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I’ve been speaking to social worker now almost (detail removed by moderator). It’s helped me see emotional abuse, coercion and n********m. I’ve tried ending it a few times and things are in limbo now a while, with him saying after last time I told him I wanted to end it that he loves me doesn’t want to lose me.
He asked for an answer (detail removed by moderator), I told him I wasn’t well and needed sleep.I got messages then saying it’s all me, he just wants supportive partner. He wants an answer.
He takes no responsibility for any of the things I’ve had the courage to call him out on. He dismisses my feelings about things I’ve a right to be upset about.
There is a family illness which is quite tragic at the moment that I’m struggling with and he is being of no support at all to me. But I’m the one that’s wrong here!
I barely slept. Struggling to breathe at times. Anxiety and fear through the roof. In my head my ideal scenario is being on my own with the kids and not having him to deal with anymore. But I can’t push through and get there. What am I going to do? I will have to talk to him tonight, I don’t feel I have strength right now. Will I ever feel that I have. I don’t want to talk to my family right now as they are already worried about me and the illness in the family.
I have great support, which I’m so grateful for, but I’m the only one who can do this. It’s so hard, I’m so lost. I’m so tired and exhausted. I don’t want to be in this situation anymore, I’m so utterly worn.Can anyone help or advise me please?
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Hi searchingforhope, so sorry to hear what you’re going through. It’s a total stress and causes such mental exhaustion we often end up feeling like we don’t know which way is up. This is very reminiscent to me of a particular situation I found myself in with my now ex. He suffered with mental health problems, but was extremely verbally and emotionally abusive towards me. I neglected my mental health to help him through his, not really realising what was happening to me and that I was becoming depressed. This one night I’d really had enough, and told him I needed to sleep. I couldn’t cope anymore, I was totally drained of all energy. He didn’t want me to go to bed, so threatened to hurt himself to try and keep me awake. He’d also say things similar to your partner, like he just needs me to cheer him up or he just needs me to check he’s okay in a morning, and would say it’s all me and why can’t I just support him etc, I’m selfish and I’ve ruined his life. He’d also throw in the cards about how he can’t lose me and that we can’t lose us. Not to throw it all away, when I was trying to have a break or end things.
Allow yourself a moment to focus on your emotions. Cry and feel how you need to feel. I found being in the shower gave me that 15 minutes of alone time to process and grieve and accept, and move on to the next step. It’s a very complex and challenging time, and I’m so sorry you’re going through a family illness on top of all this. I too lost a close relative whilst the abuse was going on, and he made sure the attention was still on him and didn’t support me very much through what was an already difficult time. So I really feel your pain with dealing with this too.
It sounds like you’re really making some positive steps to end this trauma though, even having had the conversations to end it means you’ll already consciously and subconsciously be processing it ready for when you know it’s the right time and the final time. It is very hard but you’ll know when the last straw is the last straw. I wasn’t even planning on ending my relationship when I ended it, like I knew it was going to happen because I just couldn’t cope thinking about a future with him abusing me, no matter how much I loved him or felt guilty about it. It’s still raw now but it was the best decision I made for myself. It didn’t really feel like much of a choice by the end, though.. more a necessity and force of hand to protect myself.
I hope you find the strength you need to get through your challenges and know that there are brighter days ahead for you. It will be okay x
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Gawsh @Pinkvelvet, reading your reply was almost like I was reading about my own experience. My ex too also dealt with mental health issues and I was his main support in the time we were together. He didn’t want to go to therapy, he didn’t do much for himself either, but he really demanded my support all the time. I ended up sleep deprived for a while because of this too, and finally gave up on his future faking (though you can say I’m still bound to his promises).
You did well in putting yourself first! -
Hi Ariadne, it’s a very difficult thing because it’s very easy to put the blame on the mental health. It took me ages to realise it was abuse because the whole time I was thinking about his suffering, and how awful it was that he was feeling and acting out because of his depression. (detail removed by moderator). He’d always apologise after and I’d excuse it and would be relieved the abuse was over… for now. It was only after a while I realised it was happening in cycles, and after speaking to some friends it made me think twice about what was really going on.
I don’t think there’s a lot of resource out there about the fundamentals of why people abuse other people. We know it’s about control, but it’s hard to find scientific knowledge online, I’ve found anyway, about why it exists in the first place. I think this is why it’s easy to pin the blame on poor mental health.
I don’t suppose it matters too much to the victim about the whys, but I think for me it was too difficult to just accept that people do bad things because they are bad people. It feels too black and white. And ultimately, that made me stay longer than I should have – because I felt sorry for him that there was an undiscovered root cause for his behaviour, and I just really wanted to help him find a way out of that darkness, so we could both exist together in a happy fulfilling relationship – especially because I knew he was, at times, capable of that better than anyone else I’ve known or been with.
Sadly, sometimes you have to accept that you cannot ‘save’ someone who doesn’t want to be saved, and someone who cannot step out of their own shoes and see their behaviour for what it is. I think leaving wasn’t only right for me, but for him as well. When he was in his ‘right mind’ as ill put it, he actually encouraged me to leave and said he was making me miserable and that he wants me to be happy. Part of me thinks this was his moments of clarity of the bigger picture, other parts thinks it was a guilt trip to see if I’d stay.
And that’s another reason I won’t go back. I’d never know, for certain, what’s a manipulation tactic and what’s genuine. The trust is gone.
I’m glad you’re out of your situation too, I’m not quite sure how I got out really, it’s a bit of a blur. I’d just reached my total limit and accepted whatever would happen next.
Wishing you all who’ve experienced this hell lots of strength and peace for the rest of your lives x
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Thank you @Hazlenut, I definitely need to breathe a bit and get a bit of space. I’m worse today than Friday after conversations with him yesterday morning and last night.
@pinkvelvet, it’s a bit of comfort to know someone else understands, but horrible that you had to go through it. after draining conversation last night, he’s me almost convinced again I haven’t done enough and he has and I’ve destroyed his good name.
I don’t know what to do. I can’t go on last night, I’m at the verge of collapse or getting seriously sick, so what you have said makes so much sense to me. He’s pushing and pushing and won’t stop, someone who says he loves me, but not making any allowances at all. I think that’s part of what is getting me most the last few weeks -
Write a journal starting with all the abusive behaviour from day one. You cannot talk to or negotiate with an abuser. You need to plan your safe exit without his knowledge. Contact your local womens aid. Read Living with the Dominator by Pat Craven. Only look at his actions because his words are just word salad. Keeps you spinning and takes the spotlight off his behaviour x
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