Urgent advice please!

[Kellym]

Hey guys
I’m not new here but don’t use very often so when I do I know I’m desperate!
I have been in a very violent relationship for (detail removed by Moderator) years now, the violence started when I was pregnant with my now (detail removed by Moderator) year old son
I lost a babe (detail removed by Moderator) which was horrendous and ended up in a pretty bad way, since then we have been going to therapy and things did get better until recently the violence has started again only now I feel like therapy will never work Becuase I don’t say anything about it in session due to my kids

He is now using the therapy against me any little argument it’s all about what he has changed etc he has made it all about himself and I’m at a total loss

(detail removed by Moderator) it was my birthday and he completely forgot, and I know it sound pathetic but it really hurt me because of the nasty things he says all the time it just made me feel like a no body that he forgot

(detail removed by Moderator) he made our daughter cry winding her up then because she was crying lost his temper! He then flipped our (detail removed by Moderator) over smashing everything on it and chased me out of our home with my daughter in my arms.
He then left us outside (detail removed by Moderator) in the cold with no shoes or coats before he let us back in (detail removed by Moderator)
He has made me feel awful and also demanded I clear up the mess he made

As of late I have managed to get a place in a hostel why awaiting temporary accommodation but I’m so scared to take the jump and leave, we’re supposed to marry in (detail removed by Moderator)!
I’m so scared it will hurt my kids taking them to somewhere so horrible and not homely I’m scared I will ruin their childhood but also know it isn’t normal for them to be witnessing this stuff, the emotional abuse on them is devastating for me to watch id take a million punches to the face just to stop them seeing this but my trauma bond is so so strong I cannot break it and each time it’s them I feel I will damage if I leave m
My family now know he has beaten me many times before as a friend I confided in told them and they have completely blocked him told him what they think of him and desperately want me to leave, my parents are not the most present which he thrives on to turn me against them but they are my parents and I love them

Please help me with some support as I desperately need it

I hope you’re all doing ok lots of love xx

[GoldenFish]

Please know:the sooner you can leave, the better for your kids. It will feel very hard and tormenting for you, but you will see your children flourish and you can gain strength in that. Ask your family for the help you need. Think beyond your fear, trust you’ll find a way forward. The alternative to stay is abominable and you have already given it enough chances and years of your life. Run out!

[Bananaboat]

I promise you leaving is the best thing for the kids. As much as you try to protect them, they hear the noises, they feel the tension, they see your reactions. They live in the same hypersensitive state you live in. He’s shown zero remorse for making your daughter cry (detail removed by Moderator), scaring her, leaving her outside in the cold. I had no clue just how much my kids were also suffering, even my baby. You CAN do this, yes breaking the trauma bond is tough, you’re breaking an addiction, but as goldenfish said, you will watch your kids thrive. He didn’t forget your birthday, they do that on purpose. He’s using the counselling against you because he thinks he doesn’t need it, he’s perfect, he’ll never change. He’ll get worse and worse over time, if you leave you’ll be alive to tell the tale and watch those babies grow x

[Eggshells]

Hi Kellym

Your child has been stuck outside, in the cold, with no shoes or coat and she is frightened. Please leave for her sake if not for your own.

Refuge won’t be forever and honestly, home is where and what you make it. Your children will adapt and make themselves at home much more quickly than you might imagine. Be positive about the space in the refuge and they will settle in just fine. They will soon feel safe and happy as long as you make it home for them.

You won’t ruin their childhood by leaving but he will ruin their childhood if you stay and his behaviour will affect them well into their adult lives if they remain exposed to his behaviour.

Yes, you will need to deal with the trauma bond and no-one can promise that will be easy. You don’t need to take a million punches but you do need to be strong for them and for you and get them and you away and then stay away. You can do this xx

[Twisted Sister]

Hi Kellym

I am so sorry to hear how you are scared and suffering. Very sorry for your loss, this must have all been so difficult for you, and wears you down to a place too scared to act, even when you know what he’s doing is causing such harm.

Would your parents take you in, especially as they know whats happening and would want you to leave?

I know how desperate you have to feel in order to flee your home to a leap in the dark. When you talk of a hostel, is this a refuge space? A place of safety for women and their children? I think if so, then you will feel very supported going to such a space, especially where you are away from men and efforts are made to make you both feel supported and welcomed. You would have peace, and freedom to move about as you wish.

I can promise you, and this is hard for me to say, but it is their father that will destroy all your lives, not a refuge. It is hard to detach from the strong bonds that you recognise, and you will get a support worker who can help you manage in so many ways. What matters is that you have come to a point of speaking about it, here, and maybe elsewhere. None of it is easy, it all takes a lot of strength and bravery. I am sending you all the strength you need for this next step, and hope that you find yourself lifted by going to a man-free refuge space where he can’t touch you and your daughter.

warmest wishes

ts

[Kellym]

Thank you everyone
He woke up (detail removed by Moderator) for work said he wasn’t going (detail removed by Moderator), he continued for (detail removed by Moderator) to bash me why I got out of bed and sat on the floor trying to think of what I could do if he set on me because I felt like where I was in the bedroom there was no escape route!

(detail removed by Moderator) he asked me to get back on the floor pushed my face down and had sex with me and then called me (detail removed by Moderator) and left the house

(detail removed by Moderator)
When we got back he jumped out as I was walking in and tried to take my keys I tried to run but he pushed me down (detail removed by Moderator) whacked my head (detail removed by Moderator) and strangled me
I am now packing all of our stuff to leave I can’t do this anymore I literally feel like I’m going to die

I’m not a violent person I don’t understand what I have done to deserve this life of being infertile and having to have ivf and being abused like this he is saying it’s me and o need to sit and have a good think about what I am doing to our kids
I feel so scared and lost I have no idea how I’m going to cope

[OctoberSunshine]

Hi Kellym,

Just reading your last message. This sounds like a terrifying experience for you.

From the tone of that last paragraph I can see that you may feel overwhelmed with the information regarding the effects of how the situation may effect your daughter. But try focus on the immediate safety first for both of you.

I am glad you are packing to leave, please seek help from the Orgnaisations set up to guide you, they maybe able to help you understand and process what’s happened here. Again try and take into account what’s happened and the risks involved here first, ensure a safe place to retreat if possible. Given the severity of the attack, please consider law enforcement if you feel comfortable taking that route.

There is no reason this person needed to attack you, and no reason why you deserve this treatment- nobody does. The perpertrator is likely to blame-shift and will never be accountable for their behaviour. As you said in your message, you are not a violent person, you don’t need to make room for someone that is.

I understand that it may feel daunting to leave, but remember that if your intentions are for the good for you and your children the end result would be a lot brighter than living through more of the same treatment.

Keep packing, keep safe and all the best. I really hope your all safe tonight.

[Author]

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