a text or a call from him asking me to come back together,what an idiot,it’s all I am…
I hope I will be better tomorrow
Thanks for reading
Love,
Bethesda

[AlwaysSorry]

Hi Bethesda,

These relentless questions are so haunting and hard to get rid of and I think we all know exactly how awful it feels when they do pop into our minds. I spent a very long time wondering about my ex, too. Wondering everything from how he was doing to was he with someone else now to did he ever mean it all the times he said he loved me. I wish I hadn’t spent so much time focused on him, but I also think that’s exactly what abuse does to us – our entire headspace is taken up by them, we are constantly trying to anticipate what they want/need from us to the point where we forget ourselves. We will do anything to make the abuse stop and that involves spending an awful lot of time trying to work out just what it is he wants. And so even when we are out of the abusive relationship, our thoughts might be different but still centered on them. Our thoughts would be much better spent taking care of ourselves x It’s very hard to do but sometimes you just have to let these thoughts flow through you and try not to dwell on them – because the reality is, you will never really know how much was real for him. What you can know is that the love you felt and gave was genuine and it’s ok to mourn the loss of that love.
It sounds like you very much know that he didn’t treat you right but you are still craving him. This sounds like trauma bonding to me. Have you read about trauma bonding? If not, try and Google it and I think you may have some a-ha moments. I know I did.
Something I tried to do – sometimes succesfully, sometimes not – was when these thougths pop up to ask myself “what would be good for me right now, food, a walk, a shower, a nap, a crossword puzzle, reading a book?” and try to do something that would be about me for a change. If you have any hobby you used to love or you have always wanted to try out, go for it and see if it can help settle the anxiety and calm the thoughts.
You were unlucky to meet an abusive man who took advantage of all the love you had to give – this is by no means a karmic punishment you are enduring. Closeness and cuddles are wonderful parts of good relationships – you were not needy for wanting to have this. You did not deserve any of his despicable abuse and you are not to blame x Perhaps another thing you can do is to write down a list of the things he did to you or re-read your posts on here to remind yourself in the moments where you really miss him, why it’s good you are out x Also keep posting on here x

[Bethesda]

Bless you AlwaysSorry,thank you so much
Your post always gave me strength
I’ve been reading a lot about trauma bounding(exactly what I have)and I’m reading as well Why does he do that? by Lundy Bancroft,what a discovery!!
I used to think I was crazy in love and I needed professional help(like he always said to me) but my friends and my ex always told me I’m not crazy,I’m a amazing person
If I’m that amazing person,why he didn’t see it?
What did happen to me?I’m the shadow of all I used to be
It’s just I can’t believe all that happened yet,trying to take in the loss,trying to get rid of my mind this psycho man while he’s probably having fun and relieved because I’m not pestering him anymore
I DIDN’T CHOOSE THIS B****Y SITUATION
I’m very hurt,my brain is saying:He made you a favour leaving you but my heart is destroyed
All I did,all I sacrificed was for absolutely NOTHING
SORRY,I’m having a very bad day of useless and hurtful thoughts
Lots of love

[HopeLifeJoy]

Hi Bethesda

You have every right to be angry and feel hurt at your abusive ex, he did destroy everything but believe me he isn’t out there having a good time, he is obviously chasing his next meal ticket, his next opportunity to get free housing, he’s exploiting and abusing one girl after another. He will amount to nothing and remain a looser for the rest of his life.

Meanwhile you are recovering, getting through your grief which is a difficult period, but step by step you’ll get there, with time and gentle care your heart will catch up with your head. You’ll regain your old identity back to an even better and stronger version of who you once were.

Pls read about the five stages of grief as well on top of trauma bonding. You’ll get an understanding of the different emotional phases you’re experiencing.

Your friends and healthy ex seem to know and see the wonderful person you are, i’d connect with them again and plan activities together. Create new memories with them in your town, it will replace and cast aside your old ones.

Take good care of yourself & keep posting 💕

[Bethesda]

Thank you so much
I feel a bit better today
I contacted again with my old friends and I’m trying to get to the old life I had before I met this horrible block
I feel sorry for the next meal ticket…Hopefully police will arrest him and everyone in his small town will know who he really is
(He lied to his family and friends and said he came back because we didn’t have enough money to pay the rent)
New memories…
Thanks for your advice
Xxxx

[Author]

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