Using sex and being affectionate to appease him

[Mime]

Well he’s agreed to leave – I ended the relationship after a final straw, when I knew for sure he was never going to change.

For a while he was angry and full of simmering rage, interspersed with being wounded and sorry. Then I realised, from things he said, that he was mostly just wanting me to have sex with him.

He’d previously made threats to have our child taken from me and I really believed he would try to do this (he’s very convincing) and so now I’ve given him what he wants sexually, to keep him in a better mood, so he doesn’t carry out his threats. And I’ve been very affectionate towards him and keep hugging him whenever I can.

It does kind of work – he’s not as angry and he’s being nicer. I think because he feels less rejected. And he’s stopped making threats about our child.

I think he will move out – he’s given me a date and is making actual steps to go.

But I feel like a horrible person because I’ve used sex to control the situation – he’s always accused me of being manipulative, insincere and cold, and the way I’m acting at the moment makes me think he’s right. I’m having sex with him and being affectionate because it makes him nicer to me. If he feels rejected he becomes vengeful and I’m afraid of how far he’ll take things.

Also, because he’s being nicer, I’m doubting myself and wondering (again) if I was the problem all along. Maybe if if been more affectionate when we were together he wouldn’t have been so mean.

When does this stop being so confusing? I have moments of clarify, but they don’t last long, and then I start doubting and blaming myself all over again.

[Lisa]

Hello Mime,

I just wanted to offer some support on your post this evening.

It sounds like you may be misdirecting the blame here. From what you have described in your post, I hear a description of a man who uses consequences of threats and mood changes (anger/silent treatment/sulking) in order to coerce you to oblige to his sexual requests? It might not feel so black and white in reality, but on reflection, could this be the case?

It is unfortunately a very common tactic of sexual abuse and is considered sexual coercion. If you are feeling pressured to have sex to pacify him or to ‘keep the peace’, you are not being manipulative, he is.

Thank you for sharing this with us.

Take care and keep posting,
Lisa

[nbumblebee]

Hey I wanted to jump in and tell you (detail removed by moderator).
So ive been given a huge fantastic opportunity at work that he is really not happy about and also today i went out for the day first time in so so long i got home late and he is not happy and is drunk.
He is angry and being nasty telling me (detail removed by moderator) oh hes really nasty tonight and is demanding sex.
I want to take this opportunity at work i want and need his support im a little scared so I am also giving in to his demands and having sex with him to just keep him calm quiet happy.
You are not alone in this.
Sometimes as wrong as it really is we do things to keep ourselves safe. No it isnt right no we shouldnt do it but we do.
This is not your fault this is on him not you.
Do not in any way blame yourself sweetie this is a hard life to live.
Sending you much love and hugs xxxx

[Author]

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