Utterly bewildered

[Whatislove]

I’ve read so many posts on here and so many online explanations about this but my brain is still a mess.
In (detail removed by moderator) I split with husband because of his rage and anger. I did fine. I was confident, started a business. He, however, stalked me, out spyware on my home computer & was filled with rage and depression. 6 months later it was me begging him back!
(detail removed by moderator): thinking we were working through stuff & happy I was utterly shocked to find out he’d been messaging other women online (in a sexual way) and was lying to me about various other things. I forgave him but early in (detail removed by moderator) I couldn’t take anymore and asked him to leave
First few months he did the stalking, constantly calling, messaging, accusing me of cheating. Then things took a turn. He suddenly backed off. Weird thing is I started to beg him back (like an addict with their fix taken away. W*f?!) Worst (detail removed by moderator) months ensued with him coming to see the children, sleeping with me, discarding me horribly afterwards & then a week of anger would then ensure & then the cycle would go round. I was depressed, in tatters, felt used. During this time I made a male friend who counselled me through all this. He was my rock. He then asked me to his one night & forced me into sex. Right after that, on another evening, my husband came over & strangled me (detail removed by moderator). He said he was playing. I was so weak I just lay there.
Around Christmas I found out my husband had been in another relationship all along. Moved in with her, was having unprotected sex with both of us, would scream at me & then bounce off to enjoy a date night with her. My youngest child even met her.
I started divorce proceedings. At that point he panicked, called me, asked me to “rescue him” whilst she was at work. I was weak & I did. He made a speech to the children about being a family again, then up & left in front of them after (detail removed by moderator) weeks. I got myself together & restarted divorce proceedings. After that I didn’t hear from him (detail removed by moderator). I started healing. I was starting to be happy, fun & full of hope. And then he called & back down the rabbit hole I went. He came back. I let him. I was a mess. Afterwards the other woman started emailing me the messages he was sending her each day. They were intimate, loving & him wishing he was with her. Sometimes sent with me in the room. I confronted him & he gave me the usual dramatic, over the top apology (he loves apologising & saying I never do). The other woman turned her back on him. He collected (detail removed by moderator) from their place, dragging me with him & then told me it was better than mine so we should (detail removed by moderator) get rid of mine. I protested but he told me (detail removed by moderator) I’m over reacting. He then told me all of the sexual things they did together.
We tried for a year. It was awful. He first denied sex & was depressed (about her). Sent her a heartfelt email apologising which upset me. I was resentful at times I admit.
Then early (detail removed by moderator) his anger at me turned physical. He frightened me a lot. Grab my face, push me against a wall. Grab me & restrained me so I couldn’t walk away so tight my ribs were bruised. I told my parents who called the police. He found out & convinced me to lie to them.
After that the other woman popped up asking him a personal question in an email. He responds. I asked him to leave. I was fine. And then the grief hit & I took him back again.
It’s been another year. Calmer I have to say. But still tenuous. I’m writing this as I have to say it all somewhere. On (detail removed by moderator) we had an argument & he exploded. I asked him to get off me but he wouldn’t. He cornered me, overwhelming me with his anger, pushed me onto the bed when I tried to leave, grabbed me face, then as I was sobbing he kicked me then left.
I’ve been pretty numb since. Crying a lot. Can’t go near him. He’s playing the victim saying I don’t love him, I’m cold, pathetic, acting like a b***h. I think I’m grieving the relationship finally. I think it’s time to get out. For my children as much as me. I sound pathetic in this post. I’m a mum (detail removed by moderator), I’m adventurous, funny, strong, some have said very pretty & I have a really good job. But I’m terrified. Of staying & leaving. I don’t trust him or believe he loves me. But I have loved him. I’ve taken him back after so much and to him I am still the angry nasty one who never forgives or moves on. It’s toxic. I feel like it’s effecting my mental health. I don’t think anyone trusts I’ll leave him as I’ve gone back again & again. My eldest wants me to end it. And I’ve told her I will. But I’m terrified of letting her down. I’m a mess. I’m sorry to the long rant to strangers. I just needed to say this. I need some guidance from those that understand.

[KIP.]

Your story is heartbreaking. He has put you through so much trauma it’s no wonder you feel a mess. Please contact women’s aid. On average a victim will return 7 times so what you’re explaining isn’t unusual. It’s the mind games they play with us. Destroying our self esteem and confidence. Making us dependent on them. Read Living with the Dominator by Pat Craven. Ring the national domestic abuse helpline and talk it through with some of the lovely ladies that will take your call. Abuse always gets worse and it’s not your fault. He chooses to abuse you. Google triangulation in domestic abuse. It’s not too late to talk to the domestic abuse police about your circumstances. Keep posting and reading the other posts to see you’re not alone x

[Whatislove]

Thank you KIP. I spoke to WA last year and it did help. But it’s like my brain compartmentalises everything. Once I get help from family & friends I suddenly get this super strong urge to turn back, protect him, letting him back in. WA told me he is a real master manipulator. I told them a lot more detail than I posted on here. He loves to be the victim, has no friends, “would die for me”, tells me I’m braking up the family & guilt trips & threatens to kill himself when I do leave. Friends & family have since left me to it as I think it’s been going on so long they don’t know what to say or do & I frustrate them. And I did follow up with police when I asked him to go as again, felt terrible for lying. They took details but because I went into protecting him mode afterwards I played it down to being probably my fault & more of a domestic dispute. Even though Iv called them countless times in the past. If he would only leave me alone to grieve after it’s all done I could probably move on. But he says he’ll never let me go. Not on my terms anyway. I feel so sorry for the other woman who was used and manipulated, cheated on & who kept forgiving him too. What a mess! Part of me right now feels like I’m getting stronger & that I’m so much better than this man-baby & I can walk away to happiness. But the process to do that scares me. I don’t trust myself anymore.

[KIP.]

Google trauma bonding. It explains that bond we have and why it’s so hard to break free. Did you do the freedom programme through women’s aid?

[Whatislove]

Yes, I’ve looked into trauma bonding which seems pretty apt. But how do you break it? I’ve tried everything & im my own worse enemy with it all. I downloaded the freedom project but never had enough alone time to do it. I’ll have a look at it again, thank you x

[KIP.]

You can do the freedom programme at your local women’s aid. The way to break the bond is zero contact. It’s like breaking a drug habit. You will need a good support network. You will need to build a new life for yourself away from him and his controlling behaviour. Have you ever had counselling? You need to educate yourself on abuse and the abuser and the effect on you as a victim. Until one day you realise you don’t need him. You never did. It’s a huge game of the mind x

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