Utter devastation, total setback after almost 100% freedom:

[Healthyarchive]

I have felt almost totally free, only yesterday I felt so happy that I have finally been set free from my devastating trauma bonding and mental ties that had gripped for four months. I wondered how I could express how I felt and to say that I felt that it were Christmas every day for me would have been a good description, i could finally smile and felt back to my normal self. This morning I have felt a devastating set back, I am currently sitting here scoffing chocolate so desperate to take away the deep pain that I feel in my heart and soul. Why has this man hurt me so much, he has wrecked my life and mental peace for most of the past (detail removed by Moderator) years. After feeling free of him and happy, it struck me today after some sharing on here, that it is possible that I were being used by him for much of our relationship purely to wind up his ex wife on Facebook. I think she was doing the same to him, using someone she had got together with, and during that time each were subtly goading each other by flaunting their partners and perfect relationships. My ex broadcast far & wide how happy he and I were, together with photo’s. I looked at her profile a few times and she was doing the same with her partner. I may be wrong. But his total silence since we split, his eagerness to end it with me, no hoovering whatsoever with me. His ex wife I have seen has deleted her FB profile. I suspect that they may have got back together whilst he & I were still together and dropped their respective partners. This has deeply hurt me. I was with him for genuine reasons. Their relationship reminds me of celebrity couples that you see who have destructive relationships but it goes on for years, Don Johnson/Melanie Griffiths, Pamela Anderson & Tommy Lee, Tiny Turner & Ike, Whitney Houston & Bobby Brown. He was with his ex for years & years, the picture that he painted of her was that she was controlling and how miserable he was. It is inevitible that if they did get back together it will end in tears at some point again, but to be lied to, used, disgarded when you are in it for real reasons is beyond my coping abilities.

[Serenity]

Hi HA,

Unfortunately, the road to healing isn’t linear ; it is full of peaks and troughs.

But remember, it is always only one step back, whereas it’s always two steps forwards. It seems that it could be any form of contact- even indirect- that sets you back. I think knowing what he is up to/ what his status is on FB is contact, in a way.

It will take all your strength, but No
contact really is the only way forward. This includes not talking to his family or friends about him, trying to glean information about his present status, as well as texting / social media etc.

You need to get to the place where you value your own healing above what happened with him.

I believe my ex is a psychopath, and I once read a quote which said that psychopaths would happily eat a burger whilst watching you drown. This rang true for me. These men are anti-love, anti-life, anti -everyone.

They are the opposite to what we should have.

[Healthyarchive]

Thanks Serenity, i’m so devastated this has set me right back, i will have to try to work through it. It was sharing on here that put the thought into my mind, i’ve maintained NC with him and all of his family now for some time. I could probably get confirmation of this suspicion as his ex’s fiance has a FB account which he keeps quite up to date. If I do not see any sign of her, it all seems to add up. It will take all of my strength to not look at this now. This part of NC now is going to be really difficult for me. To be lied to, used, deceived all of the time I were open,honest and trusting is beyond human comprehension. I think If i do start to make a habit of looking at his ex wife’s fiance’s FB profile and see no sign of this woman, my anger will really start to build and I may possibly contact him to cause trouble. I don’t want to contact him so hopefully this will keep me in check. As least we are over now, he cannot hurt me any more which is good.

[Healthyarchive]

Thank you (detail removed by moderator). I am totally devastated by this. I have to find a way to feel better. I don’t know for sure but it all seems to add up, the timings and his actions. I so much wish I had never met him as all he has caused me is deep emotional pain. I know what everybody and all of the sites say about staying away from Facebook, but I think if i look at the woman’s fiance’s profile over the next few months, this may give me clarity and confirm my suspicians that my ex and his ex wife got back together. At the moment I am very upset so not thinking straight, i’ll give it a few days, i may feel better tomorrow, thank you again for your support, i really appreciate it. I hate men that at total ruthless b*****ds who lie, cheat and deceive.

[Healthyarchive]

Finally I felt over him, yesterday I was 90% over everything, I was smiling again, yesterday I had a belly laugh with a male colleague who told me a joke, i felt free, happy and back to normal. This morning and today I feel so ill and depressed I feel that I cannot cope, this utter desperation at the realization he may have in fact got together with someone whilst I was with him, left me for her, I believe it may be his ex wife. I just dont know how to get over this. How do people get over such a betrayal of trust. I know that it happens all of the time and people do get over it but it has never happened to me that I know of, the betrayal is so painful. Perhaps it would help if I remember that he has strong n********t tenancies and that generally cheating and lying are characteristics. I know that he’s probably sleeping around a lot since we split and I thought he might have one or two women he was lining up towards the end of our relationship, but to dump me for the ex wife who he was with for (detail removed by Moderator) years is unbearable to me. Someone said on here earlier that there is always hurt when a relationship ends particularly if you are dumped for someone else. I agree with that, it has never happened to me before but I understand it must be awful. If i can remember a relationship ending is hurtful, that is a normal response and might get me through. All of the mental and emotional abusive behaviour that I had and remembered has now disappeared from my mind, all I can think about is this. If i could remember he is an abuser as well as a liar and unfaithful that may help me. I know if one of the HG Tudor books talks about triangulation with other women. I realized he was a ladies man all along and thought there was some subtle flirting going on with female acquaintances whilst we were together. But to get back with the ex, begin this reuniting whilst going out with me, lying to me and telling me he loves me & is faithful is so hard to bear. I just want to feel better. It is only because a few posts have been on here over the past month where there has been discussion of ex’s flaunting new conquests on Facebook. This made me remember that he really flaunted me and him, looking so lovey dovey. He also wrote long messages on his public wall about how happy he was during the last (detail removed by Moderator) years (the time since they split), how in love with me he were and how much his life had improved. On reflection I have thought he may have just be saying all of these things in the hope that she would see, that he didn’t really care about me at all. she in turn was doing the same, i saw lovey dovey pictures of her and her fiance, a statement saying that they have just got engaged. Now her FB profile is no longer there, he & I split (detail removed by Moderator) months ago, he has not made one attempt to contact me in this time, it all seems to make sense that they have got back together. So so sad and dejected.

[I am better than this]

Ha….I feel your pain. My ex lived a lie with me for many yrs. Started an affair with a married woman, of which I had no knowledge of until 5 months after we had split up. During our split he told me he wanted to try again, wined and dined me and spent nights with me being romantic. Little did I know he was seeing a woman he’d left me for, and she was already (detail removed by Moderator) months pregnant. It completely broke me when I found out what he’d done. Even now, in spite of me never wanting him back, the pain can be unbearable…unthinkable. To have allowed myself to be fooled by someone who was so cruel!!! I went through a phase of checking FB non stop. I tortuered myself no end.

The ladies on here are right…you need to try to block them and stop checking. I know it’s hard. I know you’re looking for answers. I’ve done the same…look for answers. I’ve wanted to blurt out to the world on social media about him and his sick ways. I didn’t. And I’m so glad. I will never give that man the satisfaction of knowing how he’s hurt me. He wouldn’t care anyway, it would just boost his ego.

Talk here as much as you want. Come here instead of checking FB. There will not likely be a different outcome if you check and react. Are you able to have counselling to help with how you are feeling? That’s what I’m sorting out for myself.

Big hugs xx

[Healthyarchive]

Thank you iambetter x*x….. I think this is just another part of the shameful behaviour that I am going to have to get my head around. I have successfully managed & got over the gas lighting, manipulation, silent treatment & abandonment & am through the worst with all of that now. I had never considered that he may have seriously met someone else & dumped me for them, this is something new that I am going to have to get my head around. I am sorry about your experience, how evil & cruel these men are.

[Healthyarchive]

Day 2: I am feeling a tiny little bit better today. I completed the checklist for N********t Personality Disorder in the Dangerous Personalities book and he scored in the high range. Funnily enough this makes me feel a little bit better as it lets me know what I have had in my life. Also i’m reading up on the cheating and triangulation aspect of n********t conduct, if I can get my head around that to be cheated on and lied to with one or more women comes as part of the package I think this may make me see the whole picture and accept it more easily. I knew that he was a ladies man but I now think that I was dumped as he was seeing someone else and he hasn’t looked back, whilst I gave him my love and heart, let him so far into my life and home, more than anybody has had access ever. I may all just been a game to him or possibly somebody to use to get back at ex wife. Also I am going to avoid Facebook now forever and re-block him from sending me emails. I feel grateful that his damage towards me stopped when we ended, now i’m just having to deal with the aftermath.

[Author]

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